quantumditto
Inactive Member
Character Article URL: https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=characters:yamatai:shadow_wraith
Preferred Plot's GM: @Syaoran
Preferred Plot's GM: @Syaoran
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Approved Character [The Wayward] Shadow Wraith
- Thread starter quantumditto
- Start date
BloodyScarlet
Well-Known Member
quantumditto
Inactive Member
Scarlet has it right she was created using data from a captured neko and IDSOL
quantumditto
Inactive Member
i will just make this easy and change to pure IDSOL give me five minuites
edit: done
edit: done
Last edited:
Syaoran
Retired Staff
Can you make your skills a little clearer on what your character knows in terms of the skill. like survival for example, do they jsut know hunting? Or do they know hunting and foraging or other talents in the survival tree? The descriptions leave some stuff up to assumption.
quantumditto
Inactive Member
Is that better?
Aendri
Inactive Member
There actually needs to be a decent bit more done with this character. I'll take it from the top, in order.
In build, define muscular. Is he wiry and lean, or is he a bodybuilder? Is there a lot of definition, or is it just sheer bulk muscle? Muscular is a VERY loose term, and doesn't present a good image on its own.
Under eyes, remove the part describing how they appear to others. That's up to other players, not you. You can write about him glowering, but you can't decide how other people will perceive it.
Go ahead and remove the ears section. That's really only needed if you want to clarify something outside of the norm, since we have races with non-human ears.
For the hair, how long is it? Is it curly? What kind of white is it? Give us a little more detail. As it is written right now, it could look like curly little old lady hair.
The personality needs a LOT more detail right now. A single line tells me effectively nothing about his personality. What's his drive? Is he hedonistic? Does he tend to take charge, or does he follow the lead of others? You say he's very loyal to his friends, but does he make friends easily? Does he trust people? Read through this link, it's a good way to fill out a personality.
The goals are... kinda faulty. If he's a full blood IDSOL, he would have been made by the DIoN, there's not much question. They tend to crack down on people making their own IDSOLs, for what should be obvious reasons. We'll talk more about this idea on the history section, but overall, he needs more detailed, long term goals, that he couldn't answer by literally opening SARP's internet.
Now. The history. It's... not very believable. Like I said above, pure-blood IDSOLs are a military technology, and not one the Neps are likely to just hand out. Hybrids are a different story, but they don't maintain the gigantic size that full-bloods do on average. This leads to the next part, which is the escape. We're talking about a military that is made up of LOTS of big, strong men, a solid chunk of them being IDSOLs or hybrid IDSOLS. They have procedures and equipment in place that is DESIGNED to cope with those kinds of people on a regular basis, let alone one time. If he tried to break out, armed guards (some of whom would likely be full or part IDSOL themselves) would be more than happy to incapacitate him, and he would be in a facility designed to make sure they COULD suppress anyone who got out of hand.
Now, rather than keep pointing out why it doesn't work, let me just say that if you make him a Hybrid, it becomes... more believable. Still not great, since anywhere that was creating IDSOLs, even hybrids, would be designed to deal with them, but more believable, because it wouldn't be under the auspices of the military.
The last part just flat out doesn't work. An individual simply doesn't screw with the Blacks. They ARE the underground market, and they effectively own the slums. If he screwed with them, he wouldn't last a day, because they could very, very easily kill him. Go with a random gang here, that just happened to be big near him, don't get involved with the Black Syndicate.
Now, for skills.
Nepleslian is actually called Trade, and Yamataian is Yamataigo. Also, keep in mind that Yamataigo, like Japanese, uses a different script. It's highly unlikely he could learn that without a teacher of some sort, especially from books.
Under engineering, where is he getting the specifications for the "advanced technologies"? Much like pure ID-SOLs, most of the higher end military tech is restricted, and only licensed to trusted manufacturers, if even that.
In fighting, remove the generalizations. Literally nobody is skilled with every weapon out there. Ask any weapons specialist, in real life, even. If you really want to get good, you focus on something. I could believe he at least knows the basic usage of a wide range of stuff, but even then, it wouldn't come close to "all". Just for melee weapons, like you have listed, you can split it down into knives, and inside of just knives, there are dozens, if not hundreds, of different kinds of knives, each of which has its own quirks in terms of how it is used. Getting skilled with a dozen knives alone would be a matter of years of practice, and that's assuming he doesn't do much but train.
