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Approved Character New Character: Degan Veran, any tips, things I did wrong, id

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Deganveran

Inactive Member
Name: Degan Veran


General Information

Species: Yamatain (Initially Nepelesian, part ID-SOL)
Gender: Male
Age: 20

Family / Creators: ?

Employer: Star Army Of The Yamatai
Occupation: Combat Arms
Rank: Soldier Third Class (santo Hei)
Current Assignment: ?


Physical Characteristics

Height: 5'9
Weight: 136
Measurements:
Bra Size:

Build and Skin Colour: Degan is of classic Yamatain build, a thin, almost whisp like body, not frail yet devoid of any bulging muscles. His skin is somewhat tanned.

Facial Features and Eye Colour: Degan's eyes were blue orbs set deep into his skull. He has a smooth, rounded nose and piercing, yet compassionate eyes. His mouth curves upwards sharply at both sides, imitating either a sincere smile or a sneer depending on how well you knew him.

Hair Colour and Style: Degans hair color is classic auburn, almost amberish in color. It is cut close to prevent from getting in the way of his eye sight, protruding in a even half inch out of his head.

Distinguishing Features: Degan is rather indistinguishable from many other Yamatains, especially those who traded over in soul transfer.


Psychological Characteristics

Personality:
Degan is unlike any other ID SOL in that he has a life outside of war.
Make no mistake, he is no stranger to warfare, but he is no stranger to emotions and sadness and trust, trust in the inherent goodness of all species so he may, one day, no longer need to lift his weapons in defence of principals which should be considered universal.

Degan is also strange for wcwn an partial ID SOL in that he is inquisitive. He is mostly inquisitive about emotions, the purpose of life and human like beings. Degan was highly analytical, always thinking things out and questioning the norm. It seems that he was born this way, his inquisitiveness getting him in trouble a lot as a child. One reason he joined the Yamatain army was to observe the Yamatains and understand how they do things.

Degan had been alone his entire life, living in the brutal, crime filled streets of Nepleslia. Living alone has taught him to be self sufficient, to trust only himself, but it had also taught him a more important lesson, the value of a true friend. Degan regularly talks to random people, especially girls, trying to figure out how to create attraction and familiarity with random people. In a way, he considers it fighting a different type of battle, a battle against himself and his preconcieved ideals of not trusting anyone and talking with only his weaponry. Alas, him being am Nephlesia makes many not trust him so starting a conversation is hard, though Degan does have a general idea on what makes attraction work and plans on getting a girlfriend and experiencing that part of life ASAP.

Degan is a complicated soldier. In the heat of battle he could rage and kill with no remorse, then after cry about the lives he had ended, then he would write a poem, dedicated to his fallen foes while finally refusing to kill a mere insect. "Why would I want to kill a harmless, defenseless creature? What is its crime, existing? If it is so, we are all guilty. Just because we are stronger does not give us the right to kill it, it gives us the responsibility to protect it." Degan seeks to find out more about himself and his creator. As nice as he is, even he cannot deny that there is something in him, something lurking deep inside him, something that whispers to him "Kill, kill for the fun of it. Kill because you can." Degan calls this self his beserker self. He has kept it in check thus far but he does not know if, one day, self control will be enough and the beast within him will take over.

In YE 29 his soul was transferred over to a Yamatain body and a lot has calmed down. He feels his berserker side is gone and he no longer has the scar, though he did take a picture of it before the transfer. Also, because of his new Yamatain body he needed to relearn all his skills from a new perspective. He did not despair, however, for he thought of it as experiencing life all over again but from another perspective.

Likes: Life, making friends, Yamatain girls, the vastness of space, the thousands of possibilities every day brings, the inherent goodness in all species
Dislikes: War, crime, beating on the defenceless,
Goals: To find out what lurks within him, to find the truth of his creation and creator, to live life to its fullest, to do good and live by Bushido


History
Degan was created for a purpose which was never revealed to him so he decided to make his own purpose, to live his life as he see's fit with no regrets. Instead of randomly throwing his life away on some battlefield he decided to live it, to truly live and experience as much of life as possible. Degan had seen ID SOL, living such a limited and pointless life. Degan vowed to never take life, or time, for granted. He wished for a life of traveling, meeting new people and experiencing new things so he could begin making his own rules about life instead of blindly following the crowd.. These desires made him a perfect canidate for the Star Army of Yamatai.

