blackshade10
Inactive Member
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Reid Nakada
- Thread starter blackshade10
- Start date
Aendri
Inactive Member
I'll throw up a full review for you later today, when I have a bit more time, but two obvious things are that you need to make the user page (just follow the redlink on your name, and make something small, doesn't have to be especially impressive) and you have to have some kind of distinguishing feature. Even being completely normal is distinguishing, in a way, so there's always SOMETHING to write about.
blackshade10
Inactive Member
Changes made. 
Aendri
Inactive Member
First, I apologize immensely for the delay. Just started a new job, so my schedule has been all sorts of messed up lately.
On to the character, then.
First, keep in mind 6' is VERY tall for a Yamataian person. Minkan tend to top out right around 6', according to their page, so he'd be considered very tall.
Also, leave out the second line of the build. This is a fact sheet, so opinions like that aren't really appropriate, at least in this section. Physical strength would be a skill, not part of his image.
The same goes for Distinguishing Features. It could be that his looks are at odds with how he acts, but opinions need to be removed from this upper portion of the character sheet. Second-person language is the easy way to pick it out. "You, your"... that stuff.
The brutal streak needs to be removed, at least as it's phrased. Personality is the what, not the how. A better phrasing would be that he has little mercy for enemies of the empire, and has no problem with letting that be known.
The input of others needs to be removed again though. You can say he's self-conscious over his "cute" appearance, but not that others call him cute. That's something that you have to let the other players decide.
The history is a bit short, but I can let that slide.
It's "Starship Operations", not "Spacecraft Operations". However, I question that being your seventh skill. Where would a young, recently enlisted Infantryman have found the time to learn the flight skills? That's a specialty all of its own, so I'd rather see you include a hobby of some sort there than that skill.
I fixed your Inventory for you though, including all of the links and a couple formatting things and items which you were missing.
All in all, a solid start. Good job thus far. This character is In Progress.
On to the character, then.
First, keep in mind 6' is VERY tall for a Yamataian person. Minkan tend to top out right around 6', according to their page, so he'd be considered very tall.
Also, leave out the second line of the build. This is a fact sheet, so opinions like that aren't really appropriate, at least in this section. Physical strength would be a skill, not part of his image.
The same goes for Distinguishing Features. It could be that his looks are at odds with how he acts, but opinions need to be removed from this upper portion of the character sheet. Second-person language is the easy way to pick it out. "You, your"... that stuff.
The brutal streak needs to be removed, at least as it's phrased. Personality is the what, not the how. A better phrasing would be that he has little mercy for enemies of the empire, and has no problem with letting that be known.
The input of others needs to be removed again though. You can say he's self-conscious over his "cute" appearance, but not that others call him cute. That's something that you have to let the other players decide.
The history is a bit short, but I can let that slide.
It's "Starship Operations", not "Spacecraft Operations". However, I question that being your seventh skill. Where would a young, recently enlisted Infantryman have found the time to learn the flight skills? That's a specialty all of its own, so I'd rather see you include a hobby of some sort there than that skill.
I fixed your Inventory for you though, including all of the links and a couple formatting things and items which you were missing.
All in all, a solid start. Good job thus far. This character is In Progress.