Under rogue, again, just tone it back. Don't say he can move with "amazing silence", say he's learned how to move quietly. He doesn't instinctively know how to navigate the streets anywhere, but he can know how to recognize the kinds of neighborhoods he's in.
Survival, hyperbole again. He can't smell food from a mile off, but he knows how to find food in a city. Straight out remove the "hunting animals is the same as hunting humans" part. I like the part about not being able to identify plants at all, though, that's a nice little quirk.
Under physical, remove the comparisons. He can be experienced in parkour, and be a good runner, but it's up to the GM if he's faster than everyone else. Don't write this kinda stuff as comparisons, describe it. He's experienced at sprinting, so he has good stamina, and can sustain those speeds a bit longer, he's done a lot of climbing, so he's quick at finding and using handholds. And so on.
Where did he learn programming? That's not the kind of thing you'd really learn just on the side, being able to interpret coding is a pretty hard to learn skill.
Under maintenance, again, tone it back. He can't repair ANY system just by seeing it. But sure, he can probably fix something using familiar technology with a bit of study.
The big part here is that you're actually only allowed 7 skills to start with, unless you request a specific exception, and can give a pretty convincing reason why. You can learn more later, but 7 is the standard to start with.
The character isn't bad, but there is a lot of little stuff that needs to be worked, especially on the spelling/grammar side of things. If nothing else, drop the bio in Word, and let that check it for you.
In build, define muscular. Is he wiry and lean, or is he a bodybuilder? Is there a lot of definition, or is it just sheer bulk muscle? Muscular is a VERY loose term, and doesn't present a good image on its own.
Under eyes, remove the part describing how they appear to others. That's up to other players, not you. You can write about him glowering, but you can't decide how other people will perceive it.
Go ahead and remove the ears section. That's really only needed if you want to clarify something outside of the norm, since we have races with non-human ears.
For the hair, how long is it? Is it curly? What kind of white is it? Give us a little more detail. As it is written right now, it could look like curly little old lady hair.
The personality needs a LOT more detail right now. A single line tells me effectively nothing about his personality. What's his drive? Is he hedonistic? Does he tend to take charge, or does he follow the lead of others? You say he's very loyal to his friends, but does he make friends easily? Does he trust people? Read through this link, it's a good way to fill out a personality.
The goals are... kinda faulty. If he's a full blood IDSOL, he would have been made by the DIoN, there's not much question. They tend to crack down on people making their own IDSOLs, for what should be obvious reasons. We'll talk more about this idea on the history section, but overall, he needs more detailed, long term goals, that he couldn't answer by literally opening SARP's internet.
Now. The history. It's... not very believable. Like I said above, pure-blood IDSOLs are a military technology, and not one the Neps are likely to just hand out. Hybrids are a different story, but they don't maintain the gigantic size that full-bloods do on average. This leads to the next part, which is the escape. We're talking about a military that is made up of LOTS of big, strong men, a solid chunk of them being IDSOLs or hybrid IDSOLS. They have procedures and equipment in place that is DESIGNED to cope with those kinds of people on a regular basis, let alone one time. If he tried to break out, armed guards (some of whom would likely be full or part IDSOL themselves) would be more than happy to incapacitate him, and he would be in a facility designed to make sure they COULD suppress anyone who got out of hand.
Now, rather than keep pointing out why it doesn't work, let me just say that if you make him a Hybrid, it becomes... more believable. Still not great, since anywhere that was creating IDSOLs, even hybrids, would be designed to deal with them, but more believable, because it wouldn't be under the auspices of the military.
The last part just flat out doesn't work. An individual simply doesn't screw with the Blacks. They ARE the underground market, and they effectively own the slums. If he screwed with them, he wouldn't last a day, because they could very, very easily kill him. Go with a random gang here, that just happened to be big near him, don't get involved with the Black Syndicate.
Now, for skills.
Nepleslian is actually called Trade, and Yamataian is Yamataigo. Also, keep in mind that Yamataigo, like Japanese, uses a different script. It's highly unlikely he could learn that without a teacher of some sort, especially from books.
Under engineering, where is he getting the specifications for the "advanced technologies"? Much like pure ID-SOLs, most of the higher end military tech is restricted, and only licensed to trusted manufacturers, if even that.
