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Approved Submission Updates to the Abwehran Species Article

Abwehran Commander

Abwehran Commander

Inactive Member
Submission Type: Species Article - Amendments and updates listed at the end of this post.
Submission URL: https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=species:abwehran

Faction: Abwehran Star Empire
FM Approved Yet? Yes
Faction requires art? No

For Reviewers:
Contains Unapproved Sub-Articles? Yes
Contains New art? No
Previously Submitted? Yes, this is an update to expand upon information

Notes:

I am placing this article up for review once more so that the additional information added may be approved for official use. Below are the following sections that have been amended or added to the article:

 
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So far, so good I think. I don't have any problems with the main article other than the red link - just make it a placeholder page saying it will be the site of the CCG for now. That'd be good enough. I do have commentary though, but you can skip that paragraph of course.

I note that you could try renaming Surfacers to "Oberflächenbewohner" - that's what google tossed my way for 'surface dweller' in German. I think the literal translation to English would be 'over surface dweller'. Translation of languages is always tricky though. "Nacht Bewohner" for 'night dweller' - I particularly like that, since the German word for night is quite harsh. I particularly like the work done on their reproductive system, as it now gives Abwehran Males "Quads" - I always liked how the culture shown in Mass Effect changed when the Krogans showed up. The empathetic ability is also interesting, though in my own opinion, having the response be only one of those two for their reaction to Non-Abwehrans is a little restrictive from an OOC perspective.

For your unapproved Sub-Articles, I notice the linking is a bit off. You can change the name of the link to suit your purposes by using a little line like this | after the main link. An example of changing Nepleslian to Nepleslians in the wiki-code would be [[:species:nepleslian|nepleslians]]. The same can be done for Surfacer/Nightwalker Hybrids. You'll want to leave out the chart that's under "Folk Heroes" since it's incomplete. Once it's ready, put it in.

Other than these minor nit-pickings, that's pretty much it.
 
Thanks for looking through this.

Renaming Surfacers and Nightwalkers actually sounds like an interesting idea I haven't thought of before, which is something I might try. I'm also glad you like the section on Abwehran Reproduction, I tried to make them biologically more different from humans.

As for the empathic ability, I thought that it would have to be more restrictive since I made it more based on pheromones rather than some 'mystical' ability. This is mostly due to the fact that coming from a different planet with different environments from Earth might affect the composition of pheromones. But I might relax some of the restrictions, though currently the Abwehran empathy just reads non-Abwehran pheromones as --- well, alien.

On the linking, I actually know that technique --- I was just being lazy. :3

Since the Unified Culture Article is not up for approval at the moment, I wasn't too worried about it. However I will remove the table as suggested.
 
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We all have those lazy days.

Well, the thing about the pheramones and hormones being alien, I'm thinking it either creates that aggressive compulsion you've already laid out, has a lack of reaction, or creates something very confusing/inaccurate. Feeling utter fear from another person when they're happy has got to be upsetting after all. Of course, these are just some ideas of mine - in the end, this is your article.

Are there any additional changes to me made, or will it be as-is? If the latter, I'll go ahead and put it to the approval countdown.
 
Were there any issues with Abwehran Mutations and Genetic Defects?

If not, the small changes I've made based upon your suggestions are pretty much all I have done. Though the lack of reaction and confusion does sound interesting. I'll be adding that too.
 
Well, I was able to understand the article fairly well, but you may wish to find other reviewers to bounce off areas with which you may be worried. Perhaps the reproductive system since some may think of it as TLDR. I didn't mention Mutations or Gene Diseases since there were no problems - for me, they were relatively straightforward and simple. Overall, I enjoyed reading it and learning more about the Abwehrans.

This article is APPROVED, but will remain here for any discussion or objections to the article and sub articles for another day.
 
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