FROM: Chui Aliset Koun, Helmsman, YSS Koun, First Fleet
TO: Qrr'ti Yulata ti Isthat ka Was'at, diplomat, RJFV Tuat'La
CC:
SUBJECT: RE: A Request for Guidance
Thank you for your kind words. I'll admit it's not easy for me to admit to problems I face, from medical to mental.
Levente Barna, the husband from that dream, is, despite his rough and tumble actions and that he is a man of action, is also unwaveringly kind. He always puts the needs of his troops above his own, even to the point of self destruction. He was always harsh, but never more than was necessary. He values skill and honor far more than I could have, and always pushed for a diverse skillset, and a team based mentality in his group of friends, lovers, and wives. In many ways, he was more Senti than I am.
Last year, he went on a routine patrol mission planetside, and all that was recovered was the knife forged in Subati forge, Shurista, issued to me in ceremony at my graduation into the Civil Service. The knife I gave him. It shook me to the core to see his sister the way she was when she gave me back his knife.
I cannot have children until I pass the age of seventy five due to damage to my pelvis. Such would be lethal to myself and my child, unless there is some miracle of medical technology to repair a twisted pelvic arch.
The dream you saw aches when I awaken from it, knowing that my husbands are likely both dead or worse, and those children are merely echoes of the neverwas.
I have over a decade's experience as a captain, granted it was a postage freighter with a fifteen person crew. I flew combat missions in the Kuvexian War as a bomber pilot, and fought in the battle of Glimmergold, watched as the fleets collided in needless bloodshed and death on a scale I would have found hard to imagine if I had not seen Turassiel burn and split, had not flown an escort sortie for the survivors. I'll admit that there was rage and hate in my actions in battle. I am not proud of falling into the Skydasi folly. To this day, I'm not sure how I managed to pull back.
There has to be a better way forward. And I have forty years to wait and find a way before I can start a family of my own. If I live that long.
I pray my husband will find his way home. Maybe one day I can hunt him down and get some closure.
No path seems obvious. I am no more than a stranger in a strange world. Rare, exotic, but not yet a valued asset by my peers.
I don't know if I'm ready to try again to build a family, and let someone into my scarred little heart. If'Ni knows I want to. But I am not ready to risk allowing myself to cost someone everything. I don't want my love to carry any toll, let alone one so heavy, and I don't know how to fix it. Or even approach the issue with a healer. My Captain is a good man. Sayoko is my superior in all things scientific save a lapel pin, and were it safe for them, I would be considering my Gifts to them, already.
All of this you knew, though. It feels nice to set it on paper, so to speak. But you're cryptic.