Hi! I read over the bio (because after reading the conversation in the thread, it sounded interesting) and found mostly format stuff. Given that Doshii was ready to give his approval, I don't think any of this is essential aside from ease-of-reading...but here it is, if you want to use it!
If anything isn't clear, feel free to ask for clarification or let me know if I misunderstood something.
Here goes...
- You still have a stray backslash in your Height. Also, most people have the second unit measurement set in parenthesis for sake of distinguishing the two from each other. Example:
6'0" (182cm)
or
182cm (6 foot)
You don't need to do this, but it does make it easier to read. At first, I read yours as "he is six feet and one hundred eighty-two centimeters".
- Weight: 195...ounces? Kilograms? Stones?
- "Five o'clock shadow". Or, if you want to keep the number, "5 o'clock shadow".
Trivia! The term "o'clock" is a contraction for "of the clock" (Why they said
"five of the clock" is one of the quirks of old modes of speaking I guess) and the apostrophe stands in for the "f" in "of", similar to how "it's" means "it is" and has an apostrophe for the "i" in "is". Meanwhile, "the" is completely omitted.
- In
Distinguishing Characteristics:
Riko Bors on Star Army Space Roleplay said:
Arms and torso are covered with tattoos, all are tribal or militaristic in design,Boars also has cybernetic implants in his hands which are covred by fingerless gloves.
The comma after "design" either needs a space between it and "Boars" (which should be "Bors"?), or it can become a period since you start a new thought with "Boars". Also, "covred" is misspelled.
- "Tobacco-less" is a hyphenated word. I am assuming you mean water vapors...though methane is possible (and probably less pleasant!) : ) Also, the following can be its own sentence: "If given the opportunity, though, he will take a real one whenever he can."
- Read the sentence starting with "Even though he dislikes people" out loud. Find the missing words and fill them in.
- You seem a little comma-eager in the Pre-RP history, among other small things. That section is a little long for me to proof here, but with your permission I would be happy to go over it.
- In
Fighting: "Competent".
- It sounds as though he would be able to use one or more Nepleslian operating systems too. Could be helpful to note this in
Technology Operation.
- Keep an eye on those commas. In his
Vehicle skill, you start missing spaces between commas and the items following them.
Riko Bors on Star Army Space Roleplay said:
Bors can drive,pilot,or hotwire if the case may be [...]
- He can read maps (plural?) and use camouflage (dropped a "u").
- Doubled the number of "m"s in "amount"; dropped an apostrophe in "he's" ("he is").
I'll leave your OOC Discussion notes alone since those are not essential to the bio.
Overall, I would say he is described rather well and his story is a reasonable explanation for how he got to where he is now, which is the most we ask out of anyone starting out here. His personality and habits promise some interesting interactions with his crewmates and fellow soldiers...and the other mods have given their okay, so it sounds like you're set!
Welcome to the Star Army, soldier!
