espatier
Inactive Member
Character Article URL: https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=characters:yamatai:alonzo_scott
Preferred Plot's GM:
Preferred Plot's GM:
Last edited:
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Rejected Character [P3C Nepleslia] Scott, Alonzo
- Thread starter espatier
- Start date
Okay, for the history, since he is 19, he was probably born in YE 17.
Here's some events that have happened during his lifetime that may have affected him:
Here's some events that have happened during his lifetime that may have affected him:
- The Fourth Elysian War, fought between Elysia and Yamatai, began in YE 23 and lasted until YE 25. During the war, the capital of Yamatai was destroyed. If his dad was in the Star Army, he probably would have seen action during this time.
- There was a rebellion by the Qel'noran in YE 26. Alonzo would have been around 9.
- In YE 26, the Mishhuvurthyar start the First Mishhuvurthyar War with the Battle of Nepleslia. Mishhuvurthyar ground forces actually invade, albeit briefly.
- In YE 28, the Yamatai Star Empire was basically split in half when Nepleslia broke away in a revolution. He would have been around 11 at the time.
- In YE 29, natural humans were restricted by the Star Army of Yamatai, resulting in a lot of them leaving the military.
- In YE 29, the Taiie star system is destroyed by the NMX.
- In YE 30, the Nepleslian Star Empire reforms into Democratic Imperium of Nepleslia. The Star Army of Nepleslia also changes into the Star Military of the Democratic Imperium of Nepleslia. Alonzo is 13.
- The Nepleslian Colonial Expanse begins in YE 30
- Also, the Kennewes Offensive ends, with SMoDIN forces victorious over the "Reds" cultural group, whose survivors mostly emigrate to Yamatai.
- In YE 32:
- Battle of Minyas (Nepleslian 4th Fleet vs NMX)
- Invasion of Rok'Veru by NMX forces.
- Nepleslian Senate bombed by NMX
- In YE 33, the tide of the Seond Mishhuvurthyar War is turned at the Battle of Yamatai
- YE 34: The Rok'Veru Offensive happens. Meanwhile, Yamatai finished the Second Mishhuvurthyar War with a direct assault on NMX headquarters.
- YE 35: Alonzo turned 18 and joined the NSMC, just in time to miss the big action, and instead ends up doing mop-up operations.
- YE 36: Present day. Yamatai, Nepleslia, and the Lorath sign a defense treaty and start talking about joint forces. Some officer exchange programs start happening.
Aendri
Inactive Member
Well, I'll just list off of few things right off the bat that jump out.
First, if he's in the SMDIoN, he can't be in the plots you have listed as preferred. He'd be in an actual Nepleslian plot. Possibly an ex-marine, but an active marine wouldn't be in the three you have listed.
Also, please list all of the measurements in both imperial and metric. Since we're international, we try and keep both available when we can. You need to specify the measurements (feet, inches, cm, lbs, so on) as well.
On physical, you're going to need a lot more. Preferably 1 sentence for each part that needs describing, such as hair, eyes, build, skin color, and so on. Your goal is to get detailed enough we could hand the article to an artist, and they could draw something rather close to your mental image. The more detail the better, we'll almost never get on you for having written TOO much in the profile.
The personality needs some work too. The dislikes should all go in the line meant specifically for that, and the rest just needs to be expanded. What's his driving force? Does he take the lead? How does he respond to various stimuli? You don't need to go into a TON of detail, but a 5-6 line paragraph is usually much better to work with. Even if you don't need it, it helps the rest of us to get a feel for the character.
You should also expand on his goals. How much money? Why does he want to get it? Is that the only goal in his life?
I'll go ahead and leave off there for now. Like I said, feel free to ask questions. We're here to help. If you pop into the IRC, I can even answer your questions real time.
First, if he's in the SMDIoN, he can't be in the plots you have listed as preferred. He'd be in an actual Nepleslian plot. Possibly an ex-marine, but an active marine wouldn't be in the three you have listed.
Also, please list all of the measurements in both imperial and metric. Since we're international, we try and keep both available when we can. You need to specify the measurements (feet, inches, cm, lbs, so on) as well.
On physical, you're going to need a lot more. Preferably 1 sentence for each part that needs describing, such as hair, eyes, build, skin color, and so on. Your goal is to get detailed enough we could hand the article to an artist, and they could draw something rather close to your mental image. The more detail the better, we'll almost never get on you for having written TOO much in the profile.
The personality needs some work too. The dislikes should all go in the line meant specifically for that, and the rest just needs to be expanded. What's his driving force? Does he take the lead? How does he respond to various stimuli? You don't need to go into a TON of detail, but a 5-6 line paragraph is usually much better to work with. Even if you don't need it, it helps the rest of us to get a feel for the character.
You should also expand on his goals. How much money? Why does he want to get it? Is that the only goal in his life?
I'll go ahead and leave off there for now. Like I said, feel free to ask questions. We're here to help. If you pop into the IRC, I can even answer your questions real time.
Aendri
Inactive Member
I think you may have misunderstood what Wes meant with his post about history. What he posted wasn't a history, it was a list of events that possibly impacted on his life. Here's an example, it's one of my characters. You're basically writing a short, summary style biography of their life up to this point. Doesn't have to be anything incredibly complex or in depth, but at least an overview.
For the rest of it...
Facial features need to be reworked. Earth has been lost for a LONG time in this setting, there are no Cherokee, or Negros. Describe it, don't just list off stuff for people to look up. That part's also in the wrong spot, should be in the same part as the eyes.
You can just eliminate the ears section, if there's nothing out of the ordinary to be noted. That's mainly there since some species have non-human ears.
