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Approved Character Anselm Wyatt

Cy83r K0rp53

Cy83r K0rp53

Inactive Member
Anselm Wyatt

Phew, first Wikipage ever, that was... somewhat stressful.

Okay, core concept is down, some fluff and equipment listed.

Just wondering if Anselm's cybernetics are going to need some overhauling and be listed as equipment instead of just background. I also might try my hand at customizing that avatar, or I could try my hand at drawing him... I do have a scanner... tempting, maybe, I'll get everything text-wise settled in before touching that though.

Immediate first impresions?
 
First off, welcome to SARP.

Second, nice picture... but SARP can't use copyrighted pictures for anything. Unless you drew that picture (or have the copyright license for it), then you'll have to remove it. The picture doesn't match the description exactly, too, btw.

Third, and now, the character:

1. 23 years old and 'fresh out of the vat'? Dermal pigments? o_O A little special for just a clone, eh?

2. Description and explanations on physical features are unnecessary in the Personality section. Those go in the Distinguising Features section.

3. His Creator would be "Star Military of the Democratic Imperium of Nepleslia" probably.

4. Pre-RP should be what happened at his birth, during training, and anything else that happened before he comes aboard the NSS Acadia.

5. Just glanced at the Skills, but they seem to be in order. I'll let others fine tune it.

6. Great start, but he seems a little sparse right now. Good luck!
 
Sorry, I'd assumed that accelerated growth technology was available, which is where I got his scarring from, some sort of flaw in the process. Maybe experimental, I'll toss the cybernetics, except the eye, unless you want that out too.
 
Well, you misunderstood, I think. Let me clarify:

'Fresh out of the vat' means, to me, that he's around 18 years old physically. Heck, the clones from Star Wars were only about 20 years physically when they were sent into battle against hordes of droids.

Experimental things need to be approved by a GM.. in this case, by Nep GMs. Cybernetics are fine, but just don't get too complicated for a first character. Let them earn their cybers in battle. A lot funner and less hassel by being 'special'. Clones are made all the same for a reason. :)

Anywho, the scarring can stay, too, but I'd still recommend a Nep GM who is familiar with the aspects of Nepleslian cloning tech to be a judge if this 'accident' is plausible.
 
This one's still being worked on.

This character is pending. The submitter needs to address the previous list of edits.
 
I'm assuming these are all the issues I'm dealing with.

Fay said:
First off, welcome to SARP.

Second, nice picture... but SARP can't use copyrighted pictures for anything. Unless you drew that picture (or have the copyright license for it), then you'll have to remove it. The picture doesn't match the description exactly, too, btw.

Third, and now, the character:

1. 23 years old and 'fresh out of the vat'? Dermal pigments? o_O A little special for just a clone, eh?

2. Description and explanations on physical features are unnecessary in the Personality section. Those go in the Distinguising Features section.

3. His Creator would be "Star Military of the Democratic Imperium of Nepleslia" probably.

4. Pre-RP should be what happened at his birth, during training, and anything else that happened before he comes aboard the NSS Acadia.

5. Just glanced at the Skills, but they seem to be in order. I'll let others fine tune it.

6. Great start, but he seems a little sparse right now. Good luck!
Click to expand...

Pic: Removed
1: Okay, so I'll make him three-four years younger and rewrite the description a bit- done (20 years, description fixed)
2: I believe I've fixed this, but I'll recheck- done
3: done
4: not done
5: cool
6: thanks

Cool, so I've just got to write out his pre-rp section, assuming I've got everything else down.

What's the deal on writing in characters important to the PC's past, can I just make up a name and be done with it or do I have to get detailed?

EDIT: Small question, am I writting 20 years of history or just a small portion? (i.e. out of the tube at 18, nearly two years of government education sims or w/e, and several months of training)
 
Oh shizzap! I actually reviewed a character bio correctly? Whoo! Anywho, let me look at your progress, CK.

