Gunhand4171
The Gunman
Character Article URL: https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=characters:yamatai:raphael_castiel
Preferred Plot's GM: @Semjax
Here you go
Preferred Plot's GM: @Semjax
Here you go
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Approved Character Raphael Castiel
- Thread starter Gunhand4171
- Start date
Gunhand4171
The Gunman
Great. Thank Ya
Aendri
Inactive Member
I'm at least temporarily unapproving this character until we can get some changes made to the character.
Just right off the bat, what race is he? Elysian isn't a race, it's the name for the group of races that make up the Elysian nation. The three actual races are Patrician, Caelisolan, and Plebian.
Depending on the answer there, the physical characteristics need to be tweaked, as the three groups all have a different set of ranges. Regardless of which race he is, though, he's WAY too heavy. All Elysians are strong for their weight, but they're also much lighter for their size than the other races. A good portion of their bone structure is hollow, just like a bird's. The ears category needs to be removed, since all Elysians just have bog-standard, human ears, but you need to add a wings category and describe his wings, since Elysian wings have a fair bit of variation. That category will also depend on which of the three races he's from, though.
There are also a decent number of seeming contradictions in his personality. You say he's seen as "cold and calculating", but then you say he "fights to protect everyone". Those seem fairly contradictory.
The BIG no-no that I'm seeing right now is the flight. If he's from the lower-class from that far back, that means he's a Plebian. Having left the Elysian nation, his family wouldn't have received the upgrade to the Caelisolan body when it was created, and that would mean his wings are effectively useless. They're nowhere near as vestigial as a Lorath's wings, but on a Plebian, they're not only much smaller, but their muscular structure can't support flight at all, and even just gliding short distances would be a really, really big strain on their body. It's possible he's one of the remarkably rare few Plebians who develop more than average, but at their peak, a Plebian still isn't flight capable.
The history in general is a bit touchy, too. First, because for all the shit that's messed up in Nepleslia, racism has never been part of it. There are LOTS of people who grew up in circumstances in Nepleslia just as bad, if not worse, than any given Plebian, and pretty much every race EXCEPT Nekos are pretty well represented in their population. While the most common are obviously Nepleslian (normal) and ID-SOLs, there are bits and pieces of pretty much any race you can picture in Nepleslia. There's no good reason for him never being "seen as an equal" in the NPF unless he was straight out underperforming.
The skills also need some tweaking. What you have listed as "Sniper Training" would actually be a subset of Fighting, not a skill in its own right. Stealth would most likely either be Rogue, or be another subset of Survival, though Rogue seems to fit a bit better for your purposes. First Aid would go under either Survival, or the Medical and Science skill, depending on how you plan to use/develop the skill.
They also need to be clarified some. First, why does he have the exact same training as a Nepleslian Marine, if he's been a cop and not much else? That's a pretty rigorous training regimen, and it covers a lot of things that your average cop, or even a detective, would have absolutely no need to know. Second, which hostile environments is he trained to survive in? That's a very, very general term in a setting like SARP. Knowing how to survive on a volcanic deathworld is very different from knowing how to survive on a tropical jungle planet. Both can be incredibly hostile environments, but in wildly, sometimes exact opposite ways. Third, the First Aid skill reads more like a trauma first responder than someone with some basic first aid. Maybe clarify the nature of his medical knowledge a bit more, and delineate a bit more clearly where the limits of it are.
In terms of the inventory... Does the guy not own any underwear? Or any other personal items? No mementos of home (Elysia or Nepleslia, regardless)? Right now, I'm picturing walking into his room, and it's like walking into a jail cell. Bed, 3 changes of clothes, his weapons, and... nothing else. Nothing that makes him seem human.
I'd also recommend formatting the inventory in the same style that the default inventories for the military groups are formatted. Basically, the bullets are fine, but convert those over into the actual wiki bullets instead. It's just two spaces, the asterisk, and then another space, instead of just the single asterisk, and that will set more professional looking bullet points up for you.
Just right off the bat, what race is he? Elysian isn't a race, it's the name for the group of races that make up the Elysian nation. The three actual races are Patrician, Caelisolan, and Plebian.
