Le Blue Dude
Inactive Member
* Uhh, sorry, what? By "loose" do you mean "lose?" And if so, what do you mean by "lose fast and leave an interesting RP problem behind?" The phrasing "Leaving an interesting RP problem behind" suggests they are now gone, which means extinction. So how can they be occupied? Are they simply going to be enslaved, or eradicated completely by mysterious invader?
Who is the invader? Keep in mind, if a race is advanced/expansive enough to conquer other planets, they would likely have a small empire already. A nation of this complexity would need a full racial writeup for them, including culture, origin, etc.
Why did not one, but three Earth colony ships aim for the same planet, when there are dozens -- if not hundreds -- of colonizable worlds to choose from?
The Swimmer forerunners had the time and resources to engineer an entire generation with gills, and raise the said generation before they died. Wouldn't it have been much easier and quicker to do something like...building a boat to find land? Or since their original starship is capable of sea travel, why couldn't they just use that to travel somewhere more suitable?
Don't cram everything into one big ball of submission. Some of your leader profiles are too detailed to be article stubs (dress, personality, even who they have crushes on?), and should be separated into their own profile articles. Solar systems and planets should possibly be separated as well, since physical locations don't really fit into a race's culture article, unless they're culturally significant. Each species has its own government, culture, and ideology, technology...they have nothing in common aside from a home planet, it seems. So they should probably be split into individual articles once approved.
Exclamation Important: Try and keep your timeline straight. You context keeps jumping from before to after the "unification league." If they haven't even been invaded and united yet, such a league wouldn't exist, right? Please don't write SARP history before it happens. Not only is it bad roleplay practice, but all the jumping back and forth in time makes your article much more confusing when one tries to read it.
Your article claims they're supposed to be a technologically inferior, yet they have achieved digital sentience, have 40-foot tall robots, and mecha that can "use with it's pilot's consciousness so that the pilot is the only person that can pilot it, but it grants them effectively +2 skill."
You have more written on cities and planets than you do the culture and history of the races itself. Not even the Yamatai's homeworld article has many places listed.
Might just be coincidence, but the Diggers seem to have a parallel history and development to the Freespacers. Much too similar for comfort, but I may be biased because I created them. I'll let others decide on this one.
Wes said:I've been reading the changes as they're emailed. to me. I must say I'm still extremely impressed with the level of imagination and detail that has gone into them and I can't wait to see them flourish into a very interesting plot.
Layla Veressis said:Wes said:I've been reading the changes as they're emailed. to me. I must say I'm still extremely impressed with the level of imagination and detail that has gone into them and I can't wait to see them flourish into a very interesting plot.
This is just my personal opinion, but I think it's a bit too fantastic in its current state -- in the fanciful sense, not remarkability. You have three separate sentient species develop with three radically different cultures, governments, and technology trees on the same planet. That in itself is a stretch to believe, simply because these differences appear so extreme that it would be more likely that they developed on entirely different planets. Even if their only contact was war, you'd think conquering one another's settlements would result in some sort of cultural and technological cross-contamination -- looting of ideas and tech conquered settlements, reverse engineering of destroyed war machines to understand and counter enemy tech, and so on.
On the topic of cross-contamination; each of them just sits in their own biome for roughly 10000 years without even exploring the rest of the planet? (You mentioned first contact between species happens about 200 year ago). You'd think they'd develop sonar, radio communications, basic flight, satellites, or something in that time to at least look around and accidentally stumble across one another. Humans went from the stone age to space flight in less than that. Even factoring the time it took to adapt to their new biomes, what could possibly stall Zelacorian development for that long? Given they had a technological head start from their colony ship remnants and survivors, it seems even more unlikely. (This could be explained if their religion make them take up a Luddite-like stance against technology, or if there was some kind of natural disaster that caused a particularly nasty dark age -- which you should probably mention it in the Wiki).
On top of all those improbable events, a complete stranger crashes in from space and -- somehow -- manages to take control of the planet. Not only does he convince them put aside their deep-seated religious differences, he "enlightens" them technologically to become a single, more advanced race. The chances of someone with a super-Napoleon level of charisma/cult-of-personality actually crash landing on such a world is ... well, very improbable as I've mentioned.
Of course, I tend to be particularly nitpicky when it comes to sociology, culture, history, and other "soft" technicalities in comparison to other reviewers. They may feel the same way, they may not at all; take my critique as you will. Improbability and inconsistencies aside, it's a very well written race that could certainly become a race of SARP. Keep up the good writing.
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