Hello Kuronary,
I'm Nashoba, GM for the 21st, and one of the site Admins.
I added a bit more Wiki links on the form
Overall your character is on the right path for the 21st. A few small issues.
Name: Yamataian names are typically Surname (Family) then Given name. Your text would imply that Saori is her given name, so you should reverse the names at the top of the form so that people don't call you by the wrong name.
Hair, how long is long? Please provide a reference. What one person considers long is not the same as another. Is it down to her waist? the middle of her back, etc.
Under skills: In Communications you put telepathy in the heading but did not put it in the actual description, and you have a 'Your character is ' in the text.
As for the rest of your skills, you used the boiler plates for the mandatory which is fine. Although you could personalize them a bit. For example under the fighting, was there anything that she was better at or enjoyed more. Not a necessity, but it adds a bit more depth.
Other than these things overall a great first character.
Because you have stated you are intending on coming to the 21st Squadron, I will let one of the other Character Reviewers go over her some more.