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Approved Character First try

First off welcome to the site! Saw your new posting and thought if give your character a looksy. By all means I'm not a final say in anything but after reading your character sheet this is what I suggest.

1. Spelling and grammar, I myself have a hard time with it as well so give it a double check.

2. You used 5/7 skill slots, granted it's your choice but I suggest adding a few more (they can also add a bit more character like maybe he has a hobby of baking or something.)

3. Thirdly and finally building off the 2nd point you may want to divy up your leadership skill, a few of the things you mentioned in it are other skill slots (ie reading maps is in survival and navigation).

Hope this helps out feel free to ask questions about anything, the site mods are wonders and us general players can help out a bit too, also a great source is the irc channel. I would post links to stuff if I could but currently on my cellular device so it's a bit of a hassle also not to mention I'm one foot off to slumberland, though I'm sure someone will post them soon enough.

As stated before hope this helps out and have fun on the site! Happy RPing

~Riko
 
A few things, piggybacking off of Riko's suggestions:

1. I have to parrot Riko's comment about spelling and grammar (for example, spell "semi-long" as opposed to "simi[sic]-long," "mechanic" or "machinist" as opposed to "mechanist," and use commas to divide individual thoughts or phrases within a sentence). That's a big issue for me, so if you would, please go back and try to clean up your writing to make it a bit easier on the eyes and mind of a former English teacher. LOL

2. You aren't required to use all seven skill slots by any means, so if you only want five, that's perfectly fine. It leaves room for your character to develop as the plot progresses, if that's appealing to you, or you can pick two more skills to add.

3. That said, under "Leadership" you seem to have described a skillset that's more under the purview of strategic and tactical thinking, rather than actually leading people. Just for clarity's sake, you make want to notate that skill section as something like "Leadership (Tactics)," just to make it more obvious. It's nit-picking, I know, but it makes things easier for me as the GM when I'm going back and quick-referencing character sheets. Or, as Riko suggested, you could divide the skills into two areas.

4. Under Communications, I'd prefer you to specify Nepleslian as one of your languages, since that's the Trade language (@Wes, feel free to correct me if I'm mistaken), and also the language that will almost exclusively be spoken aboard the ship and in 99.9% of its dealings.

I like your choice of weapons, by the way. :)

As for content, under "Distinguishing Features," please add something in that section, even if it's nothing more than "None." Also, I'd like some more information on Vel's personality, aside from simply describing his knack for tinkering, which is really more of a skill than a defining personality trait. What kind of demeanor does he have? Is he shy, reserved, or outgoing? Does he laugh easily? Is he quick to anger or patient? Is he analytical or impulsive? Does he enjoy company or does he prefer to be alone? Does he have any quirks or odd habits?

Understand that you don't have to flesh every minute detail about him out right now, but writing down a framework to work within will help you develop the character as time progresses. Many of his defining characteristics will evolve on the spot during the RP, but you'll find it much easier for that to happen if you give yourself a good starting point.

If you can get these issues cleared up, I'm okay to approve this for the RP. A bar fight just started, so if we can finish this up in the next day or two, you can jump into the fray. :p
 
Floodwaters said:
A few things, piggybacking off of Riko's suggestions:

1. I have to parrot Riko's comment about spelling and grammar (for example, spell "semi-long" as opposed to "simi[sic]-long," "mechanic" or "machinist" as opposed to "mechanist," and use commas to divide individual thoughts or phrases within a sentence). That's a big issue for me, so if you would, please go back and try to clean up your writing to make it a bit easier on the eyes and mind of a former English teacher. LOL

2. You aren't required to use all seven skill slots by any means, so if you only want five, that's perfectly fine. It leaves room for your character to develop as the plot progresses, if that's appealing to you, or you can pick two more skills to add.

3. That said, under "Leadership" you seem to have described a skillset that's more under the purview of strategic and tactical thinking, rather than actually leading people. Just for clarity's sake, you make want to notate that skill section as something like "Leadership (Tactics)," just to make it more obvious. It's nit-picking, I know, but it makes things easier for me as the GM when I'm going back and quick-referencing character sheets. Or, as Riko suggested, you could divide the skills into two areas.

4. Under Communications, I'd prefer you to specify Nepleslian as one of your languages, since that's the Trade language (@Wes, feel free to correct me if I'm mistaken), and also the language that will almost exclusively be spoken aboard the ship and in 99.9% of its dealings.

