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https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=ch ... n_buchanan
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=ch ... n_buchanan
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Approved Character New Character
- Thread starter Cirnech
- Start date
Welcome to the SARP, let me take a look at your character.
First, the species is Yamataian, not Yamatai
Physical appearance
Aidan is a tall, slender man; looking more emaciated than he really his. Wiry muscles give him look with rolling shoulders and good leverage.
his should be is.
Not to sure that a military person would be "typically poorly shaven"
Typo
maintanance should be maintenance
What color are his eyes?
What color is his hair?
Missing "Distinguishing Features:" section.
Personality
Typo
cursury should be cursory
condecending should be condescending
History
Is a bit sparce, this information is needed for the Game Master so it should provide details. The fact that he doesn't talk much about it, should probably be put in his personality section. It would help clarify his introverted nature.
Family needs to be indicated, at least their names, what did his parents do, and why did he have to go to work at 14? Also should probably state what his race was when he was born.
example:
Tobias Buchanan (Father) - Deceased
Mariah Buchanan (Mother) - Deceased
Who is this uncle?
Also typos,
Amoung should be Among
Yamatai as indicated above the species is Yamataian
Coersion should be Coercion
Skills
Please review the Necessary skills for soldiers in the Stary Army of Yamatai
The skill descriptions are used by the Game Master to know what your character can and can't do, what they excel at and what they manage to just do. After putting the necessary skills please decide what extras you want and put a bit more meat into them.
Inventory
You need to go through and remove the items from it that are not appropriate for your character gender.
Finances
Lastly
She receives a weekly salary of -salary- per week.
Should be
He receives a weekly salary of 50KS per week.
Please take care of the indicated items, and then update this thread so the review can resume.
This character is still pending approval
First, the species is Yamataian, not Yamatai
Physical appearance
Aidan is a tall, slender man; looking more emaciated than he really his. Wiry muscles give him look with rolling shoulders and good leverage.
his should be is.
Not to sure that a military person would be "typically poorly shaven"
Typo
maintanance should be maintenance
What color are his eyes?
What color is his hair?
Missing "Distinguishing Features:" section.
Personality
Typo
cursury should be cursory
condecending should be condescending
History
Is a bit sparce, this information is needed for the Game Master so it should provide details. The fact that he doesn't talk much about it, should probably be put in his personality section. It would help clarify his introverted nature.
Family needs to be indicated, at least their names, what did his parents do, and why did he have to go to work at 14? Also should probably state what his race was when he was born.
example:
Tobias Buchanan (Father) - Deceased
Mariah Buchanan (Mother) - Deceased
Who is this uncle?
Also typos,
Amoung should be Among
Yamatai as indicated above the species is Yamataian
Coersion should be Coercion
Skills
Please review the Necessary skills for soldiers in the Stary Army of Yamatai
The skill descriptions are used by the Game Master to know what your character can and can't do, what they excel at and what they manage to just do. After putting the necessary skills please decide what extras you want and put a bit more meat into them.
Inventory
You need to go through and remove the items from it that are not appropriate for your character gender.
Finances
Lastly
She receives a weekly salary of -salary- per week.
Should be
He receives a weekly salary of 50KS per week.
Please take care of the indicated items, and then update this thread so the review can resume.
This character is still pending approval
Looking much better, I put a few wiki-links in the top of the form for you.
There is still one problem in the skills, you are missing a required SAoY skill
Fighting: Your character received hand-to-hand combat training, followed up with a rigorous training program. She is skilled and experienced in combat both in Yamatai-like conditions and in zero-gravity, with and without weapons. Weapons she is trained in include energy pistols, knives, and power armor.
I would suggest replacing the Knowledge skill with this. Fix this issue and you'll be good to go.
This character is still pending, approval.
There is still one problem in the skills, you are missing a required SAoY skill
Fighting: Your character received hand-to-hand combat training, followed up with a rigorous training program. She is skilled and experienced in combat both in Yamatai-like conditions and in zero-gravity, with and without weapons. Weapons she is trained in include energy pistols, knives, and power armor.
I would suggest replacing the Knowledge skill with this. Fix this issue and you'll be good to go.
This character is still pending, approval.
