Vakame Ruo'sa
Memi Tensed up, there were so many people right around him. Instead of speaking, he reached out and slid one of the cans of Damuisa over to La'tâ . He slowly sat up and closed his sketch book. he wasn't going to be able to get anymore done on it with everyone coming over. It was also a good delaying tactic so he could come up with the right words to use. Writing was so much easier then talking, you had time to think between each word, so that it would be precisely the right one. Talking was far to quick.
"I do not feel, uhh guilt, for my actions. I uhh, feel regret for how my uhh actions, no... umm... Where my actions... uhh came from." He really wished he would have paid more attention to the speech class he had to take at one point of his education.
La'tâ noted the hesitation in his words but let him continue, only nodding and replying a small thank you prior, when he offered her the drink. Once he did finish she gave him a moment to say more if he wanted before replying. "You do not like the side of you that is aggressive and wild?"
With a small twitch to his eye, Memi was a bit put off with how easily La'tâ saw through him. "Yes.. It does bother me. Quite a bit. We are beings at the... uhh edge? No.. Border would be a better word, between beasts and beings of intelligence. Fighting to protect, That is... fine, uhh Noble even. But loosing yourself in it, now that is the issue." Memi paused and thought throw what he was trying to say. It was upsetting that he allowed himself to become an animal. The irony of them being in highly advanced machines, when it happened caused him to lightly chuckle.
The young Tula female nodded in reply and looked down at her drink for a moment before looking up. "Hmm saying we are at the border..that is a poetic way to put it, I like it. But Memi Sar, was that perhaps your first time in live combat?"
"It was... But that doesn't matter, I failed to uphold my Jael's believes, and in turn I failed my Ruoka by doing so and not living up to the path I was sent on." Memi frowned and opened the sketchbook, slowly turning the pages, first a sketch of the Tin-Ta'a giving the oath, then a sketch of the meeting in the temple. Turning the pages there were drawings of almost everyone who were in the temple, each caught in thought or leaning in listening. Lastly there were the two sketches, one of the Stako they had piloted, and then the five of them up getting their awards and praises.
"This is my duty..."
"These are wonderful pictures" Spoke La'tâ as she looked at each one as Memi went through them. "It looks to me as if you still completed your duty." She gives him a soft smile "You also had cameras recording right? I am sure there are some scenes you could only get because you participated." She then pauses a moment and looks him in the eyes, her tone shifting to a bit more serious. "Would you like to know a secret?"
"I record everything, As it is I forgot to bring my recorders here... So I'll have to try to get the feeds from the ship's systems, and try to remember what everything was said." He frowned again, combat was so damned distracting.
"What's that?"
She took a moment herself to think about how to be concise with her words and still make sense with what she was about to say. "I am an Obekâ'a, a retainer. Well at least I will be when I find a master. I was trained to keep a level head and to stay calm at all times. But I could not hold back my fear, my hands were shaking, and I said many things not appropriate for honorable speech. There were even times where I thought about running away, and even now I fear when I will be asked to step out of the ship for combat once more."
With a nod Memi listened, "Fear is fine... Why be upset by it. Did you let it rule you? Like frightened prey?"
"You and I are different there though Memi Sar. Even if your fear consumed you like you say. You fought, your instincts lead you to defeat the threat before you. That makes you much braver than I, who's instincts told me to run, and only stayed because of my reason."
"I tripped fell, panicked and thrashed about." Memi frowned and stuffed his sketch book into his bag and made to stand up and leave.
"Did you try to run away though Memi Sar?"
"I couldn't... but you weren't trapped nor ever in a position that you couldn't get away, and yet you stayed, you didn't fail you stood firm and moved forward."
"You did not fail either, In the end you did not run either, even if you were stuck or trapped, there were plenty of chances when you weren't. No one is expected to be a perfect soldier at the start. I can help you suppress your fear, but the first step is not being ashamed of it."
"but fear wasn't what I was ashamed of... i have read many accounts of warriors in the heat of battle succumbing to fear, it is a fact of existing as intelligent beings. To attempt to safeguard ones life is one of the largest drives a being feels. Over time we have forged that feeling towards the group and the civilization after that. We believe now that sacrificing a limb, or a body of troops to protect the whole is acceptable, as long as the civilization survives. And this is how it should be." Memi didn't realize it but he had started quoting a treaty on combat and philosophy that he had read as a young kid in the great libraries.
"Fear for oneself is still a drive that propels us forward. It is why we bred and set forth the next generation, we feel there is a chance we will go on through them." Memi caught himself now and realized what he was saying. "We... we uhh all feel it, it is as... errr. natural as breathing. It'll... ummm tell you what the animal inside wants... but just because one is frenzy and the other is flight, doesn't make either better, allowing yourself to be.. uuuhhh.. ruled by it, that is failure."
"It is as you said Memi Sar, it tells you what the inside wants." She did not stand up and simply remained seated even now. "My mother or father would probably have more eloquent words to say...But being 'ruled' by emotions like fear is that not a protection for the side of you that is not wild and fierce? I do not think living your life in fear would be appropriate, but to say that it was wrong to be taken in by fear in that situation is to say that you should have been prepared for it. But no one was prepared, no one know we would even encounter defilers, let alone so many. Thanks to that fear taking over, you have come back unharmed and the defilers have been removed." She took a moment to ponder her words and then nodded to herself.
"Maybe the only difference between being ruled by fear and not is whether or not you make use of the fear or if you simply hide from it. And I'm sure next time you will have a better grasp on it."
"Maybe fear is just that, a defiler. The one that we were not ready for. We had the fire power to solve most of anything we would have encountered... but what fire power can you use to inwards?" Memi shook his head as if he was trying to knock something loose in it. "Come by my cabin later I have a scroll for you to study and meditate on..."
La'tâ was a bit taken back by him offering to give her a scroll, she was trying to help him but yet now he was doing something to help her. She did not let the confusion show on her face however. "I would be glad to accept it, I shall visit later than Memi Sar."
Memi smiled and sat back down. he opened the second can of Damuisa and took a sip. "As it is I need to figure out what to do with that damned reward." he rolled his eyes at the idea of it.