Depending on the answer there, the physical characteristics need to be tweaked, as the three groups all have a different set of ranges. Regardless of which race he is, though, he's WAY too heavy. All Elysians are strong for their weight, but they're also much lighter for their size than the other races. A good portion of their bone structure is hollow, just like a bird's. The ears category needs to be removed, since all Elysians just have bog-standard, human ears, but you need to add a wings category and describe his wings, since Elysian wings have a fair bit of variation. That category will also depend on which of the three races he's from, though.
There are also a decent number of seeming contradictions in his personality. You say he's seen as "cold and calculating", but then you say he "fights to protect everyone". Those seem fairly contradictory.
The BIG no-no that I'm seeing right now is the flight. If he's from the lower-class from that far back, that means he's a Plebian. Having left the Elysian nation, his family wouldn't have received the upgrade to the Caelisolan body when it was created, and that would mean his wings are effectively useless. They're nowhere near as vestigial as a Lorath's wings, but on a Plebian, they're not only much smaller, but their muscular structure can't support flight at all, and even just gliding short distances would be a really, really big strain on their body. It's possible he's one of the remarkably rare few Plebians who develop more than average, but at their peak, a Plebian still isn't flight capable.
The history in general is a bit touchy, too. First, because for all the shit that's messed up in Nepleslia, racism has never been part of it. There are LOTS of people who grew up in circumstances in Nepleslia just as bad, if not worse, than any given Plebian, and pretty much every race EXCEPT Nekos are pretty well represented in their population. While the most common are obviously Nepleslian (normal) and ID-SOLs, there are bits and pieces of pretty much any race you can picture in Nepleslia. There's no good reason for him never being "seen as an equal" in the NPF unless he was straight out underperforming.
The skills also need some tweaking. What you have listed as "Sniper Training" would actually be a subset of Fighting, not a skill in its own right. Stealth would most likely either be Rogue, or be another subset of Survival, though Rogue seems to fit a bit better for your purposes. First Aid would go under either Survival, or the Medical and Science skill, depending on how you plan to use/develop the skill.
They also need to be clarified some. First, why does he have the exact same training as a Nepleslian Marine, if he's been a cop and not much else? That's a pretty rigorous training regimen, and it covers a lot of things that your average cop, or even a detective, would have absolutely no need to know. Second, which hostile environments is he trained to survive in? That's a very, very general term in a setting like SARP. Knowing how to survive on a volcanic deathworld is very different from knowing how to survive on a tropical jungle planet. Both can be incredibly hostile environments, but in wildly, sometimes exact opposite ways. Third, the First Aid skill reads more like a trauma first responder than someone with some basic first aid. Maybe clarify the nature of his medical knowledge a bit more, and delineate a bit more clearly where the limits of it are.
In terms of the inventory... Does the guy not own any underwear? Or any other personal items? No mementos of home (Elysia or Nepleslia, regardless)? Right now, I'm picturing walking into his room, and it's like walking into a jail cell. Bed, 3 changes of clothes, his weapons, and... nothing else. Nothing that makes him seem human.
I'd also recommend formatting the inventory in the same style that the default inventories for the military groups are formatted. Basically, the bullets are fine, but convert those over into the actual wiki bullets instead. It's just two spaces, the asterisk, and then another space, instead of just the single asterisk, and that will set more professional looking bullet points up for you.
Gunhand4171
The Gunman
I'm changing everything right now. I'll be in in a few hours
Gunhand4171
The Gunman
Aendri
Inactive Member
I'm... actually even more confused, now. You say he's a Caelisolan up top, but then the history says he's a "second generation Nepleslian".
When you say his father died in the fighting, which war are you thinking of?
I'd also like to hear from @Koenig808 on the subject of his squad's actions. I'd say it's... possible for that to happen, but really, really unlikely. So if not Koenig, at least @CadetNewb or someone else who could serve as an authority on the Neps.
