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Approved Submission [Yamatai] The Drakon

IQ

Game Master
Submission Type: Tech
Template Used: N/A
Submission WIP URL: https://stararmy.com/wiki/doku.php?id=wip:drakon_unit
Submission Destination URL: https://stararmy.com/wiki/doku.php?id=corp:drakon_company:drakon_unit
https://stararmy.com/wiki/doku.php?id=corp:drakon_company

Faction:
FM Approved Yet? No
Faction requires art? No

For Reviewers:
Contains Unapproved Sub-Articles? Yes
Contains New art? No
Previously Submitted? No

Notes: First submission RIP. I discussed this with @Wes on Discord. He told me to make them a technology, rather than a race.
 
Last edited by a moderator:

META_mahn

FM of Elysia
I'm sorry to inform you but you've received me as your first reviewer. :p

  • Grammatical corrections:
    • I was gonna type out a big freaking paragraph here but I think it's better if I just ask for permission. Can I edit your article to make grammatical and spelling fixes?
  • It's best to put the Drakon Company history into its own company article and just hotlink it to the Drakon Unit.
  • The Drakon Unit is not written using the standard template. Utilize the power armor template, it's close enough.
  • I do like the power system. In fact, if it didn't overcomplicate DR and make everyone want to scream and throw themselves on the pointy end of a Plumeria I'd suggest it be added into DRv3. Maybe you should simplify the core system, though. The only reason why this stuff which should work easily in a video game but really not fun in text is because in video games you get a nice and intuitive interface.
  • Don't refer to yourself, singular in articles. Sure you may end up with "the aim of the system is to..." but who cares worse things have been approved in the past. Just make sure everything's written in third person. Unless you want some cool user logs. Then do it. I shelve that in as flavor text and that stuff you can dump in for cheap.
 

IQ

Game Master
I'll see to the requested changes. Meanwhile, yes. You can correct my grammar. I tried my best to watch it. But seems like I missed some mistakes.
 

IQ

Game Master
Updated to fit the template to the best of my ability

Made a sole page for the company

No clue on how to do the core changes. I designed them in this way to make them difficult to use and properly regulate to add to the tension of playing a Drakon
 

META_mahn

FM of Elysia
Okay, let's check the template...

  • You may want to expand on Drakon sentience in Systems or About the Androids.
  • You may want to simplify the listing of cores, instead having sub-articles for the cores themselves (mostly so you can expand on their lore if need be.)
    • Doubly suggested, since if you make a sub-article list like the Mindy Accessories List you can always add more exclusive items for the Drakon units. This prevents the Drakon article itself from getting too long.
    • Using such a list you could also just borrow Mindy melee weapons.
  • You may want to make it more clear that you get 50 extra cores to mess with. This is mostly a formatting thing, you can just place it at the top. I see nothing bad about the core system, it feels like a different way of expressing modular power armors.
  • Your armor tier would be Tier 4 Light Power Armor.
  • You may want to list the public release date at the top of the article. Simply writing "Early YE 40" will do.
  • Are the Drakon humanoid? Please note in the appearance section.
  • Minor grammatical fixes that I'll do myself.
 

IQ

Game Master
Updated according to the requested edits- expanded, added release date, extra description and explanation.

Added a seperate section for core and upgrades, it's pretty much a stub, but I plan to add to it later.

Also added tier 5 armour, as discussed in discord.
 

Wes

Founder & Admin
Staff Member
FM of Yamatai
STO Fleet Member
Hey, I'd like to see a history section added (which can be expanded on over time). Some of the existing content could probably be moved into it.
 

IQ

Game Master
Updated a large history section covering how and when their AI and hardware was developed, how they learned at an accelerated rate and how they were disconnected from the main network. Also detailed their prototype, learning, internal affair, shareholder and ultimately public release.
 

Wes

Founder & Admin
Staff Member
FM of Yamatai
STO Fleet Member
FM Approved. Checklist requested. There needs to be real content after the title header (probably needs some of the about section moved there).
 

IQ

Game Master
Fixed the requested change by dragging a block from the second header; "about the androids" and rewriting slightly.
 
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Reactions: Wes

META_mahn

FM of Elysia
I can't see anything I'd like to call out on, except for the fact that all the systems could be in its own list article. Even then that can be fixed in the future.

Consider it approved.

Edit: Instantly I see a few derpy grammar issues that I'll go in and fix. But it's good.
 

IQ

Game Master
This submission is scrapped. I will not go through with the Drakon Units for the time being.
 

IQ

Game Master
Or... This, I guess. xD

Can't say I saw this one coming after deciding to put it on hold.
 
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