In fighting, remove the generalizations. Literally nobody is skilled with every weapon out there. Ask any weapons specialist, in real life, even. If you really want to get good, you focus on something. I could believe he at least knows the basic usage of a wide range of stuff, but even then, it wouldn't come close to "all". Just for melee weapons, like you have listed, you can split it down into knives, and inside of just knives, there are dozens, if not hundreds, of different kinds of knives, each of which has its own quirks in terms of how it is used. Getting skilled with a dozen knives alone would be a matter of years of practice, and that's assuming he doesn't do much but train.
Under rogue, again, just tone it back. Don't say he can move with "amazing silence", say he's learned how to move quietly. He doesn't instinctively know how to navigate the streets anywhere, but he can know how to recognize the kinds of neighborhoods he's in.
Survival, hyperbole again. He can't smell food from a mile off, but he knows how to find food in a city. Straight out remove the "hunting animals is the same as hunting humans" part. I like the part about not being able to identify plants at all, though, that's a nice little quirk.
Under physical, remove the comparisons. He can be experienced in parkour, and be a good runner, but it's up to the GM if he's faster than everyone else. Don't write this kinda stuff as comparisons, describe it. He's experienced at sprinting, so he has good stamina, and can sustain those speeds a bit longer, he's done a lot of climbing, so he's quick at finding and using handholds. And so on.
Where did he learn programming? That's not the kind of thing you'd really learn just on the side, being able to interpret coding is a pretty hard to learn skill.
Under maintenance, again, tone it back. He can't repair ANY system just by seeing it. But sure, he can probably fix something using familiar technology with a bit of study.
The big part here is that you're actually only allowed 7 skills to start with, unless you request a specific exception, and can give a pretty convincing reason why. You can learn more later, but 7 is the standard to start with.
The character isn't bad, but there is a lot of little stuff that needs to be worked, especially on the spelling/grammar side of things. If nothing else, drop the bio in Word, and let that check it for you.
quantumditto
Inactive Member
some things I have changed but some I simply clarified because clearly they could be misunderstood
also the link was a nice read and I apologize for my dyslexia.
also the link was a nice read and I apologize for my dyslexia.
Last edited:
Aendri
Inactive Member
Just to clarify, most hybrid IDSOLs are just Nepleslian/IDSOL hybrids, since IDSOLs are effectively just supered humans. There wouldn't be any question on what he was a hybrid of, and hybrids are actually pretty common, so again, not really something that would be marveled at or surprising.
The first paragraph of the history is still no good. Again, IDSOLs have been a part of Nepleslian life for quite some time now, anywhere that was producing them would be used to dealing with them. Nepleslia is very heavily populated by IDSOLs, hybrids, and clones, those kinds of facilities are well established and solid systems, that have been operating for years. There's just no way he would be doing stuff like that, minutes after waking up for the first time, with no training, against trained guards (many of whom probably have military training).
Unless you plan on bringing the gang up at some point later in the RP for some reason, I'd just leave the gang unnamed for now. There are lots, so there's no need to be particularly specific, and it may work better to develop them at some point for the setting. We can always use more background info on the setting, after all.
The note in engineering needs to be part of the actual text, not a subnote. Notes should only be for things that would disrupt the flow of the profile, normally OOC comments, or links. Same goes for the note in Rogue, Tech, and Maintenance.
The changes to the skills still need to be made. Again, most of it is just a matter of it being too generalized, or too over the top. My notes in the last post tell you what needs to be done.
Just a note, missed it last time, but the Finance line needs to be rephrased. The default setting is for military, just rewrite that line, or even remove it, until he gets a steady job.
And dyslexia or no, you can still run the bio through a word processor. There are a lot of grammatical errors that have nothing to do with dyslexia, that Word would pick up on and help you fix easily. If you really have problems, feel free to ask somebody to help you out. Doshii Jun and myself both have a decent bit of editing experience, and we've helped people out before.
This character still needs some work to be ready.
The first paragraph of the history is still no good. Again, IDSOLs have been a part of Nepleslian life for quite some time now, anywhere that was producing them would be used to dealing with them. Nepleslia is very heavily populated by IDSOLs, hybrids, and clones, those kinds of facilities are well established and solid systems, that have been operating for years. There's just no way he would be doing stuff like that, minutes after waking up for the first time, with no training, against trained guards (many of whom probably have military training).
Unless you plan on bringing the gang up at some point later in the RP for some reason, I'd just leave the gang unnamed for now. There are lots, so there's no need to be particularly specific, and it may work better to develop them at some point for the setting. We can always use more background info on the setting, after all.