The skills have almost taken a step back, too. Sniper Training still isn't a skill (and needs to be part of fighting, not its own category), Fighting and Physical are two separate skills, not a single skill. Rogue is misspelled. I'm not exactly sure what "specialty training" you're referring to for the Technology Operations skill, since nothing you listed would really involve training as a computer specialist, either. The strategy skill is just copied straight out of the Marine's skill page, but you really, really don't need the gigantic bullet list. It's honestly just not very interesting to read as it is. Having some of the skills be copy pasted and some of them being hand written just makes the entire thing feel off. If you're going to write up your own skills, write them all up, or at least just link to the ones that you're not going to write, rather than copying them.
Once you clarify the race thing, there will probably be other things to deal with, but until I know which way you're going, I'm not sure.
When you say his father died in the fighting, which war are you thinking of?
I'd also like to hear from @Koenig808 on the subject of his squad's actions. I'd say it's... possible for that to happen, but really, really unlikely. So if not Koenig, at least @CadetNewb or someone else who could serve as an authority on the Neps.
The skills have almost taken a step back, too. Sniper Training still isn't a skill (and needs to be part of fighting, not its own category), Fighting and Physical are two separate skills, not a single skill. Rogue is misspelled. I'm not exactly sure what "specialty training" you're referring to for the Technology Operations skill, since nothing you listed would really involve training as a computer specialist, either. The strategy skill is just copied straight out of the Marine's skill page, but you really, really don't need the gigantic bullet list. It's honestly just not very interesting to read as it is. Having some of the skills be copy pasted and some of them being hand written just makes the entire thing feel off. If you're going to write up your own skills, write them all up, or at least just link to the ones that you're not going to write, rather than copying them.
Once you clarify the race thing, there will probably be other things to deal with, but until I know which way you're going, I'm not sure.
Gunhand4171
The Gunman
Okay.
First: When I say that he is a second generation Nepleslian, I mean his family has been on Neplesia for two generations. Not "he is a Nepleslian"
Second: I am getting all these skills form the NSMC training. On there Sniper training is its own skill. It is listed under specialty training.
Third: I was thinking his father died fighting Reds.
First: When I say that he is a second generation Nepleslian, I mean his family has been on Neplesia for two generations. Not "he is a Nepleslian"
Second: I am getting all these skills form the NSMC training. On there Sniper training is its own skill. It is listed under specialty training.
Third: I was thinking his father died fighting Reds.
Aendri
Inactive Member
That would imply that his family moved to Nepleslia before he was ever born, so around, YE 16. Seeing as Nepleslia didn't EXIST until YE 28, that would be remarkably impressive. Especially since the group that Nepleslia split from, the Yamataians, was who Elysia was actively at WAR with until YE 25. Lots of problems with being an Elysian in Nep/Yam territory at that point in time.
On the second one, that's what I'm saying. If they're just copy-pasted, don't do it. Either make the skill yours, or just link to the page. Google dislikes repeated content, and the difference in writing styles is just jarring reading through your sheet.
For the third one... that's again, kinda touchy. If it happened when he was fifteen, then it's unlikely. The Misshu wars would be a much more feasible way for him to have died.
On the second one, that's what I'm saying. If they're just copy-pasted, don't do it. Either make the skill yours, or just link to the page. Google dislikes repeated content, and the difference in writing styles is just jarring reading through your sheet.
For the third one... that's again, kinda touchy. If it happened when he was fifteen, then it's unlikely. The Misshu wars would be a much more feasible way for him to have died.
Gunhand4171
The Gunman
All right. Hold on...
Aendri, Nepleslia existed long before the Yamatai Star Empire was formed. And when Elysia fought Yamatai, Nepleslia was part of Yamatai. If he was born in YE 16 (based on his listed age), that means he was born the same year the Third Elysian War (YE 16-YE 18) started. So yes, if he was living in Nepleslia, during that war and the one that followed in YE 23-YE 25, it's entirely possible Nepleslian people didn't treat his family very well, since they might have been viewed as "the enemy" or as potential spies for the Elysians that Yamatai and Nepleslia were fighting against.
When he was 15, that was YE 31, which was the year the Second Mishhuvurthyar War started.
When he was 15, that was YE 31, which was the year the Second Mishhuvurthyar War started.
Aendri
Inactive Member
And, uh. The second part of that is that unless you were part of Elysia itself at least up to... roughly YE31/32, there's no way for an Elysian to have the Caelisolan body. That was a replacement body that Plebians were given upgrades to, but if you weren't part of Elysia, you didn't get the upgrade.
