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Approved Character Gary Diovi'
- Thread starter Gary
- Start date
Aendri
Inactive Member
Well, first off you need to post this on the wiki, rather than here. If you don't have an account on there, you can accomplish that by creating one, here. Then you need to edit what you've pasted in this thread onto this page. Once you've done that, this character will be reviewable. You also want to create your user page, at this link, and this is a link to the other user's sites for an example. You probably want to remove your email from your post as well, as it could be picked up and used by an ad-bot.
Gary,
First let me say Welcome to the SARP, I am Nashoba (Brian) and I am one of the characer reviewers. Not a bad first attempt.
Here are a few of issues I've found so far.
User pages are pretty much up to the individual. Whatever you are willing to share.
(But do not put your email) on the page.
Height of 7 feet is not typical, and will probably create problems using most of the power armor and such.
There is no Earth in the SARP, so remove the Creole reference.
Need to go through and fix typos.
In Personality: enviroments should be environments
Dislikes: supiority should be superiority
History: geurilla should be guerilla
Survival and Military: construst should be construct, Tought should be Taught
Physical: Posessing should be Possessing
Personality: From his slightly bloodier training From the history you wrote it does not seem any more bloodier than most Nepleslians.
Communications Skill
Need to edit, and replace Your character and The Character with character name.
Same with Fighting Skill, Survival Skill, Strategy
You have Survival twice so you need to consolidate and pick a new skill.
In the finances, Nepleslia does not use KS, they use DA.
Starting pay of: 6000 DA
Also indicate in the table what was purchased to decrease the money.
This character is still pending approval.
Make the corrections where indicated, and then update this thread to indicate you are ready for another review.
First let me say Welcome to the SARP, I am Nashoba (Brian) and I am one of the characer reviewers. Not a bad first attempt.
Here are a few of issues I've found so far.
User pages are pretty much up to the individual. Whatever you are willing to share.
(But do not put your email) on the page.
Height of 7 feet is not typical, and will probably create problems using most of the power armor and such.
There is no Earth in the SARP, so remove the Creole reference.
Need to go through and fix typos.
In Personality: enviroments should be environments
Dislikes: supiority should be superiority
History: geurilla should be guerilla
Survival and Military: construst should be construct, Tought should be Taught
Physical: Posessing should be Possessing
Personality: From his slightly bloodier training From the history you wrote it does not seem any more bloodier than most Nepleslians.
Communications Skill
Need to edit, and replace Your character and The Character with character name.
Same with Fighting Skill, Survival Skill, Strategy
You have Survival twice so you need to consolidate and pick a new skill.
In the finances, Nepleslia does not use KS, they use DA.
Starting pay of: 6000 DA
Also indicate in the table what was purchased to decrease the money.
This character is still pending approval.
Make the corrections where indicated, and then update this thread to indicate you are ready for another review.
Fian
Well-Known Member
Yo, Garry. I'm the GM of the NSS Acadia, welcome to the SARP!
I look forward to you getting your character approved. Posting is a little slow because one of the players are out and I'm recovering from a sports injury. Though, getting you in isn't a problem.
Just do what Nashoba says and you'll be fine.
I look forward to you getting your character approved. Posting is a little slow because one of the players are out and I'm recovering from a sports injury. Though, getting you in isn't a problem.
Just do what Nashoba says and you'll be fine.
Aendri
Inactive Member
Okay, well I'm neither a character reviewer nor a Nep expert, but I'll give it a shot.
Some quick, easy stuff.
Go in, and pull up the standard Nep inventory coding. Yours is all over, and includes a lot of things I'm pretty sure we don't have in the setting, like Marine Corp insignia.
History seems a bit... shallow... to me. I don't know, it just seems light.
Strategy isn't a skill. It would be something listed under Survival and military or Fighting normally I believe, possibly leadership. That needs to have a mod decide what to do with it though.
On your other skills, it seems like you didn't include anything but the boilerplate stuff. Personalize them, make them YOUR character's skills. Also, he has no skills that have to do with anything but fighting and war? He can't pull tricks with a knife, or do anything else? It seems like you're trying to make a tank rather than a character meant for interaction. He has no skills that would be of any use for talking to women, or hanging out with his buddies in a bar. Believe me, you can pick up combat skills as you go along.
Personality is almost non-existent. Again, who is he? How would he react if a pretty girl walked up and started hitting on him, if a guy tripped in front of him and landed in a puddle? Make us KNOW who the character is, how he would react. We want a character that's fleshed out and believable.
In his description 'average ID-SOL build'. Elaborate. He's not going to be a complete average, he'll have differences. Are his muscles well defined, or is he just muscular? Tall and thin, or short and solid? Again, make us picture him when we read your description. A good basis to go on is to write it in such a way that an artist could draw him from nothing but your written description.
