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Approved Submission Electroptic/Quasitransistor femtoprocessor

OsakanOne

OsakanOne

Inactive Member
Retired Member
Submission Type: Computer technology/system architecture
Submission URL: https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=lazarus:femtoprocessor

Faction: Lorath, Nepleslian, DATASS
FM Approved Yet?: Yes
Faction requires art?: No

For Reviewers:
Contains Unapproved Sub-Articles?: No
Contains New art?: No
Previously Submitted?: Nope

Notes:
Lots of big words but underneath it, but its a fairly simple set of concepts that are pretty easy to understand.
 
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Sure, hold on.

Edit: Just added some stuff in at the top that should give a solid all-around sense of what the article is and what it does at the top. Does it help?
 
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Not quite, but it's a bit over my head, and I'm trying to bring it down to an 8th-grade level. It's probably more my problem than it is for others.
 
Well, what is it in the initial description you don't understand?

This kind of assumes the reader knows some basic things about computers. If they don't, it would take an entire article of its own to explain.
 
@OsakanOne - are you still working on this? I can go ahead and review it if you'd like if you are still interested. Again, if an article sits, it's ok to start asking for a reviewer.
 
Alright, this article is Under Review then.

First and foremost, the opening at the top should just be a few sentences long. It needs to very briefly say what it is, who makes it and when it was made. After that, you'll need to take all of the pre-existing text, as well as the current text within the "About" section and move them elsewhere. The "About" section needs to focus on simply what it is and what it can do for the customer. It's supposed to be a brief for the buyer to read and consider the product/technology.

All the current info in the opening area and About can instead go into sections dedicated to how the technology actually does what it is advertised to do. When that is done, we'll take it from there.
 
Thanks. There's just a lot on my plate right now and I'm not sure the outcome on my "tech tree of prerequisites I need" is going to be worth it.
 
I have abridged the article greatly and merged the explanation along with simpler terms into the article body.

Is this suitable?
 
Okay we're good to go. Resume. Its a better read now.

Apparently I'm a better writer now who understands their audience or some bullshit I don't know.

@Doshii Jun: thanks for teaching me the value of writing in an authorial tone that doesn't make me sound like I've got pinecone stuck up my rectum. It is a great help and with any luck my articles will become less word-soup and more "ooh cool" in the future.
 
I'm at your service.

To the review:

First and foremost, I think you have a ways to go to reducing the wordsoup. This article is more clearly written, but you backtrack early on to explain RL technology and terminology. I don't believe you can help that, however; without it, I would have been far more lost.

I'm going to limit my critique of the submission's context. What's important for the player is how the stuff is used now and how they might use it themselves. The science behind it is nebulous, but the effect is clear — we have here the means to utilize Souricans and make them into applicable computer sources.

It might be more helpful to the player to explain how they will see this technology in the setting. If I'm a Lorath technician, for instance, am I going to see EQFM tech in frames? What tools do I bring to work on it? If I'm an experienced captain, how does it change how I interact with my AI, if at all? Does it feel more "dead" than the farmed brains of Sourcians? Does it feel at all? What about someone wanting to buy the technology, if they could?

You're close at this point. This feels more like background tech to justify later submissions, but if at all possible, we should avoid past mistakes (not directly yours) and offer useful player context.

This in-development submission remains in good standing.
 
With the real world tech, it might not be a bad idea to make a section near the top that just links to various pages explaining it on Wikipedia, or another decently reliable source with fairly stable linking, instead of making it part of the article. Dunno if that would make it a bit hard to read for non-tech people though, at least without having sixteen windows open.
 
Uh, do you still want me to review this, or is Doshii on it? I still suggest breaking the article down into sections though; an opening sentence, an 'About' section that gives a brief synopsis and a 'Systems' or something that which dives into the nitty-gritty.
 
RPG-D RPGfix
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