On the hair, when you say crew cut... Do you mean like this, or more of the traditional enlisted high and tight?
You need to describe the tattoos, if they're a major distinguishing feature. Where are they on his body? What are they tattoos of? I have a couple characters with tattoos, and it really helps to actually know what it is.
The measurements still need clarification in several spots. 220 what? lbs? And you should clarify inches or feet, non-Americans might not realize what the symbol stands for, where in or ft is clearer.
A couple things just pulled off of the character card up top. You might want to just make him Nepleslian, rather than saying human. Pure humans are a tiny chunk of the population of the setting, and Nepleslians are just slightly genetically weird humans. You also wouldn't be a full doctor, the way he's written. Doctors would be higher ranking, and probably only have been selected if they had prior education, or had already shown an aptitude as a medic. He could be a normal field medic at that rank, though, if that fits what you're going for. And last part from the card, go ahead and add the multiple measurements up there, too, with the previously mentioned edits. Should list both sets in every location either is listed.
Personality still needs some expansion. We're trying to get a feel for him as a person, here, and I just don't get much from things as they're written right now. The biggest thing, stop describing how others may find him, and describe HIM. Let us describe how we see him once he's in the RP, for now, you just describe him from an internal perspective. It also seems like the motivations section may have been cut off.
The family still needs to be filled in a bit more. At least an age, living or dead... the bare bones is enough. Most of the details can be filled in as part of the history, rather than a separate thing.
Under the skills, there are a couple of things. First, under fighting, a lot of the early part of it should be under a Physical skill, instead of fighting. Workouts, that kind of stuff.
Also, you have several skills that would fall under a single category, and aren't included in our skills system individually. This is the full list of skills for SARP. Several would just fall into that Medical and science category, though you can feel free to differentiate them a bit within that category, like I've done in one of my characters with her Maintenance and Repair skill. The big thing is just that you need to make sure you're including the information in the Nepleslian boilerplate skills, because everything listed there is a requirement for every soldier. You can paraphrase a bit, but everything is needed. It's also better to describe what he learned in sentence form, instead of lists. Again, this is all so a GM can get a feel for your character, a dry list of everything doesn't really mean much. Just try to avoid copypasting the description of training like you have, and put what he's capable of in your own words. Heck, maybe he's really good at some specific parts, but can't stand others. Everyone has their quirks.
I tweaked up the inventory a bit, but you still need to decide on (and edit to reflect) some of your options, like your issued swimwear, your rifle, and so on.
Good progress, but you still need some work. Keep goin', you're getting there.
For the rest of it...
Facial features need to be reworked. Earth has been lost for a LONG time in this setting, there are no Cherokee, or Negros. Describe it, don't just list off stuff for people to look up. That part's also in the wrong spot, should be in the same part as the eyes.
You can just eliminate the ears section, if there's nothing out of the ordinary to be noted. That's mainly there since some species have non-human ears.
On the hair, when you say crew cut... Do you mean like this, or more of the traditional enlisted high and tight?
You need to describe the tattoos, if they're a major distinguishing feature. Where are they on his body? What are they tattoos of? I have a couple characters with tattoos, and it really helps to actually know what it is.
The measurements still need clarification in several spots. 220 what? lbs? And you should clarify inches or feet, non-Americans might not realize what the symbol stands for, where in or ft is clearer.
A couple things just pulled off of the character card up top. You might want to just make him Nepleslian, rather than saying human. Pure humans are a tiny chunk of the population of the setting, and Nepleslians are just slightly genetically weird humans. You also wouldn't be a full doctor, the way he's written. Doctors would be higher ranking, and probably only have been selected if they had prior education, or had already shown an aptitude as a medic. He could be a normal field medic at that rank, though, if that fits what you're going for. And last part from the card, go ahead and add the multiple measurements up there, too, with the previously mentioned edits. Should list both sets in every location either is listed.
Personality still needs some expansion. We're trying to get a feel for him as a person, here, and I just don't get much from things as they're written right now. The biggest thing, stop describing how others may find him, and describe HIM. Let us describe how we see him once he's in the RP, for now, you just describe him from an internal perspective. It also seems like the motivations section may have been cut off.
The family still needs to be filled in a bit more. At least an age, living or dead... the bare bones is enough. Most of the details can be filled in as part of the history, rather than a separate thing.
Under the skills, there are a couple of things. First, under fighting, a lot of the early part of it should be under a Physical skill, instead of fighting. Workouts, that kind of stuff.
Also, you have several skills that would fall under a single category, and aren't included in our skills system individually. This is the full list of skills for SARP. Several would just fall into that Medical and science category, though you can feel free to differentiate them a bit within that category, like I've done in one of my characters with her Maintenance and Repair skill. The big thing is just that you need to make sure you're including the information in the Nepleslian boilerplate skills, because everything listed there is a requirement for every soldier. You can paraphrase a bit, but everything is needed. It's also better to describe what he learned in sentence form, instead of lists. Again, this is all so a GM can get a feel for your character, a dry list of everything doesn't really mean much. Just try to avoid copypasting the description of training like you have, and put what he's capable of in your own words. Heck, maybe he's really good at some specific parts, but can't stand others. Everyone has their quirks.
I tweaked up the inventory a bit, but you still need to decide on (and edit to reflect) some of your options, like your issued swimwear, your rifle, and so on.
Good progress, but you still need some work. Keep goin', you're getting there.
Sigma
Inactive Member
I cannot emphasize this point enough. Doctors are the epitome of the military medical world. You don't start at the top. You need to work your way up and prove you're worthy of the rank and responsibility.