Degan is an anaomily, and enigma, He is an partial ID SOL, genetically created for a specific purpose, a purpose that has failed to make itself evident. All Degan knew was that, unlike his ID SOL brethren, he was free and he did not know why. All other ID SOL's were created, as he was, but their owners had claimed them. He, however, was never claimed. He did not know his maker and the only clue he had was something carved in his skin, the initials C.C.

Degan grew up on the streets of Nepleslia, living off any honest work he could find which usually left him poor and starving. He knew he needed to leave. He didn't agree with the government, the gangs or the crime lords, and that kind of thinking meant 99% of all Nepleslia disagreed with you. Nepleslia's weren't known for settling disagreements with their words. In YE 26 Degan had snuck aboard a ship after he saw the Star Army using their strength to defend life at the battle of Neplesia. He thought this the perfect opportunity to set out and experience life and possibly find out more about his creator and the reason for his being.

He was an intelligent Nephlian, his mind questioned everything. If he could not find an answer to something it bugged him. He was captured and imprisoned, however he went along peacefully and made no attempt to escape. He also never blamed his captors for being suspicious. Eventually he was trusted and allowed to train as a soldier in the Star army.

During his training he ran across a book detailing the combat philosophy of Bushido. Degan has a strict code of honor. Among his core values are: Always protect those who cannot protect themselves, sacrifice for what is right and deserving, fight to end war, not to continue it, and above all, be loyal to those who have earned your loyalty.

For four years he was in the army, training, always training his mind and his body and his personality. By this time he had made some friends, had some experiences but it never really fulfilled him. He had an irresistible want to find out about all different sorts of people and beings. Beings, humans especially, intrigued him. He loved finding out more about them and what makes them tick as a way to know more about himself.

Skills

Communication: Degan is familiar with basic radio operation and procedures and can make transmissions to and receive transmissions from other characters through headsets, starships, power armor, and shuttles in both combat and non-combat conditions. Your character is fluent in English.He can speak and write both correctly and efficiently and can write reports, fill forms, issue orders under fire, etc. Degan was taught this as basic training for the Star army, however, he expanded communication to mean, quite literally, how one talks and interacts with another.

Fighting: Degan received hand-to-hand combat training, followed up with a rigorous training program. He is skilled and experienced in combat both in Yamatai-like conditions and in zero-gravity, with and without weapons. Weapons she is trained in include energy pistols, knives, and power armor.

Technology Operation: : Degan is capable of operating any computer system that uses the Kessaku OS, found on all Star Army starships. He is proficient in entering and/or searching for information.

Mathematics: : Degan received basic mathematics training, to including up to algebra and trigonometry.

Humanities (psychology): As an outsider, Degan has studied the humanities as a way to get in touch with his inner human. He has focuses on psychology/ Armed with such knowledge he uses it to make friends, try to get enemies to surrender without fighting and to hit on girls. He practices these "social arts" at all times and can be seen striking up random conversations with random people. Degan has trained his body language to be as non threatening as possible to compensate for his races reputation and his build. He has also trained his voice to be soft and reassuring, fluid and even.

Rogue (Seduction): As part of his social research he has studied attraction and how to create it, working on somewhat of a system based on the psychology that a woman's attraction is value based, not look's based. Therefore Degan has studied on how to convey his value subtly, without bragging by use of story telling, body language, how he conducts himself, confidence and conversational prowess.
Entertainment (storytelling): In a way to broaden his horizons he has learned the art of the entertainer, using his story telling skills to convey value to girls and to inspire his friends or just make them laugh.
 
Santo Hei is like soldier third class, it's basically the lowest rank. In SARP you cannot just start with a high ranking character, you've gotta have your character rise through the ranks.
 
Re: New Character: Degan Veran, any tips, things I did wrong?

Ok, got you guys. Anything else wrong with my character? Things I need to fix?
 
... Let's start from the beginning.

1. Contact info: You need to paste it in this thread here.

2. Race: You're a rookie, so you cannot be pure-blooded ID-SOL. That's too much power for you, and it sets a bad precedent, one that we actively avoid here at the SARP.

After reading the personality, I think there is a possibility that you could handle being a partial ID-SOL, and not set any bad precedents for the character.

3. Age: He's too young. He needs to be 18 or older.

4. Family/creators: Does he have parents? Relatives? Is he a clone? If so, of who?

5. Employer: Star Army of Yamatai would go here, or Star Army of Nepleslia.

6. Occupation: You're a rookie, so you are a bottom-rung soldier (Santo Hei or Third Class Soldier for Yamatai or Nepleslia, respectively).