The note in engineering needs to be part of the actual text, not a subnote. Notes should only be for things that would disrupt the flow of the profile, normally OOC comments, or links. Same goes for the note in Rogue, Tech, and Maintenance.
The changes to the skills still need to be made. Again, most of it is just a matter of it being too generalized, or too over the top. My notes in the last post tell you what needs to be done.
Just a note, missed it last time, but the Finance line needs to be rephrased. The default setting is for military, just rewrite that line, or even remove it, until he gets a steady job.
And dyslexia or no, you can still run the bio through a word processor. There are a lot of grammatical errors that have nothing to do with dyslexia, that Word would pick up on and help you fix easily. If you really have problems, feel free to ask somebody to help you out. Doshii Jun and myself both have a decent bit of editing experience, and we've helped people out before.
This character still needs some work to be ready.
quantumditto
Inactive Member
"The first paragraph of the history is still no good. Again, IDSOLs have been a part of Nepleslian life for quite some time now, anywhere that was producing them would be used to dealing with them. Nepleslia is very heavily populated by IDSOLs, hybrids, and clones, those kinds of facilities are well established and solid systems, that have been operating for years. There's just no way he would be doing stuff like that, minutes after waking up for the first time, with no training, against trained guards (many of whom probably have military training)."
Surprise wins 9 times out of 10 the guards would not have expected this. One experiment made a lucky escape it never happened again
also
"grammatical errors that have nothing to do with dyslexia"
you clearly don't understand how dyslexia works please don't tell me about my own condition and I didn't have any grammar flags show when I checked it.
Surprise wins 9 times out of 10 the guards would not have expected this. One experiment made a lucky escape it never happened again
also
"grammatical errors that have nothing to do with dyslexia"
you clearly don't understand how dyslexia works please don't tell me about my own condition and I didn't have any grammar flags show when I checked it.
Your condition aside, Quantum, Aendri's right about your history. Please rewrite it to fit his recommendations.
I'll edit the biography once you're done.
I'll edit the biography once you're done.
quantumditto
Inactive Member
all right I am rethinking it I may need an hour or so
quantumditto
Inactive Member
That should do it... probably
Aendri
Inactive Member
Last two lines of the second paragraph of history still need to go. There's no question what he would be a hybrid of, and they would have no reason to increase security based off of the new first paragraph. This also negates Goal #3.
Last line of physical is part of fighting, not physical.
Engineering, Fighting, Maintenance, and Tech all still need to be toned back. If you need help with this, seriously, just ask. We're not going to change things without asking, but if I ask for something to be changed, it needs to be changed. Nothing you've shown me so far justifies any of the stuff I pointed out in my first point.
Also, Doshii, I'll handle editing if it comes down to it, since I've been reading over the bio for a bit now, unless you really want to. I think I have a decent idea of what he's going for on most of the stuff that needs to be fixed up.
Last line of physical is part of fighting, not physical.
Engineering, Fighting, Maintenance, and Tech all still need to be toned back. If you need help with this, seriously, just ask. We're not going to change things without asking, but if I ask for something to be changed, it needs to be changed. Nothing you've shown me so far justifies any of the stuff I pointed out in my first point.
Also, Doshii, I'll handle editing if it comes down to it, since I've been reading over the bio for a bit now, unless you really want to. I think I have a decent idea of what he's going for on most of the stuff that needs to be fixed up.
quantumditto
Inactive Member
okay stuff toned back but I still dont see why maintenance needs changing I have seen orangutans take apart advanced things they know nothing about and put it back together in working order given the same list of parts you should be able to put a system back together even if you do not understand it.
Aendri
Inactive Member
Speaking as someone who works on modern computers for a living, no. Just... no. There's a HUGE difference between being able to take apart basic mechanical systems, and being able to fully dismantle a very high tech piece of equipment. There's a reason people are paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to maintain and repair high end equipment all around the world, and it's not because any random chimp can do it.
Outside of the maintenance skill, it looks pretty much good to go. I won't be able to edit it until i get home later tonight, but I should be able to take care of it today.
Outside of the maintenance skill, it looks pretty much good to go. I won't be able to edit it until i get home later tonight, but I should be able to take care of it today.
quantumditto
Inactive Member
fair enough but if you know the components and if you have spares you could rebuild it ( i changed it anywayi just wasnt thinking how advanced some systems can be sorry)
