Good evening! Evening all! Welcome to another instalment of Sargasso Community Radio, only on 130.33, Sargasso's best and only radio station, coming to you live. I'm Karl of the Threepenny Bullets shop and we're gonna have a swinger good time because I have some news for you regarding our beloved Ziplines. Foreign criminals agree they're the best way to leave a crime scene and would do so again! Isn't that a compliment, ladies and gents? I'll fill y'all in just a moment, stay tuned!
♫ Sargasso Community Radio - Interlude: Thursday ♫
Right well, as I was sayin', we were faced with another spate of crime in our slowly becoming more and more liveable city. Definitely better than after the bust fer certain, but I digress, today four robbers who'd made off with goods from the rooftop convenience store at Wayfield's Legacy Mall thought they could make themselves a quick getaway in style, exploitin' our fair zip-system for their ill gotten gains! They looked pretty tubby too, doubt the leader guy could've taken the stairs 'er they woulda rolled down 'em!
So they grab 'em all a zipline, not lookin' at where it goes so long as it goes away from the cops. Meanwhile down on the beach, there's a handful of burly soldiers from PSG - big fellas like ID-SOL and Fyunnen - even saw me a four-arms Abwehran. Captain Luca's standin' out there giving them instructions when he looks up and spots himself four unsavoury characters comin' straight for his trainin' field, sprayin' bullets everywhere but where he's standing! Couldn't hit the underside of a HRAY!
Needless to say the burly soldiers, I counted 'bout six of 'em, charged forward at the Captain's command with their trainin' weapons and subdued each of the criminals and confiscated their goods. I ain't never seen that many welts on a man's face because the PSG shot the tar outta the crooks with rubber bullets, then drew trainin' knives and subdued 'em with some fancy judo stuff unbefittin' of their huge bodies. Cops showed up a couple 'o moments later and apprehended 'em.
The captain smiled, nodded and continued trainin' his men like it were no big thing. Big ol' softie. Here's some music fer chillin', somethin' those crooks will be doin' in our new jail! Open for conjugals on weekends between the hours of 0700 and 1000, and 1900 to 2200!
♫ Heavy Driver - Beachside Cycle ♫
♫ Rei and the Clovers - Jam Session No. 12 ♫
♫ Dy'na - The Drop ♫
Tunes chill enough to keep yer beer tastin' great. Never got th' lorath band Dy'na though. Went to one of their concerts and I had to wear a raincoat! Hah! So let's go over the Births and Deaths fer this week in Sargasso, records startin' between Thursday now and Thursday last week.
Friday, death, Hank Beefchest, age 'bout 80 I think, he forgot, died 'a natural causes peacefully 'n surrounded by family. He's due to get 'imself a cremation on Sunday and I gotta say I miss the bastard already.
Monday, birth, kid for the McLeod family, baby girl, looks healthy, th' name's Jill. Everyone wish the McLeod's well and congratulations from SCR!
Wednesday, four dead, none of 'em from 'round here, drove a car into a swimmin' pool in Waterworld after gettin' plastered at Lina's. Cops determined them based on ID's found in their coats to be Adrian Ballknocker, Cadden Donovan, Erik Funke, and Gary Horton. Dunno who they are or why they got a car to go swimmin', 'cause that worked out for them, dummies.
Finally, the one you've been waitin' fer, the Stupidity of the Week! Our enterprisin' criminals who misjudged where the Ziplines went, they had this to say about their experience when they were dragged in front of the judge.
"We think this Zipline business has potential," says one of the criminals, who was unable to be immediately identified 'er speak correctly was writing this down and it was being read by a policeman. The criminal's face was swollen like a rotten tomato on account 'a being shot at with rubber bullets and being bludgeoned with very large fists. "The wind in your hair feels great and the heavier your loot is the faster you go," he wrote.
The other three criminals were in a similarly unpleasant state of arrangements - at least one of 'em would be crappin' teeth for the next few days - their statements more 'er less boiled down to support of the Zipline system fer criminal enterprise and for movies an' stuntman practice.
And this is the stuff that puts Sargasso on the map, folks. With the investment necessary to keeping a healthy level of crime, and economic stimulus (sometimes both wrapped in the same convenient package!) we can make Sargasso be better than the backwater everyone makes it out to be! We have somethin' no other town's and we're practically festoonin' with them, and we can export that to the world at large: Ziplines!
Right, that's all from me, Karl, and that's all from Sargasso Community Radio this evenin', sponsored by Pan-CHOW, Panda Candy, and your local retailers! We wish you all a good night! And remember: We're a Beachside Beginnin'~!
