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Approved Character Hello!

I understood, just wished them to stop since I changed my ways. All good anyway. IYO, any errors with my bio or my company?
 
I didn't sound rude, did I? Because I didn't want to sound rude.


Anyways, the two corporate plots are OIF Atuan and the newly launched LSDF Akahar. One of which is a Lorath plot and the other is "technically" a Yamataian plot but accepts all races. For the Atuan, talk to Kai/CadetNewb. For the Akahar, talk to Arieg or Luca.

As for updated profile criticism, just ditch the concept of a wormhole entirely. That includes in the skills, which are still overpowered from my standpoint. Your skills aren't an example of how supreme you are at everything, but rather what you know and how well you know it. Most PCs would not start off with the heavy skills your guy has (I.E. how you guy does astrophysics, mathematics, tech operation, etc.) Just stick with the strategy of "Pick two to buff and three to negative" and you'll come out with a more well rounded character.

As for your company, please stop insisting on making one so early on in the game. One of the other FMs explained why they don't allow new players to create companies. Instead, inquire to the above plots and ask the respective gms what company and role is needed to be filled.
 
Guys, please try not to be so negative. I'm hearing a lot of "don't" and "you can't" when we should be providing guidance on what can be done. Star Army is a universe built on our imaginations, so try not to stifle the ideas new players are bringing into the RP.

I'm okay with characters that don't entirely fit the mold, and it's okay for characters to go on to do great things. All I ask is that the beginnings be small at first - this allows you to absorb the existing setting and for the setting to get used to the new elements you're adding to it. Furthermore, we don't want to make a major change to the setting when we're not sure if someone is going to be able to commit to their creations. So please understand we tend to be a bit cautious. That doesn't mean we're not glad to have you.

Most characters start at or near the lowest ranks and earned their way up, and I want to be fair to those guys. Roleplay is about the journey and the adventure and struggles and if you start out at the finish line, you've skipped a lot of that. So it's my suggestion that being a corporate president is a goal for your first character.

That said, there is a need for civilian businesses and for civilian plots to populate and roam Star Army, and I'm interested to see what you come up with.
 
Alright, I will keep the wormhole (as it will being fit my character in the future) but tone down the skills. As the plots arn't on the list, may I still add them to my bio?
 
You still need to specify a current faction and what plot you want to join, you also need to remove the leadership skill because that's not allowed on new characters.

You also need to fix up the bio a bit, add in goals and such.
 
Moogle said:
Just stick with the strategy of "Pick two to buff and three to negative" and you'll come out with a more well rounded character.
Click to expand...

Please check to see if I have done this right.
 
I hope this fits much better. I will have my laptop back at around midday today, as they needed it overnight.
 
Question: How did he get sucked into the wormhole? (Wouldn't that mean bringing some extradimensional ship into the SARPiverse?). This would be a lot more simple without the wormhole factor.
 
All members (except Wes): I'm going to review this character tonight. Please refrain from further comments until I'm done with the review. Thanks all.
 
Wes said:
Question: How did he get sucked into the wormhole? (Wouldn't that mean bringing some extradimensional ship into the SARPiverse?). This would be a lot more simple without the wormhole factor.
Click to expand...
Why would it have to be extra dimensional? It was a natural phenomenon, which he manipulated to get back out 4 years of research later.
 
Hey Levon. You found me earlier as an admin, but I'm also chief character mod for the site.

I'm going to analyze your bio piece-by-piece and help you get on track to join this great community we have here. You've seen already that we're passionate about what we do on this site, with some of us putting in as many hours a week as someone would with a full-time job.

If that passion comes a little hot, forgive us. We want you as a player on this site, and hopefully this bio breakdown will prove it to you.

1. Name: No last/family name?

2. Height/Weight (+ Build): He's very, very thin for a young man 2 meters high. Is he meant to be as lanky as he is? Or does he exercise? Maybe a runner, or a swimmer.

3. Organization: Right now, this company doesn't exist. You submitted it, which is good. If it's approved, you'll have something going. Just remember to come back and fix the wiki to link to the Royal Enterprises page.

Something to keep in mind about the company: No one is going to care about it. You're creating something purely for your own purposes, and that's OK, as we've all done it, but no one else cares about this company that came from nothing and has no products. If you can submit products (with art!), people will care more.

4. 80 kg seems like a much better weight for someone with average build. Just in case you want that instead.

5. What's a "respectable short groomed style?" Is it cropped close on all sides, longer on top, gelled, spiked, etc.?

6. Surely there has to be some features about the man that are different. What are they? Tattoos, piercings, birthmarks, scars, cheekbones, acne, clothing style, demeanor, gait, etc.

7. Psychological characteristics:

a. Let's start with this: how is he so intelligent? Does he have special areas of knowledge? Maybe he knows a lot about some things and little about others. Or is he a generalist? Does he have implants? A cybernetic brain?

b. How does he bore people with his allegedly increased intelligence? Does he lecture them? Does he talk a lot? Maybe he comes off as aloof, or a know-it-all.

