Yoshi
Inactive Member
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Approved Character Misato Suzume
- Thread starter Yoshi
- Start date
Not a bad start but a few things could be fixed or added:
1. Create yourself a User Page, Examples includ the following:
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=members:aendri
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=members:wes
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=members:kyle
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=members:kokuten
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=members:nashoba
2. Need to add Dislikes and Goals
3. History relates to the characters background, not what they are wearing. You also should probably add family as well, even if the family is dead, it should still be listed.
4. Also for inventory, please use this page: https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=ccg:inventory
I've also fixed up three areas of your bio, including adding links to the Rank, Organization, and Occupation.
1. Create yourself a User Page, Examples includ the following:
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=members:aendri
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=members:wes
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=members:kyle
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=members:kokuten
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=members:nashoba
2. Need to add Dislikes and Goals
3. History relates to the characters background, not what they are wearing. You also should probably add family as well, even if the family is dead, it should still be listed.
4. Also for inventory, please use this page: https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=ccg:inventory
I've also fixed up three areas of your bio, including adding links to the Rank, Organization, and Occupation.
Skills need some work, there is a Your character in the first, and need to decide if she speaks Yamataian by removing the (Optionally)
Emergency... not a skill, and the items under it fall under the general skills that all SAoY Personnel have the skills on this page.
Star Army Common Skills
Some general information your character would know.
Must knows
Emergency... not a skill, and the items under it fall under the general skills that all SAoY Personnel have the skills on this page.
Star Army Common Skills
Some general information your character would know.
Must knows
Alright, I think it just needs some proofreading for spelling and grammar and for you to create a user page (it doesn't have to be big or fancy).
I am a little worried that you're not capitalizing your sentences. I want all the Eucharis RP posts to be easily readable so correct language usage is important to me.
I am a little worried that you're not capitalizing your sentences. I want all the Eucharis RP posts to be easily readable so correct language usage is important to me.
Aendri
Inactive Member
That's actually a great method, and the one I usually recommend to people who have issues with their spelling and grammar.
Now, as for the character herself.
In the physical description, all of the opinions and little pieces of information should either be shifted into footnotes, or removed entirely. You have to remember, your opinion of "hardcore looking" is most likely almost entirely different from mine, and the reason she keeps her hair short couldn't matter less to my mental picture of her. tl;dr, Just remove everything that's not the description itself or at least move it.
I'd also like to see a bit more wordiness in general for the descriptions. You're trying to make it so that someone could draw her without having to talk to you (though artists always should anyway), so try to expand things a bit. "lithe yet strong form" could easily become "Misato has a thin, wiry frame with well defined muscles" for example, if you don't want her bulky. Also, please include distinguishing features of some sort. Everyone has a physical quirk of some sort, even if it's just that they're so completely normal looking you'd never look twice.
Also, if you could, please include the American measurements for everything as well. Most of our members and artists are American, and convertors are easily found online, so we ask you include both measurement styles.
Age you'll probably want to generalize a bit more than that. ~1 is usually more than enough for the profile, though including a birthday isn't a bad idea if you really want to keep track for yourself.
Under personality, the last sentence cuts off very abruptly. I'm also not sure I'm understanding it correctly. So she shows a harsh, cold face when she's working, right? Why would that keep people who spend almost all of their spare time as a group from getting to know her other side?
Likes and dislikes should really include more of a diverse range of things. Is cleaning and maintaining weapons the only thing she likes to do in her spare time? What kind of people does she like/dislike?
I personally prefer at least a full paragraph of history, but Wes feels it's enough, and you're headed his way, so I'll let it slide.
Under skills, the last skill you have (Equipment) should be Maintenance and Repair. You also have two skill slots which I would like to see you fill now unless you have a good reason to just skip them entirely.
Overall, the character looks pretty good. Most of the changes are just moving or rephrasing things, so don't get too discouraged. It's a very good first character thus far.
This character is pending changes.
Now, as for the character herself.
In the physical description, all of the opinions and little pieces of information should either be shifted into footnotes, or removed entirely. You have to remember, your opinion of "hardcore looking" is most likely almost entirely different from mine, and the reason she keeps her hair short couldn't matter less to my mental picture of her. tl;dr, Just remove everything that's not the description itself or at least move it.
I'd also like to see a bit more wordiness in general for the descriptions. You're trying to make it so that someone could draw her without having to talk to you (though artists always should anyway), so try to expand things a bit. "lithe yet strong form" could easily become "Misato has a thin, wiry frame with well defined muscles" for example, if you don't want her bulky. Also, please include distinguishing features of some sort. Everyone has a physical quirk of some sort, even if it's just that they're so completely normal looking you'd never look twice.
Also, if you could, please include the American measurements for everything as well. Most of our members and artists are American, and convertors are easily found online, so we ask you include both measurement styles.
Age you'll probably want to generalize a bit more than that. ~1 is usually more than enough for the profile, though including a birthday isn't a bad idea if you really want to keep track for yourself.
Under personality, the last sentence cuts off very abruptly. I'm also not sure I'm understanding it correctly. So she shows a harsh, cold face when she's working, right? Why would that keep people who spend almost all of their spare time as a group from getting to know her other side?
Likes and dislikes should really include more of a diverse range of things. Is cleaning and maintaining weapons the only thing she likes to do in her spare time? What kind of people does she like/dislike?
I personally prefer at least a full paragraph of history, but Wes feels it's enough, and you're headed his way, so I'll let it slide.
Under skills, the last skill you have (Equipment) should be Maintenance and Repair. You also have two skill slots which I would like to see you fill now unless you have a good reason to just skip them entirely.
Overall, the character looks pretty good. Most of the changes are just moving or rephrasing things, so don't get too discouraged. It's a very good first character thus far.
This character is pending changes.
Yoshi
Inactive Member
thank you for your comments on the physical description. I really didn't realized how short and skimmed over it was. Also I filled out the last two skill slots with Demo and Security. I corrected the equipment portion.
The measurements are also converted into Imperial, (funny I was thinking on not putting them in metric at all at first but the instructions said that I had to at the least.).
The cut off sentence in the personalty section was me reading it in my head more then what was on the dang screen (silly me)
The measurements are also converted into Imperial, (funny I was thinking on not putting them in metric at all at first but the instructions said that I had to at the least.).
The cut off sentence in the personalty section was me reading it in my head more then what was on the dang screen (silly me)