*time passes*

Okay, much better! I'm looking forward to reading your character's Pre-RP history. Just right about the last two years, since wasn't technically -alive- 20 years ago. Write about him coming out of the vats, his very limited childhood-to-adulthood history, training, etc etc.

By the way, the skills are fine, so don't worry about that. Made up names are fine. If you delve into his history (via flashback, homecoming, or whatnot), then you'll probably need to describe and roleplay as them, but other then that, they'll just be a name in his bio. You can, however, turn that name into future characters. A lot of people do that, it seems.
 
Alright, awesome. Because of some problems on my family's PCs, I'll have little to no posting on weekends and holidays till I can afford my own PC and stop relying on the college for access.

I'll get to the history today and tommorrow and hopefully have it up on monday, perhaps tuesday. (and then there's always laziness and procrastination to take into account... -.-;)
 
A few nits.

Weight seems a bit high, he's at the high end for weight, but the low end for height, makes him definitely stocky which may be what you are after, might want to mention that in his build.

Nepleslia doesn't use KS, they use DA for currency.

I'll leave the rest to Fay.
 
Thanks, Nashoba. Now, for evening sports.........

Anywho! Occupation is fine, but technically, I think he'll be a Marine. Not sure if there is a major difference or not, but in real life, there is! xD

Like Nashoba said, he's a little stocky, but if you were going for that, then it would be a good idea to say that (or at least a synonym of stocky) rather then just "Heavily Muscled". It'd give more 'meat' in that section that direly needs it right now.

Technically, he would've been born into the "Nepleslian Star Empire", or even before Nepleslia seceded from Yamatai. If he was born at the beginning of the year, it'd be the latter. I am unsure if Nepleslia was even cloning marines at that time, though. I'd like a second opinion from one of the Nep GMs for confirmation. Technically, I am unsure Nepleslia didn't reform into a 'Democratic Imperium' until YE 30.

*blinks at the term 'hatched' for a clone* Never heard that one before. xD Usually, it is known as "Growing", but hey, kudos for originality! ^^

Please check spelling. After graduating, Anselm and the rest of his class were officially enlisted in the Star Army of the Democratic Imperium of Neplesia and shipped of to basic. Red is the misspelling, and yellow is something else that should be changed based on what I've already said.

Private Third Class is the lowest rank in the Nep military.. Why would he get 'promoted' to that rank? ^^;;

Other then that, I really see nothing else wrong with him at the moment.

Edit: Confirmation complete. He can be a military clone. Thanks to Moonie and Sub for their help!
 
PTC is paygrade E-1
Private fourth class is grade E-0, I believe the US military has something similar but they only have PFC, PSC, and Pvt

I was looking at the paygrade article and saw the E-0 listing and figured I'd write in a reason why he was promoted to E-1, it's just fluff.

I'll correct those errors.
 
E-0 is a disciplinary rank. He probably wouldn't start out that way...

Edit: Which brings up: What exactly was he punished for? You didn't really clarify in the history.. or at least, I couldn't see anything that would cause alarm. Were the 'accidents' in training somehow his fault?
 
General unpleasant attitude: read his personality profile

Personality: Anselm is aggressively antagonistic, a trait that has won him few friends and several reprimands and punishments over the course of his training. His choice of friends is unpredictable and a bad omen since anyone he seems to give an ounce of respect to suffers a bizarre accident, so far one person has suffered “Anselm's Omen”, as his classmates have named the coincidence.
Click to expand...

the first accident might have been able to be attributed to him but wasn't, the second accident was plain bad luck/fate.

EDIT: fixes made, anything else?
 
Ahhh, m'kay. Well, I am unsure if attitude alone could get him into the disciplinary program. <.< I can't remember what the other PCs that found themselves with such a rank did though..
 
Altered: took out the promotion bit, putting a mite more detail into his personality section and I might just rewrite it all together.

EDIT: added a few pieces to his personality section, I believe that I am done now.
 
The personality is short, but sweet. If Doshii and the Nep GMs have no problems, then I recommend this characters approval.
 
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