1b. Keep in mind that you have to play this character. You need the char to come off as being that smart.

c. We've got datapads in the setting he could use, such as the DataJockey. Check out the wiki and search for one.

d. Does he like women? Sweets? Games? Music? Is he all business, all the time? That might be another reason he's boring.

e. No one likes bankruptcy. Might want to remove that and put in something else. Instead of Chinese, say "some Nepleslian ethnic cuisine."

8. History:

a. Family:

1a. You realize that IQ is not the standard of measuring intelligence that it once was? Not to mention the IQ tests used today don't even reach 200. See here. You should dump the IQ part, and instead say something like, "His family is obsessed with education, and pushed all children to focus on their studies and nothing else."

2a. Skip "old earth's Australia." We don't really have Earth in this setting that way. Instead, say he has a long family lineage.

b. Pre-RP:

1b. How did he make his fortune? Starships? Stocks? Illegal drugs? Banking? Money laundering? Be specific. Round the character out.

2b. It seems much easier, and more believable, to say that he inherited his money.

Right now, your character's a Gary Stu. Not such a big deal; PCs are meant to be special. But you're saying that he's an enormous phenom of a brain that made huge amounts of money. Someone like that would be noticed. Written about. I.e. already exist in the setting.

That's why saying he inherited his money is more believable.

3b. Skip the wormhole. Instead, say the autopilot went awry, and his ship's FTL system catapulted him several hundred light-years away.

4b. Skip the unseen technology and the stories. Instead, you can give your character some survivalist polish, showing how he made it back years later on a ship that should have, by all rights, been destroyed.

5b. While we're at it, can you explain the diplomatic mission? What was it about, who was it aimed at, etc.

9. Skills:

a. On Tech Ops, let's tone down "fixing nearly any piece of technology." Is he certified to fix Kessaku-made technology? Ketsurui-made? Elysian? Gartagen? Add some specifics.

b. Rework Knowledge. First, we have to get rid of old earth stuff. Instead, you can say he knows a lot about Nepleslia — and it gives you an excuse to read about Nepleslia. I say this because I took that same skill on my avatar character, but later muted it because I really didn't know enough about Nepleslia at all.

As well, law I can understand, but war tactics? Why would he know that? Is he a soldier? When did he have time to learn those things? Be specific.

c. Rework Engineering to show how he learned about starship mechanics and such during the four years he was lost in space. That way you can skip the new systems that aren't approved, along with other things (wormhole, etc.).

d. On Starship Ops, just rework it to get rid of the wormhole.

e. Dump Chemistry. Replace it with Survival.

Finances:

Cut it to 50,000 DA, instead of KS. More believable.

Overall: A lot of work needed, but potential's all over it. So long as you closely follow the suggestions given in this list, you'll be in good shape to tackle the site.

This character is pending. The player needs to make the listed edits to earn a second look at the bio.
 

Updated. Please review.
 
You didn't really put much effort into it, and you didn't quite follow everything I listed.

Dump anything about "unseen technology," OK? Your company is not yet approved, let alone your ship. It needs to go. Focus on surviving just on a starship for four years (no landings).

I'm headed to bed for the night. I'll check any other changes you've made in the morning, but the keyword to take away from this is "show effort." That shows you have the same passion we do. For instance, update that datapad mention by using the wiki to find the Datajockey article.
 

I used a different pad, is that ok?
 
I don't see the pad article linked into the wiki when the datapad is mentioned. Input links into the wiki like this:

Code: 
[[emrys:datapad|datapad]]

You PM'd me about the unseen technology part, I think. It is an order — take it out, please.

As well, make it several hundred light years away, not just four or five. Levon's ship would be found very, very quickly at that range. He'll learn more about engineering if he has to fix it all himself and slowly limp back. He can also talk about "unseen galaxies," though whether he'll be believed is another story.

Skills:

On Tech Ops, say "Levon is proficient in network control, diagnostic and repair, hacking and repairing nearly any piece of basic electronic equipment found on civilian starships."

On Knowledge, say "Levon's unique ancestry gives him inherent knowledge in most scholarly subjects including the history of Nepleslia, law and finance. He also has increased memory thanks to a subdermal implant."

On Engineering, say "Levon had to learn engineering by instinct — he was lost in an unknown part of space and had few tools and spare parts to fix his starship. He had to research designing and building repairs, assess structural integrity and performance, and jury-rig systems in order to get home."

On Survival, say "While stranded in unknown space, Levon had to learn to survive on limited rations and, after those were gone, by looking for derelict starships."

Make these changes and I think we'll be good to go.
 
Don't count on it. Focus on the Origin or Lorath plot, and you'll do well.

This character is approved for IC usage. The player now needs to PM the gamemaster of the plots he/she is interested in to determine where the character will go.

Welcome to the Star Army Role-Play.
 

Thanks much!
 
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