7. Height and Weight will be smaller, obviously, when you're not an ID-SOL.

8. No heterochromatic eyes. It's cliche and it's pointless. If you want to make him different, think mental, not physical.

9. Scar in his chest FROM BIRTH? That would heal over much better, and possibly not leave a scar at all. Regardless, who is C.C. and how do you plan to introduce the element in the RP?

10. Throw some returns in the personality, please.

a. Because you cannot be an ID-SOL, the personality might change slightly, as you seem to base it on the contradiction seemingly inherent in an ID-SOL. Mostly, though, the personality's just too long -- longer than your history, which should be the longest part of all. Might want to modify that some; remove some of the history bits and talk more about the personality.

b. The personality also doesn't explain as much as it shows examples. It talks about him wanting to travel, to meet new people, to experience things. To live life as he sees fit. But it doesn't say WHY. He's inquisitive about emotions, but it doesn't say WHY. He can cry after killing so much, but it doesn't say WHY.

The why is what you need to explain. Examples are what's cluttering the personality -- trim those and say why he feels the way he does. That would explain things more clearly, which you'll want if you refer back to the bio occasionally to assure you're playing the character true to how you crafted him. It will also make it less reliant on being ID-SOL.

11. Timing is important here with the history. If he joins right up at 18 (your character should probably be older anyway), he'll be in the SA of Nepleslia, not Yamatai. He'd have to join Yamatai in YE 26, which means he'd have to be 18 by then, and he'd have to do something for YE 29, as he'd've been kicked out of the SAoY during that year because of the Species Restriction Act.

Skills:

12. Delete all that stuff after the boilerplate text ( ... power armor) in Fighting. It's not necessary.

13. Delete three of the five Humanities subskills. There's too many there; it's unfairly multiplying the skill's power.

14. Delete Leadership. As a lower-class soldier, you can't have it.

15. Delete all but one of the Entertainment skills. It's unfairly multiplying the skill's power.

Overall: You're relying too heavily on being ID-SOL. I like the concept, but I just can't let you go that way.

You've obviously got some writing prowess, and that's really the best part. Now that you have some restrictions to work with, your character can fit better with the SARP.

I know it seems like a lot, but don't give up. You can do this.

This character is pending. Please address or complete the list of edits above.
 
Doshii Jun said:
... Let's start from the beginning.

1. Contact info: You need to paste it in this thread here.

2. Race: You're a rookie, so you cannot be pure-blooded ID-SOL. That's too much power for you, and it sets a bad precedent, one that we actively avoid here at the SARP.

After reading the personality, I think there is a possibility that you could handle being a partial ID-SOL, and not set any bad precedents for the character.

3. Age: He's too young. He needs to be 18 or older.

4. Family/creators: Does he have parents? Relatives? Is he a clone? If so, of who?

5. Employer: Star Army of Yamatai would go here, or Star Army of Nepleslia.

6. Occupation: You're a rookie, so you are a bottom-rung soldier (Santo Hei or Third Class Soldier for Yamatai or Nepleslia, respectively).

7. Height and Weight will be smaller, obviously, when you're not an ID-SOL.

8. No heterochromatic eyes. It's cliche and it's pointless. If you want to make him different, think mental, not physical.

9. Scar in his chest FROM BIRTH? That would heal over much better, and possibly not leave a scar at all. Regardless, who is C.C. and how do you plan to introduce the element in the RP?

10. Throw some returns in the personality, please.

a. Because you cannot be an ID-SOL, the personality might change slightly, as you seem to base it on the contradiction seemingly inherent in an ID-SOL. Mostly, though, the personality's just too long -- longer than your history, which should be the longest part of all. Might want to modify that some; remove some of the history bits and talk more about the personality.

b. The personality also doesn't explain as much as it shows examples. It talks about him wanting to travel, to meet new people, to experience things. To live life as he sees fit. But it doesn't say WHY. He's inquisitive about emotions, but it doesn't say WHY. He can cry after killing so much, but it doesn't say WHY.

The why is what you need to explain. Examples are what's cluttering the personality -- trim those and say why he feels the way he does. That would explain things more clearly, which you'll want if you refer back to the bio occasionally to assure you're playing the character true to how you crafted him. It will also make it less reliant on being ID-SOL.

