SmokeEmpress
Inactive Member
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Approved Character [The Wayward] Analiese
- Thread starter SmokeEmpress
- Start date
Syaoran
Retired Staff
Alright well first, glad to have another person who wants to join Wayward. Now let's talk about the character sheet. The things listed below are mostly small things so if it sounds like a lot it's really not too much.
- First under distinguishing features. While not all characters have something like a tattoo it's encouraged to put distinguishing features down for each character, even if it's that they are 'plain looking'. Think of this as what someone would say to look for if they were looking for this character.
- What you have for Family should probably be put in the history section, in the family section usually names and occupation and whether they're alive or dead is what people put.
- While your skills seem fine to me, you also haven't used all your slots. While you don't have to fill them all if you don't want to, if you do want to you're free to do so. If you ran out of ideas we can talk about other things that can be added.
- Items...this is an awkward one since she was kinda kidnapped and was a slave, but anything she might have on her person, or secretly taken from the ship you want to list.
SmokeEmpress
Inactive Member
Thank you for the advice!
- Distinguishing Features will have something added to it.
- Kinda figured family should be a list, so will do so and put the sentences in history somewhere
- Her skills are remaining as simple as they are so that she has room to grow. I know that you can go even beyond, but figured what with her being a slave there's not going to be as much in the way of skill sets.
- I'll have to think of what items she could now be carrying, though for the most part it'd be tools. She wouldn't have any weapons nor anything more as far as clothing.
Syaoran
Retired Staff
Well for skills there is always "Physical" if you want to take it. It simply explains your physical condition if it's above average. However everything looks okay to me. The only thing is the picture. I only know 2 rules for pictures and that's "Commissions are allowed" "Copyrighted work isn't." So if it falls into a grey area you'll have to talk to @Wes to see what you can do.
Aendri
Inactive Member
Actually, the rule is that you have to hold the rights to the photo, period. So, unless you're Arantza, or have written permission to be using the image, it needs to be removed. You can use the anon art if nothing else, or you can see if anyone is willing to do a quick sketch for you, even if you can't do a commission.
Now, in terms of actual review...
The first line in build needs to be removed. Her status as a slave has nothing to do with her build description. This is basically just a factual area where you write out the details of the character physically, the why and reasons stuff might not be noticeable would belong in the history, for the most part.
In eyes, just describe the shape. There are no Caucasians in the setting, so the current meaning doesn't apply. Also, it's called "heterochromia", not monochrome, when the eyes are different colors.
You can just scratch the ears spot if there's nothing of note. That's only included since some races can have alternate styled ears.
The big thing is that if you're going to keep hedging each description with "when it's clean", or something along those lines, then you should include a secondary description for what she looks like when she's not, if it's a common thing for her. Doing that makes it sound like she looks completely different when she's clean, so the description wouldn't fit her anymore.
Personality is okay, but keep in mind it'll make interacting with other players harder on you if you play it straight, and that can make plots a lot less fun.
Her dad needs to be listed here. Even if she doesn't know who it is, this is an OOC biography, not something that could be looked up IC. There are no "unknown"s on an OOC document.
I'll leave the history be for the most part, since there isn't really much to it. But the one thing that sticks out is how is she going to end up on the Wayward? Is she bought by someone on the crew? Or did she escape and run? I ask just because you don't mention anyone from the plot, or how she would arrive there in the history, and that's the point where the history should leave off, right before she steps into the plot.
On the inventory, a multitool might make more sense than most of the tools there. Keep in mind, this is high-sci-fi. We have tech centuries beyond modern tech, and a lot of it can't really be worked on with irl modern tools. Nep tech is a bit more traditional than most, but it's still going to need some higher level tools than that.
Last thing, though this is a little one, is that you should re-write the line in the finance section to clarify her position, and whether or not she makes any money from it. Nothing much, just "so-and-so is a ____ on the Wayward, and makes about ____ a month."
Overall, not bad. Still needs some tweaking though.
Now, in terms of actual review...