Overall, it seems like a decent submission. Since I'm nobody official, you don't have to listen to anything I say, but I think it's a good start.
One last thing. If I've made any mistakes, I am extremely sorry. Like I said, I have no Nep characters, and haven't read up much on them.
Some quick, easy stuff.
Go in, and pull up the standard Nep inventory coding. Yours is all over, and includes a lot of things I'm pretty sure we don't have in the setting, like Marine Corp insignia.
History seems a bit... shallow... to me. I don't know, it just seems light.
Strategy isn't a skill. It would be something listed under Survival and military or Fighting normally I believe, possibly leadership. That needs to have a mod decide what to do with it though.
On your other skills, it seems like you didn't include anything but the boilerplate stuff. Personalize them, make them YOUR character's skills. Also, he has no skills that have to do with anything but fighting and war? He can't pull tricks with a knife, or do anything else? It seems like you're trying to make a tank rather than a character meant for interaction. He has no skills that would be of any use for talking to women, or hanging out with his buddies in a bar. Believe me, you can pick up combat skills as you go along.
Personality is almost non-existent. Again, who is he? How would he react if a pretty girl walked up and started hitting on him, if a guy tripped in front of him and landed in a puddle? Make us KNOW who the character is, how he would react. We want a character that's fleshed out and believable.
In his description 'average ID-SOL build'. Elaborate. He's not going to be a complete average, he'll have differences. Are his muscles well defined, or is he just muscular? Tall and thin, or short and solid? Again, make us picture him when we read your description. A good basis to go on is to write it in such a way that an artist could draw him from nothing but your written description.
Overall, it seems like a decent submission. Since I'm nobody official, you don't have to listen to anything I say, but I think it's a good start.
One last thing. If I've made any mistakes, I am extremely sorry. Like I said, I have no Nep characters, and haven't read up much on them.
Okay, second round.
Just want to remind you that at 7' 6" tall, your character will not fit in some of the Power Armor.
Typo in Personality: physcological should be psychological
"Unstable often in environments outside of the military" How so, can you give an example?
Personality is very two dimensional, and somewhat conflicting. You say he likes Women, but
Typos in History:
judgement should be judgment
seige should be siege
Grammar: ...stopping a research costed the team two members ... should be ...stopping a research cost the team two members...
Fixed the formating on your inventory, and wikified items that should have been.
This character is still pending approval.
Just want to remind you that at 7' 6" tall, your character will not fit in some of the Power Armor.
Typo in Personality: physcological should be psychological
"Unstable often in environments outside of the military" How so, can you give an example?
Personality is very two dimensional, and somewhat conflicting. You say he likes Women, but
So what exactly does he like about them?
Typos in History:
judgement should be judgment
seige should be siege
Grammar: ...stopping a research costed the team two members ... should be ...stopping a research cost the team two members...
Fixed the formating on your inventory, and wikified items that should have been.
This character is still pending approval.
He views woman somewhat as a kid would in that weird stage. Because he is an ID-SOL its like" uh.. they say we are the same species but in training I never saw these things".Like the are new and intrigueing to him but hes not going to act on it.
His reactions to an outside enviroment would seem weird such as if a store clerk would try to make small talk he would just answer the question with a definitive answer." You from around here" the store clerk said." No" Gary said before paying and leaving.I've fixed everything you said and I think anything else that I say.Ready for an inspection.
sorry about making you do this much
His reactions to an outside enviroment would seem weird such as if a store clerk would try to make small talk he would just answer the question with a definitive answer." You from around here" the store clerk said." No" Gary said before paying and leaving.I've fixed everything you said and I think anything else that I say.Ready for an inspection.
sorry about making you do this much
Hi Gary,
No problem this is all part of the process.
Two small requests and I will not be holding up this character for them.
First, put the examples you just stated into the personality, so that GM's looking at your sheet will know that.
Second, You'r finances are a bit messed up.
Nepleslian Soldiers start with 6000 DA, and you spent 1020
So you should only have 4980.
Starting 6000
Purchase of weapons -1020
Result: 4980
This character is approved for IC usage.
You already created your user page, which I linked in the character for you.
So now you need to apply for orders. Use this link to post for orders
NEW PLAYERS: How to Request Orders
Have fun.
No problem this is all part of the process.
Two small requests and I will not be holding up this character for them.
First, put the examples you just stated into the personality, so that GM's looking at your sheet will know that.
Second, You'r finances are a bit messed up.
Nepleslian Soldiers start with 6000 DA, and you spent 1020
So you should only have 4980.
Starting 6000
Purchase of weapons -1020
Result: 4980
This character is approved for IC usage.
You already created your user page, which I linked in the character for you.
So now you need to apply for orders. Use this link to post for orders
NEW PLAYERS: How to Request Orders
Have fun.
