By Dirk Piven
Health Reporter, Notably Possible News
Cybershark celebrity Rex Finbar has died of complications after catastrophic heart failure and organ shutdown. Whales did it.
The star of such films as "Titties for Sharkenstein" and "Jetpack Shark Fights Fascist Fatcats: Goddamned Hero" has died at the tender age of six, sources from the Prime City coroner's office report, from multiple coronary blockages said to be impossible due to the nature of his shark physiology. He is remembered for his meteoric rise to fame following our coverage of his hunger strike against the banning of whale meat, pro-military and pro-fishing advocacy and brief but critically-acclaimed acting career as a star of action and comedy movies.
He is survived by his widow and former legal guardian, Elle P. Rana, and approximately eighty children fathered illegitimately with the large female shark population released into the oceans of Nepleslia Prime by fans of the former icon, called 'Finbarites'. It is suspected that he has irrevocably altered the genetic makeup of the current shark population through his dalliances, leading some in the "Fuck Whales" Lobby to suspect that his descendants will go on to become a race of physically superior, intelligent super-sharks who will break free from the grip of their human masters, travel into space and wreak bloody revenge on all members of the order cetecea.
His widow Elle and close friends of the family were described as "heartbroken".
His will has left approximately half of his seventeen million and-a-half DA fortune to his widow, while the remainder will be donated to the 'The Sea Killed Yo Daddy' educational fund for the children of deceased fishermen, many of whom have been killed by mighty whales of a pale coloration and peculiar talents in the fields of chemistry.
Although an autopsy has yet to be performed, many believe whales were responsible for his death.
"The particular properties of his shark circulatory system makes it impossible for him to experience a blockage of any major blood vessels, clots and hardening of the arteries," says Cat Hangtree, former personal physician to Finbar. "It's..." "...much..." "...more..." "...likely..." ...poison?" "Possible," he later said in approximately the order described, edited for the convenience of our readers.
Industry experts have corroborated these claims, suggesting the possibility of aid from foreign officials to the whale population may have included weapons and other equipments by which to carry out an assassination.
Captain Ivan Kremenik, known to some as the 'grandfather of the Whaling Renaissance', stated he "will find the bloody huge whale that did this, even if it kills me whole crew." In a recent interview with NPN about the possibility of the whales having foreign benefactors, he stated: "...this whole think stinks and you know where there's stinky fish, there's cats lickin' em."
The autotopsy will be conducted tomorrow in the morning, granting the grieving Finbarites and much of Nepleslia at large (including the staff at this outlet) some closure when the foul conspiracy to destroy a Nepleslian cultural icon is finally exposed.
An open-casket, burning ship funeral will be held in two weeks in the Southeastern Marina of Prime City at 07:30 PM.
Bring your guns.
More on This Story
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Health Reporter, Notably Possible News
Cybershark celebrity Rex Finbar has died of complications after catastrophic heart failure and organ shutdown. Whales did it.
The star of such films as "Titties for Sharkenstein" and "Jetpack Shark Fights Fascist Fatcats: Goddamned Hero" has died at the tender age of six, sources from the Prime City coroner's office report, from multiple coronary blockages said to be impossible due to the nature of his shark physiology. He is remembered for his meteoric rise to fame following our coverage of his hunger strike against the banning of whale meat, pro-military and pro-fishing advocacy and brief but critically-acclaimed acting career as a star of action and comedy movies.
He is survived by his widow and former legal guardian, Elle P. Rana, and approximately eighty children fathered illegitimately with the large female shark population released into the oceans of Nepleslia Prime by fans of the former icon, called 'Finbarites'. It is suspected that he has irrevocably altered the genetic makeup of the current shark population through his dalliances, leading some in the "Fuck Whales" Lobby to suspect that his descendants will go on to become a race of physically superior, intelligent super-sharks who will break free from the grip of their human masters, travel into space and wreak bloody revenge on all members of the order cetecea.
His widow Elle and close friends of the family were described as "heartbroken".
His will has left approximately half of his seventeen million and-a-half DA fortune to his widow, while the remainder will be donated to the 'The Sea Killed Yo Daddy' educational fund for the children of deceased fishermen, many of whom have been killed by mighty whales of a pale coloration and peculiar talents in the fields of chemistry.
Although an autopsy has yet to be performed, many believe whales were responsible for his death.
"The particular properties of his shark circulatory system makes it impossible for him to experience a blockage of any major blood vessels, clots and hardening of the arteries," says Cat Hangtree, former personal physician to Finbar. "It's..." "...much..." "...more..." "...likely..." ...poison?" "Possible," he later said in approximately the order described, edited for the convenience of our readers.
Industry experts have corroborated these claims, suggesting the possibility of aid from foreign officials to the whale population may have included weapons and other equipments by which to carry out an assassination.
Captain Ivan Kremenik, known to some as the 'grandfather of the Whaling Renaissance', stated he "will find the bloody huge whale that did this, even if it kills me whole crew." In a recent interview with NPN about the possibility of the whales having foreign benefactors, he stated: "...this whole think stinks and you know where there's stinky fish, there's cats lickin' em."
The autotopsy will be conducted tomorrow in the morning, granting the grieving Finbarites and much of Nepleslia at large (including the staff at this outlet) some closure when the foul conspiracy to destroy a Nepleslian cultural icon is finally exposed.
An open-casket, burning ship funeral will be held in two weeks in the Southeastern Marina of Prime City at 07:30 PM.
Bring your guns.
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