The first line in build needs to be removed. Her status as a slave has nothing to do with her build description. This is basically just a factual area where you write out the details of the character physically, the why and reasons stuff might not be noticeable would belong in the history, for the most part.
In eyes, just describe the shape. There are no Caucasians in the setting, so the current meaning doesn't apply. Also, it's called "heterochromia", not monochrome, when the eyes are different colors.
You can just scratch the ears spot if there's nothing of note. That's only included since some races can have alternate styled ears.
The big thing is that if you're going to keep hedging each description with "when it's clean", or something along those lines, then you should include a secondary description for what she looks like when she's not, if it's a common thing for her. Doing that makes it sound like she looks completely different when she's clean, so the description wouldn't fit her anymore.
Personality is okay, but keep in mind it'll make interacting with other players harder on you if you play it straight, and that can make plots a lot less fun.
Her dad needs to be listed here. Even if she doesn't know who it is, this is an OOC biography, not something that could be looked up IC. There are no "unknown"s on an OOC document.
I'll leave the history be for the most part, since there isn't really much to it. But the one thing that sticks out is how is she going to end up on the Wayward? Is she bought by someone on the crew? Or did she escape and run? I ask just because you don't mention anyone from the plot, or how she would arrive there in the history, and that's the point where the history should leave off, right before she steps into the plot.
On the inventory, a multitool might make more sense than most of the tools there. Keep in mind, this is high-sci-fi. We have tech centuries beyond modern tech, and a lot of it can't really be worked on with irl modern tools. Nep tech is a bit more traditional than most, but it's still going to need some higher level tools than that.
Last thing, though this is a little one, is that you should re-write the line in the finance section to clarify her position, and whether or not she makes any money from it. Nothing much, just "so-and-so is a ____ on the Wayward, and makes about ____ a month."
Overall, not bad. Still needs some tweaking though.
SmokeEmpress
Inactive Member
Okay, I've removed the photo. I'll see if someone will be willing to draw one for me for free, otherwise I'll just have to leave it blank. Sorry, but the unless you had an anonymous one for Mechanics, there's no point.
Thank you for the clarification on the eyes, that has been changed where referenced. I have also added what her hair would look like when dirty. I did reference what her skin and stuff would look like without the dirt, so it's should be much of a change as far as that is concerned.
I changed her build statement to where the overalls disguise it instead.
Her personality can change. Just remember, this is only the beginning of how she is, not how she will be all the time. As she grows, this description will change for her.
Her father is unknown. Period. Even OOC. And yes, that can be done because even IRL documents may not list the father, though there is a place for it. If you want, I can put 'unlisted' or something. I'm leaving it open on purpose to see if anyone else wants to step up to be her father later on. It's not important for her to know at this time. When it is, and if none desire to, then I will decide who he is and if he is still alive or not.
Yes, a multitool would be more beneficial for her. And it would be easier for her to carry. I shall put that instead of the tools that would be used.
As for the position and stuff, that will be up to @Syaroan to decide. Well, the pay anyway. I'll put Mechanic down, as well as alter her Rank. Maybe just leave it blank?
Thank you for the clarification on the eyes, that has been changed where referenced. I have also added what her hair would look like when dirty. I did reference what her skin and stuff would look like without the dirt, so it's should be much of a change as far as that is concerned.
I changed her build statement to where the overalls disguise it instead.
Her personality can change. Just remember, this is only the beginning of how she is, not how she will be all the time. As she grows, this description will change for her.
Her father is unknown. Period. Even OOC. And yes, that can be done because even IRL documents may not list the father, though there is a place for it. If you want, I can put 'unlisted' or something. I'm leaving it open on purpose to see if anyone else wants to step up to be her father later on. It's not important for her to know at this time. When it is, and if none desire to, then I will decide who he is and if he is still alive or not.
Yes, a multitool would be more beneficial for her. And it would be easier for her to carry. I shall put that instead of the tools that would be used.
As for the position and stuff, that will be up to @Syaroan to decide. Well, the pay anyway. I'll put Mechanic down, as well as alter her Rank. Maybe just leave it blank?