11. Timing is important here with the history. If he joins right up at 18 (your character should probably be older anyway), he'll be in the SA of Nepleslia, not Yamatai. He'd have to join Yamatai in YE 26, which means he'd have to be 18 by then, and he'd have to do something for YE 29, as he'd've been kicked out of the SAoY during that year because of the Species Restriction Act.

Skills:

12. Delete all that stuff after the boilerplate text ( ... power armor) in Fighting. It's not necessary.

13. Delete three of the five Humanities subskills. There's too many there; it's unfairly multiplying the skill's power.

14. Delete Leadership. As a lower-class soldier, you can't have it.

15. Delete all but one of the Entertainment skills. It's unfairly multiplying the skill's power.

Overall: You're relying too heavily on being ID-SOL. I like the concept, but I just can't let you go that way.

You've obviously got some writing prowess, and that's really the best part. Now that you have some restrictions to work with, your character can fit better with the SARP.

I know it seems like a lot, but don't give up. You can do this.

This character is pending. Please address or complete the list of edits above.
Click to expand...

What would be a partial ID SOL and what age would he need to be to have joined the Yamatai army? Also, in what ways would I have to change his bio to fit this? If he is a partial ID SOL is he still a clone or must he be a natural born? What does throwing a return in the personality mean? And what do you mean remove some history bits and talk more personality? I thought the history was supposed to be the longest.

As for the scar he was not sure when he got it as he does not remember his childhood at all. All he knows it that ever since he could remember he had that scar on his chest. If it turns out that, by needing to become part ID SOL that he needs to be a natural born I will rework this to show why he was alone, how he survived as a child with no one to care for him and what C.C. is. If he is a clone that part of his history could be hidden, even from himself, which gives him reason to search and find out just what he was made for. As for C.C., if he was a clone I was going to put in an application for a new orginization called the Chaos Cult, an losely tied organization on aranchistic freespacers who, utilizing the black market, seek to undermine governement by the use of pure chaos. They would be considered a disruptive terrorist sect. That is why Degan was cloned to be different from everyone else on Nephelia, thats why he has a berserker side and most importantly, unbenknownst to Degan, he has a control chip in his brain that the CC can use to control his actions for short periods of time.
 
A partial ID-SOL is more or less a normal Nepleslian at this point. Most Nepleslian men have at least a very tiny ID-SOL in them; in the old days of SARP, it was that genetic code that was believed to create a super-Y chromosome that blocked females from being born and eventually leading Nepleslia into a state of near-total male population.

OOCly we as a community eventually decided that sucked, so now we've got females again. Which is nice.

So yeah -- you'd basically be a normal human, little on the tall and bulky side.

You could be natural born, or you could be a clone. It's up to you how you want to write the history.

"Throwing returns" means put some returns into the text, to break it up. Like how I do it, so it's not a large wall of text.

I should clarify -- I meant take some of the history bits out of the personality and put them in the history. Your personality was longer than your history.

Your "Chaos Cult" submission ... just delete that part. I know that really harms the character in a way, and I'm sorry for that, but please view it from our perspective:

You're a new player and you're already making a potentially plot-altering submission that is expressly tied to your character and no one else's. It makes your character really special, and frankly, your character isn't. The role play will make him special. Interaction with other characters, with other players, with other setting elements.
 
Ok, fixed the things you mentioned.

The C.C. I think will stay but I will change what it means. I think, instead it could be a crime family name from Nephlesia or maybe, would you accept, a singular freeborn creating him for the purpose of chaos?
 
* ... having thought about it for a bit*

What is the purpose of the "C.C." Not what it means, but what you're using it for in terms of this character. Do you really need it? Why? What is it ultimately for? To make your character special, or something else? If something else, what? And why Yamatai?

Mind you, this will determine whether it passes or not. You're asking to create a character based on a setting element that not only doesn't exist, but an element that's quite possibly going to be non-existent very soon, as Nepleslia's recently changed its government to purge the unwanted criminal and corruptive elements. That's assuming your setting element's approved at all.
 
Doshii Jun said:
* ... having thought about it for a bit*

What is the purpose of the "C.C." Not what it means, but what you're using it for in terms of this character. Do you really need it? Why? What is it ultimately for? To make your character special, or something else? If something else, what? And why Yamatai?

Mind you, this will determine whether it passes or not. You're asking to create a character based on a setting element that not only doesn't exist, but an element that's quite possibly going to be non-existent very soon, as Nepleslia's recently changed its government to purge the unwanted criminal and corruptive elements. That's assuming your setting element's approved at all.
Click to expand...

