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Rejected Submission narr’kikre ‘Boom’ Lmanel for LSDF Akahar
- Thread starter drenica
- Start date
Hi Drenica, I've taken a look at your biography and here are the suggestions I have to offer.
This character is pending approval, it just needs some polish
- Flesh out the personality a little more. What makes Narr'kikre like being with others? What makes him loyal? Are there any other things that influence his thought process aside from his bonding, like his upbringing, education or any interesting events that happened during his life.
Did friends or family try to guide him or did they let him go wild, or did they even run amok together? This could also help flesh out the history a little more too.
- Lmanel is Lmanel when used as a plural.
- What sort of weakness does Narr'kikre dislike, and why? Physical weakness? Cowardice? Structural instability of constructions?
- Under skills, the Combat skill should be renamed Fighting. What particular sorts of weapons are they proficient with? Do they enjoy using certain weapons, like shotguns, submachine guns, revolvers, pistols, knives or knuckle dusters?
- Under his Entertainment skill, what sort of jokes does he like telling and where did he pick up the talent for it? What instruments does he play? It's not as though other characters can read his mind and figure out the three instruments he knows how to play.
- What has he made using the Arts and Vocations skill? Could you give us some examples, like tapestry and embroidery - and what would his artwork depict?
- Also, if he neglects the Arts in favour of shooting things, who would've taken the time to teach him? Maybe his family taught it to him at a young age?
- Under his Entertainment skill, what sort of jokes does he like telling and where did he pick up the talent for it? What instruments does he play? It's not as though other characters can read his mind and figure out the three instruments he knows how to play.
- Inventory looks good. Maybe add a couple of personal items, like baubles or books of some sort.
- There are some typographical and grammar errors throughout the biography.
This character is pending approval, it just needs some polish
SageShooter
🎨 Media Gallery
Only thing is something in the history. Your family section says unknown for parents, yet in your history it says that he knew his parents but drifted further and further away from them.
I would also make mention of what your bonded is. As of right now most of the Lorath beasties are up to the Lamnel players to make up, but there are some made up creatures already. At the same time you can use something very Earth like already if you want. If you have questions about that, as it does play into your shapeshifting, please message either DocTomoe or myself!
Honestly, I have no place to really make any input as I am neither Lorath FM, or the GM for the plot. I just figured I would toss some things in that I saw when looking through his profile.
I would also make mention of what your bonded is. As of right now most of the Lorath beasties are up to the Lamnel players to make up, but there are some made up creatures already. At the same time you can use something very Earth like already if you want. If you have questions about that, as it does play into your shapeshifting, please message either DocTomoe or myself!
Honestly, I have no place to really make any input as I am neither Lorath FM, or the GM for the plot. I just figured I would toss some things in that I saw when looking through his profile.
DocTomoe
Well-Known Member
Let's see here.
I'm going to work my way from the top down. Don't want to seem like a hardass, but, I've got a thing about making sure articles meet up to the admin's expectations for being polished when they're still shiny, new, and readily addressable.
For the name, we need a capitalization for a proper noun, there is also a need for a 'family' name which falls between the monicker and caste. Family name is just the same as a surname, it'd be the name shared within the family unit.
Under build and skin color, there is a statement of "with an athletic build, so strong arms and legs with a well-built torso", drop the 'so', it seems out of place. As SageShooter said as well, a mention of the bonded animal would be handy too.
Couple of typographical errors under the psychological characteristics, just re-read it out loud to yourself, that helps the drafting process when something is spoken, serves to bring attention to where a slip-up would have been made.
As SageShooter noted, the mother and father situation is kind of in need of being addressed. Don't forget to capitalize the names for the siblings, and format the header there with **Siblings:**
Capitalize 'fighting' to 'Fighting' under skills. On the topic of the fighting skill, perhaps flesh it out a bit more, indicate what weaponry is being referred to when referring to 'weaponry', it is kind of vague, and could use some brushing up.
Art and Vocations, some capitalization errors, and indicating that 'he had to have it' comes off kind of awkwardly. Perhaps flesh it out as to why he had to have it.
Knowledge, its pretty solid, though, remember we use the American English spelling here, so armour would be armor.
Biology; this one makes him come off as a sadist in the degree of a troublesome child that likes picking on small animals. Don't know if that's what was being aimed for.
Survival; Flesh out what his training entailed perhaps.
In conclusion; the concept is sound, the execution needs to be polished a little, but that aside, just a few corrections to the things mentioned and you're good to start out.
I'm going to work my way from the top down. Don't want to seem like a hardass, but, I've got a thing about making sure articles meet up to the admin's expectations for being polished when they're still shiny, new, and readily addressable.
For the name, we need a capitalization for a proper noun, there is also a need for a 'family' name which falls between the monicker and caste. Family name is just the same as a surname, it'd be the name shared within the family unit.
Under build and skin color, there is a statement of "with an athletic build, so strong arms and legs with a well-built torso", drop the 'so', it seems out of place. As SageShooter said as well, a mention of the bonded animal would be handy too.
Couple of typographical errors under the psychological characteristics, just re-read it out loud to yourself, that helps the drafting process when something is spoken, serves to bring attention to where a slip-up would have been made.
As SageShooter noted, the mother and father situation is kind of in need of being addressed. Don't forget to capitalize the names for the siblings, and format the header there with **Siblings:**
Capitalize 'fighting' to 'Fighting' under skills. On the topic of the fighting skill, perhaps flesh it out a bit more, indicate what weaponry is being referred to when referring to 'weaponry', it is kind of vague, and could use some brushing up.
Art and Vocations, some capitalization errors, and indicating that 'he had to have it' comes off kind of awkwardly. Perhaps flesh it out as to why he had to have it.
Knowledge, its pretty solid, though, remember we use the American English spelling here, so armour would be armor.
Biology; this one makes him come off as a sadist in the degree of a troublesome child that likes picking on small animals. Don't know if that's what was being aimed for.
Survival; Flesh out what his training entailed perhaps.
In conclusion; the concept is sound, the execution needs to be polished a little, but that aside, just a few corrections to the things mentioned and you're good to start out.