I like your choice of weapons, by the way. :)

As for content, under "Distinguishing Features," please add something in that section, even if it's nothing more than "None." Also, I'd like some more information on Vel's personality, aside from simply describing his knack for tinkering, which is really more of a skill than a defining personality trait. What kind of demeanor does he have? Is he shy, reserved, or outgoing? Does he laugh easily? Is he quick to anger or patient? Is he analytical or impulsive? Does he enjoy company or does he prefer to be alone? Does he have any quirks or odd habits?

Understand that you don't have to flesh every minute detail about him out right now, but writing down a framework to work within will help you develop the character as time progresses. Many of his defining characteristics will evolve on the spot during the RP, but you'll find it much easier for that to happen if you give yourself a good starting point.

If you can get these issues cleared up, I'm okay to approve this for the RP. A bar fight just started, so if we can finish this up in the next day or two, you can jump into the fray. :p
Click to expand...


Thank you for all of your input there are a few things that I would like to point out.

1. The Mechanist was in the races occupations as it is a specialization in mechs/power armor ect. as well as a general mechanic and Vel, as i pointed out in the bio, has a love of power armors and i wanted to make sure he would have the know how to show that love without simply stating it.

2. I was unaware that the common trade language was Nepleslian otherwise i would have added it.

3. The Leadership skill was from his General Infantry training though i will change a few things to make it more interesting and focus it on tactics which was my plan in the first place. Lol

4. Vel was actually supposed to be one of those people that unless you knew him very well he has almost no features that would pick him out from a crowd, although thinking about it now he is going to be the only one of his people most likely on the ship (or on the planet) so making him "Not stand out" would be rather pointless.

5. I will go back and go deeper into who he is as a whole in the personality section.

Thank you and @Wes for all your input and i will look closely at things that i can change to improve Vel as a character.
 
1. I understand now, so consider that concern allayed.

2. That's why I pointed it out. There's a lot to learn here, and I am by no means an expert, even after a year. :)

3. --

4. That makes sense, but if you could simply notate that he has no distinguishing features, that would at least make it clear that's what you meant, and not that you forgot to fill out that section. LOL

5. Thanks!
 
Floodwaters said:
1. I understand now, so consider that concern allayed.

2. That's why I pointed it out. There's a lot to learn here, and I am by no means an expert, even after a year. :)

3. --

4. That makes sense, but if you could simply notate that he has no distinguishing features, that would at least make it clear that's what you meant, and not that you forgot to fill out that section. LOL

5. Thanks!
Click to expand...

I believe i fixed most of the things you pointed out if you wish to take another look
 
So far so good!

One thing that eluded me before - on his age, you noted 23 YE. Does that mean he was born in the year 23 YE, or is he 23 years old?
 
I think if we put his date of birth, it would work for both systems. *Scratches head*
 
Looks good to me. This character is APPROVED!

You are free to join the current RP thread, located here. Please be sure you read the wiki page on the Halna system, so that you're familiar with the world on which the crew is currently located, and read the descriptions of the areas detailed out so far in the RP. If you wish to add more details of your own, be sure not to contradict anything that has already been written, whether on the forum thread or on the wiki article.

I strongly urge you to come up with an in-character reason as to why your character is on the Black Moon. I also want to remind you to refer back to your character article often as a guidebook, and update it every time you feel like there has been a relevant enough change or event to warrant an edit. As you RP, more details will reveal themselves -- be sure to add them!

Also, be sure you're posting at least once every two days to keep the plot moving forward. If RL circumstances prevent it, let me know via PM, IRC, or on the OOC thread as soon as is reasonably possible. And if you're ever stuck as to needing something to respond to, feel free to ask me or any of the other players for a little help.

With that said, go ahead and jump in the chaos. It's about to get messy in there. :p
 
I just want to ask - is the character name supposed to be nightwolfe79? Because it is a wee bit confusing that what sounds like username is in the character namespace.
 
Sigma said:
I just want to ask - is the character name supposed to be nightwolfe79? Because it is a wee bit confusing that what sounds like username is in the character namespace.
Click to expand...

I fail to see where you see that can you copy and paste it so I can understand?
 
I see what he's talking about in the wiki address: wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=characters:yamatai:nightwolfe79 <---

That's a question for the Wiki Gurus @Wes and @Nashoba, however....
 
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@Floodwaters I have come to the realization that i am going to need to do some heavy editing due to missing a huge section of the Iromakuanhe which is the Symbiotics (Bio augments of many kinds) unless you would rather i just leave them out? (I wouldnt get any combat enhancements but there are several others that i was interested in) Also there are parts of the Iromakuanhe biology that i missed that are a part that is a standard part of the race.
 
I think Floodwaters wants to accept "mostly human" (as in no 'super powers') level characters in her plot so if you add enhancements, they should probably be of the lighter variety.
 
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