This looks very good Derran. The bio is concise, intelligent and the character portrayed seems to have the making of someone whom would come from a military family.
The only thing I see missing are the skills. could you refer to the CCG and try to choose from 7 to 10 skills for your character? Ordinarely, starting characters get a maximum of seven, but your character looks experienced enough to have gained some more.
Pending the addition of the skills, I'd approve this bio.
Also: Could you tell us what is commodore in relation to Star Army of Yamatai ranks? For my own curiosity: I know it's just above Captain (I think), but I have trouble making an equivalency.
What comes next is more for the benefit of the newer players than for you: Derran is a veteran player and has a high board rank. This isn't his first character, therefore, he can start at a higher rank - no problem here.