The purpose of C.C. is representitive of Degans search for himself and his humanity as he sees it. As it stands Degan is a drifter character, devoid of any social interaction, companionship or help in anyway way. Thats the reason he overcompensates by studying human psychology ands seduction and interaction. He desperately wishes to be human and even though he has decided to live his own life there is a longing, in all of us, to know where to come from if for nothing else then to know the potentiality of what we could have become, had circumstances been different. Here is a man with no recollection of what he was or why he is here, it is his existential quest to figure that out. This lack of knowledge, however, leaves him with less biases and hate towards certain groups because all; his life he has made his own choices and had the ability to see, first hand, what the world was about instead of having an arbitary set of rules imposed upon him by a parental figure.

In game terms the C.C. is what he plans to figure out, to seek out his reason for creation, why he feels he has something inside of him that thirsts for the blood of innocents. Its his only link to his heritage and his childhood that he wishes to find out, the mystery of his life that has been his overwhelming concearn.

And he chose Yamatai because he believes in the code of Bushido and honor and has seen them do more for the protection of innocents then any other army. Besides, the Yamataian's are most like the humans that intrest Degan so much. He wishes to immerse himself in their culture and learn what they have learned, fighting for his ideals, ideals he believes would be closer matched by joining the star army of the Yamatai then the army of Nephelsia.
 
... Degan wouldn't be a drifter character by the time you get to YE 30.

By then he's been in the military for at least ... what, three, four years? Meaning he'd've been 18 when he joined, and would be 21 or 22. He's already close to being half way through his term of service (though he could leave whenever he wanted, technically, if he bought out his other years).

He should've made friends. He should've learned some things.

*scratches his head* I don't want to be an asshole here, but you sound like you want to figure out a whole lotta headgames for your character. You don't need the Chaos Cult or any other plot device like that (especially one that needs approval) to have all these headgames.

Does he know who gave birth to him, if anyone? It sounds like he doesn't, so he can eventually go and find out why he exists in the universe and what he's meant to do.

This is especially true because if he wanted to stay in the service for Year of the Empire (YE) 29, he would've had to Soul Transfer.

No more lusting for the blood of innocents. His new Yamataian body would take care of that.

If he didn't Soul Transfer, he would have had a year to kick around Yamatai doing I don't know what. But he doesn't seem the type to leave.

I'm sorry if this sounds like a whole lot for very little ... but this is why complex characters are discouraged your first time around. Please work around not having the C.C. being any kind of approvable entity; it can be a parent or single person, if you want, but nothing more.
 
Doshii Jun said:
... Degan wouldn't be a drifter character by the time you get to YE 30.

By then he's been in the military for at least ... what, three, four years? Meaning he'd've been 18 when he joined, and would be 21 or 22. He's already close to being half way through his term of service (though he could leave whenever he wanted, technically, if he bought out his other years).

He should've made friends. He should've learned some things.

*scratches his head* I don't want to be an asshole here, but you sound like you want to figure out a whole lotta headgames for your character. You don't need the Chaos Cult or any other plot device like that (especially one that needs approval) to have all these headgames.

Does he know who gave birth to him, if anyone? It sounds like he doesn't, so he can eventually go and find out why he exists in the universe and what he's meant to do.

This is especially true because if he wanted to stay in the service for Year of the Empire (YE) 29, he would've had to Soul Transfer.

No more lusting for the blood of innocents. His new Yamataian body would take care of that.

If he didn't Soul Transfer, he would have had a year to kick around Yamatai doing I don't know what. But he doesn't seem the type to leave.

I'm sorry if this sounds like a whole lot for very little ... but this is why complex characters are discouraged your first time around. Please work around not having the C.C. being any kind of approvable entity; it can be a parent or single person, if you want, but nothing more.
Click to expand...


Yeah Im sorry about that, its just seven years of history thats kinda hard for me to 100% catch up on but I understand what your saying.

The CC can be a family thing and for the soul transfer he can carve the CC back into his body as a way of remembering. He would definately stay and Ill update my bio to refelct that he has been in the service for a few years. Does the soul transfer mean he is no longer a part ID SOL? Now he is in a Yamatain body?
 
This character is approved for IC usage. Please add the bio to the wiki and file orders in the thread of your faction, so you can join a plotship.
 
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