♫ Aoi Tanaka - Risky Boot Jazz Serenade ♫
♫ Lost and Found - Bandwidth ♫
♫ Sargasso Community Radio - Interlude: Thursday ♫
Right well, as I was sayin', we were faced with another spate of crime in our slowly becoming more and more liveable city. Definitely better than after the bust fer certain, but I digress, today four robbers who'd made off with goods from the rooftop convenience store at Wayfield's Legacy Mall thought they could make themselves a quick getaway in style, exploitin' our fair zip-system for their ill gotten gains! They looked pretty tubby too, doubt the leader guy could've taken the stairs 'er they woulda rolled down 'em!
So they grab 'em all a zipline, not lookin' at where it goes so long as it goes away from the cops. Meanwhile down on the beach, there's a handful of burly soldiers from PSG - big fellas like ID-SOL and Fyunnen - even saw me a four-arms Abwehran. Captain Luca's standin' out there giving them instructions when he looks up and spots himself four unsavoury characters comin' straight for his trainin' field, sprayin' bullets everywhere but where he's standing! Couldn't hit the underside of a HRAY!
Needless to say the burly soldiers, I counted 'bout six of 'em, charged forward at the Captain's command with their trainin' weapons and subdued each of the criminals and confiscated their goods. I ain't never seen that many welts on a man's face because the PSG shot the tar outta the crooks with rubber bullets, then drew trainin' knives and subdued 'em with some fancy judo stuff unbefittin' of their huge bodies. Cops showed up a couple 'o moments later and apprehended 'em.
The captain smiled, nodded and continued trainin' his men like it were no big thing. Big ol' softie. Here's some music fer chillin', somethin' those crooks will be doin' in our new jail! Open for conjugals on weekends between the hours of 0700 and 1000, and 1900 to 2200!
♫ Heavy Driver - Beachside Cycle ♫
♫ Rei and the Clovers - Jam Session No. 12 ♫
♫ Dy'na - The Drop ♫
Tunes chill enough to keep yer beer tastin' great. Never got th' lorath band Dy'na though. Went to one of their concerts and I had to wear a raincoat! Hah! So let's go over the Births and Deaths fer this week in Sargasso, records startin' between Thursday now and Thursday last week.
Friday, death, Hank Beefchest, age 'bout 80 I think, he forgot, died 'a natural causes peacefully 'n surrounded by family. He's due to get 'imself a cremation on Sunday and I gotta say I miss the bastard already.
Monday, birth, kid for the McLeod family, baby girl, looks healthy, th' name's Jill. Everyone wish the McLeod's well and congratulations from SCR!
Wednesday, four dead, none of 'em from 'round here, drove a car into a swimmin' pool in Waterworld after gettin' plastered at Lina's. Cops determined them based on ID's found in their coats to be Adrian Ballknocker, Cadden Donovan, Erik Funke, and Gary Horton. Dunno who they are or why they got a car to go swimmin', 'cause that worked out for them, dummies.
Finally, the one you've been waitin' fer, the Stupidity of the Week! Our enterprisin' criminals who misjudged where the Ziplines went, they had this to say about their experience when they were dragged in front of the judge.
"We think this Zipline business has potential," says one of the criminals, who was unable to be immediately identified 'er speak correctly was writing this down and it was being read by a policeman. The criminal's face was swollen like a rotten tomato on account 'a being shot at with rubber bullets and being bludgeoned with very large fists. "The wind in your hair feels great and the heavier your loot is the faster you go," he wrote.
The other three criminals were in a similarly unpleasant state of arrangements - at least one of 'em would be crappin' teeth for the next few days - their statements more 'er less boiled down to support of the Zipline system fer criminal enterprise and for movies an' stuntman practice.
And this is the stuff that puts Sargasso on the map, folks. With the investment necessary to keeping a healthy level of crime, and economic stimulus (sometimes both wrapped in the same convenient package!) we can make Sargasso be better than the backwater everyone makes it out to be! We have somethin' no other town's and we're practically festoonin' with them, and we can export that to the world at large: Ziplines!
Right, that's all from me, Karl, and that's all from Sargasso Community Radio this evenin', sponsored by Pan-CHOW, Panda Candy, and your local retailers! We wish you all a good night! And remember: We're a Beachside Beginnin'~!
♫ Aoi Tanaka - Risky Boot Jazz Serenade ♫
♫ Lost and Found - Bandwidth ♫
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