And Wes, I'm well aware of the fact that the nation existed, but there wasn't a Nep military separate from Yamatai, meaning his father would've been part of the SAoY, meaning he would have literally been fighting Elysia for Yamatai. If that's how he wants the story to go, that's fine, but he needs to keep in mind that would make him literally less than human so far as most Elysians are concerned. And Elysians wouldn't really have been in Nepleslia until after the 3rd War, or all of the way until the end of the 4th, unless they'd been there since the first war, since that was the last major exodus.
edit: Woops, mixed up my own wars.
And Wes, I'm well aware of the fact that the nation existed, but there wasn't a Nep military separate from Yamatai, meaning his father would've been part of the SAoY, meaning he would have literally been fighting Elysia for Yamatai. If that's how he wants the story to go, that's fine, but he needs to keep in mind that would make him literally less than human so far as most Elysians are concerned. And Elysians wouldn't really have been in Nepleslia until after the 3rd War, or all of the way until the end of the 4th, unless they'd been there since the first war, since that was the last major exodus.
edit: Woops, mixed up my own wars.
Gunhand4171
The Gunman
Just hold on. I will redo my sheet
It's rare, but not impossible for an Elysian to have been on the Yamataian side fighting against the Elysian Celestial Navy. It was a pretty awful war. Maybe he had different political views, or just wanted to serve his country, or wanted to be on the winning side.
Edit: If he died fighting the reds, it would make sense for that to be in YE 29, or when he was 13.
Edit: If he died fighting the reds, it would make sense for that to be in YE 29, or when he was 13.
Gunhand4171
The Gunman
Alright. May I have permission to have my character be a Patrician. This would help fix the age problems. I can fix the bio to show that his family defected to the Neps. This explains why Raphael would want to be a Marine. He would also be mocked an ridiculed so I fix that as well. Then I will fix the other things as well.
Sure, Patrician is fine.
And also I want to thank you for being patient with this. It really made me feel bad to see your character get approved and then have to be reworked and I know this must be frustrating.
And also I want to thank you for being patient with this. It really made me feel bad to see your character get approved and then have to be reworked and I know this must be frustrating.
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Gunhand4171
The Gunman
Thank ya Wes
Whoa, Whoa, Whoa hold on @Wes
I'd like Aendri to stay in control over this. If he wants to be a patrician then he needs to get permission from the FM, which is Aendri.
If Aendri, as the FM of the Elysians, have issues with the character then let him work them out with Gunhand.
The character will be far superior as an Elysian if he does, which is what I'd like.
I'd like Aendri to stay in control over this. If he wants to be a patrician then he needs to get permission from the FM, which is Aendri.
If Aendri, as the FM of the Elysians, have issues with the character then let him work them out with Gunhand.
The character will be far superior as an Elysian if he does, which is what I'd like.
I want to also make clear why I approved, and allowed it to be unapproved:
Originally, I was told by plenty of people that this character was submitted to the Character Approval section as a full character. So, because I trusted these people, I didn't bother to look into whether it was or was not. I was unaware that you could actually halt and improve an already approved character, as such I slapped the approval immediately. In my ignorance, it was brought to my attention that the character was not actually pre-approved by character approvers, it was approved only in the open RP section in a thread.
I want to severely apologize for my ignorance.
But that is why I allowed the character to be unapproved, so that Aendri can fix the Elysian up to be a good character... Not saying the character isn't good, but it's going to be even better I believe.
Again I apologize.
Originally, I was told by plenty of people that this character was submitted to the Character Approval section as a full character. So, because I trusted these people, I didn't bother to look into whether it was or was not. I was unaware that you could actually halt and improve an already approved character, as such I slapped the approval immediately. In my ignorance, it was brought to my attention that the character was not actually pre-approved by character approvers, it was approved only in the open RP section in a thread.
I want to severely apologize for my ignorance.
But that is why I allowed the character to be unapproved, so that Aendri can fix the Elysian up to be a good character... Not saying the character isn't good, but it's going to be even better I believe.
Again I apologize.
