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Approved Character Rafe K. Stone (edited)
- Thread starter Kr4nkshaft
- Start date
Aendri
Inactive Member
Doing a review of my own, just because I've already talked to Krank a bit about the character.
First off, I adjusted the redlink up top to your username. Go ahead and follow that link, and create a basic userpage for us, please.
Edited your anon art to be SAoY specific instead.
Went ahead and linked up some of the details to their actual pages for you. Interesting choice on going Investigator for your first character. Be forewarned that you will still be utilized as infantry in many cases, since most ships don't have a glaring need for an Investigator in his own role.
Tattoo in facial features should probably be in build/skin color, if it's on his shoulder blade. Facial hair info should probably be combined, I'd just add the color to facial, rather than moving the hair description to Hair.
You can go ahead and remove the ears section if there's nothing unique or interesting about them.
In personality, you repeat yourself a bit, and contradict yourself in the process. "active and impulsive, but not irrational" versus "smart and quick to act, but can be rash". If he's rash, he's acting without thought, which qualifies as irrational under a good number of circumstances. I'd replace the reference to personalities/races with personalities/people. Just seems to mesh better. Next sentence should be removed, that's a matter of perception, not personality.
Made a couple edits in the history section for readability grammar, feel free to read back over it and let me know if something doesn't read right anymore. Big thing would be commas, you seem to hate them for some reason.
Removed a reference to alien weapons, since weapons are weapons for the most part, and a truly alien weapon would take serious effort to get with little payoff.
It's unlikely he'd know Tinacen at this point, as the Neshaten are only connected very tenously with most nations, and many people probably don't even know they exist as a race. Unless there's a specific reason for him to have learned that, I'd remove it. You also need the boilerplate information included in there, specifically dealing with the Yamataian language, since he's in their military. The skill is also supposed to be communication, not Languages.
On the rest of the skills... Knowledge, the last sentence needs to be removed, that would all be part of vehicles/starship operations or another skill (depends on what kind of business skills you're talking about).
Combat needs to be updated to include the boilerplate SAoY skill, and renamed to Fighting. Hunting would fall into the Survival skill, not Fighting.
Physical is good.
Past Connections isn't a skill either, though most of the activities mentioned would fall under the "Rogue" skill. Keep in mind, connections with people who are known to be involved in illegal activities is the kind of thing that would bar you from service as a policeman in many places, and actively maintaining those would probably get internal services to bring him in for a talk, if not SAINT themselves.
Domestic is good.
Leadership needs to be removed. If you display leadership, you can add that one later with your GMs approval, but I'd need to see a fair bit more writing to justify having it up front.
Inventory - Could use a bit of customization. He didn't bring anything of his own with him?
Overall, minor edits still needed, but the character is actually pretty close to good, once you resolve the listed issues.
First off, I adjusted the redlink up top to your username. Go ahead and follow that link, and create a basic userpage for us, please.
Edited your anon art to be SAoY specific instead.
Went ahead and linked up some of the details to their actual pages for you. Interesting choice on going Investigator for your first character. Be forewarned that you will still be utilized as infantry in many cases, since most ships don't have a glaring need for an Investigator in his own role.
Tattoo in facial features should probably be in build/skin color, if it's on his shoulder blade. Facial hair info should probably be combined, I'd just add the color to facial, rather than moving the hair description to Hair.
You can go ahead and remove the ears section if there's nothing unique or interesting about them.
In personality, you repeat yourself a bit, and contradict yourself in the process. "active and impulsive, but not irrational" versus "smart and quick to act, but can be rash". If he's rash, he's acting without thought, which qualifies as irrational under a good number of circumstances. I'd replace the reference to personalities/races with personalities/people. Just seems to mesh better. Next sentence should be removed, that's a matter of perception, not personality.
Made a couple edits in the history section for readability grammar, feel free to read back over it and let me know if something doesn't read right anymore. Big thing would be commas, you seem to hate them for some reason.
Removed a reference to alien weapons, since weapons are weapons for the most part, and a truly alien weapon would take serious effort to get with little payoff.
It's unlikely he'd know Tinacen at this point, as the Neshaten are only connected very tenously with most nations, and many people probably don't even know they exist as a race. Unless there's a specific reason for him to have learned that, I'd remove it. You also need the boilerplate information included in there, specifically dealing with the Yamataian language, since he's in their military. The skill is also supposed to be communication, not Languages.
On the rest of the skills... Knowledge, the last sentence needs to be removed, that would all be part of vehicles/starship operations or another skill (depends on what kind of business skills you're talking about).
Combat needs to be updated to include the boilerplate SAoY skill, and renamed to Fighting. Hunting would fall into the Survival skill, not Fighting.
Physical is good.
Past Connections isn't a skill either, though most of the activities mentioned would fall under the "Rogue" skill. Keep in mind, connections with people who are known to be involved in illegal activities is the kind of thing that would bar you from service as a policeman in many places, and actively maintaining those would probably get internal services to bring him in for a talk, if not SAINT themselves.
Domestic is good.
Leadership needs to be removed. If you display leadership, you can add that one later with your GMs approval, but I'd need to see a fair bit more writing to justify having it up front.
Inventory - Could use a bit of customization. He didn't bring anything of his own with him?
Overall, minor edits still needed, but the character is actually pretty close to good, once you resolve the listed issues.
Kr4nkshaft
Inactive Member
make changes but let me know if I forgot something. was kind of tired so I may have missed something.
Yoshi
Inactive Member
ok after working with you on the IRC with this, i think we have it down to three issues left.
First your Player page still needs to be made.
Second Metric conversions to the heights and weights
Thirdly Skills, First you need to mention the Yamataian language, second you can have two more skills Try looking at the skill page for ones that would be make him a bit more fit in the investigator role.
I think unless I have missed anything that is it. So once those issues are addressed I will approve this character.
First your Player page still needs to be made.
Second Metric conversions to the heights and weights
Thirdly Skills, First you need to mention the Yamataian language, second you can have two more skills Try looking at the skill page for ones that would be make him a bit more fit in the investigator role.
I think unless I have missed anything that is it. So once those issues are addressed I will approve this character.
Kr4nkshaft
Inactive Member
Will do. Gotta look up the metrics though, don't know those from memory.
Kr4nkshaft
Inactive Member
having trouble accessing the editable version to finish off the changes Yoshi wants >.< ermahgerd
Just type something like "160 lb to kg" into Google.com and it will give you a converter tool.
Kr4nkshaft
Inactive Member
I know about that Wes, just trying to access the editable version
Kr4nkshaft
Inactive Member
should be about done Wes/Yoshi.
Character looks great to me. While you're waiting on @Yoshi to approve the character for his plot, you may want to take a moment to create your userpage. Follow the red link on your character page and create the page there. It should have some basic template stuff that appears in the edit window as a starter for your user page.