I see what Aendri means but it's okay to say the father is unknown. Maury will just have to keep testing people! Though it wouldn't be hard to randomly generate a name.
For clarification on the image rules on the wiki:
I encourage you to just link to the image and say that she looks like that. We can always get a custom picture at some later time and this will do the trick in the meantime.
Thank for your patience. I think your character is looking great and she should be approved soon (By @Syaoran). Also thanks @Aendri for providing analysis of the character bio.
For clarification on the image rules on the wiki:
- Images on the wiki should be hosted on the wiki
- Images shouldn't be uploaded on the wiki unless their yours or you have permission to upload them.
I encourage you to just link to the image and say that she looks like that. We can always get a custom picture at some later time and this will do the trick in the meantime.
Thank for your patience. I think your character is looking great and she should be approved soon (By @Syaoran). Also thanks @Aendri for providing analysis of the character bio.
Sigma
Inactive Member
When and how did she learn? To what degree is she capable of reading, writing and understanding? Primary-level education? Secondary? Tertiary?
What sorts of engines? Fusion? Aether? Hyperspace taps? Petrol? Diesel? Electric or solar powered? Anti-matter? Alcohol-powered? Nuclear fission? Water-powered? Small details like these help to flesh out the character's abilities. There are many types of "engines" on SARP and everything I just listed is present, even the alcohol-powered, though they're not very efficient due to being a modification.
PS: @Syaoran - I was only half-joking about boarding your ship for our next mission. If you really are interested in making it happen, we will be boarding it. Somehow. And any disharmonic resistance will be solved with a harmonious volley of 280mm nuclear shells, which should result in a harmonic end to hostilities.
SmokeEmpress
Inactive Member
@Wes I had originally linked the image more for that purpose. I know that it's not mine to host on the wiki, so I didn't want to worry about that. Most sites I am on allow for that since when one puts any image on Photobucket it is rarely broken unless they lose their free account or the image was a violation of Photobucket. So, for the sake of sanity, I'll just leave it blank until I can get an image created just for the character.
@Sigma Thanks for the critique! I shall put what I can up ASAP. I know that with engines it's like computer programming languages, once you know enough of the basics for one kind, you can figure out the rest for others. So she could know mostly Petrol/Diesel (since they are the most similar) though she would have to figure out what makes the others different, there's enough similarities in major parts that she can make guesses. Will she be right all the time? No. Will she be lucky in making a temporary work around? Possibly.
As for her education, you're right there needs to be a better understanding of just how far along she is. I'm thinking she is at least at a Secondary level, for she was 'homeschooled' by her mother in secret, so it's not like she could easily be tested on her full knowledge of the written word. And, we must keep in mind, that though she has a good grasp at reading and writing, her vocabulary may not be all it should be because of the same thing...just enough to know what she is tasked with, not enough to know all there is out there. So she may not know what Anti-Matter is, but she could know what Electrical or Solar Powered is, even if she hasn't worked on those kinds of engines.
And yes, I am going to pretty much copy and paste most of what I have just typed into the bio, because it works! LOL
@Sigma Thanks for the critique! I shall put what I can up ASAP. I know that with engines it's like computer programming languages, once you know enough of the basics for one kind, you can figure out the rest for others. So she could know mostly Petrol/Diesel (since they are the most similar) though she would have to figure out what makes the others different, there's enough similarities in major parts that she can make guesses. Will she be right all the time? No. Will she be lucky in making a temporary work around? Possibly.
As for her education, you're right there needs to be a better understanding of just how far along she is. I'm thinking she is at least at a Secondary level, for she was 'homeschooled' by her mother in secret, so it's not like she could easily be tested on her full knowledge of the written word. And, we must keep in mind, that though she has a good grasp at reading and writing, her vocabulary may not be all it should be because of the same thing...just enough to know what she is tasked with, not enough to know all there is out there. So she may not know what Anti-Matter is, but she could know what Electrical or Solar Powered is, even if she hasn't worked on those kinds of engines.
And yes, I am going to pretty much copy and paste most of what I have just typed into the bio, because it works! LOL
