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Rejected Submission [YSS Sakura II] Samael Darkfire
- Thread starter Samael
- Start date
Hey Samael; I'm Doshii Jun, a character mod on the site. I'll be reviewing your character too during the next couple days. I go line-by-line, with a summary at the end. If there's no summary, I'm at work and writing your review piecemeal.
However, in your case, there's little to review. You've written a plain, unremarkable character.
That's not a bad thing; indeed it could be approved as is. However, is it possible to add more? There's very little to go on right now — personality is undetermined, likes aren't explained, no history or family ... nothing.
If it's on purpose, could you please explain why? You're not in trouble; I want to understand the theory behind the character.
However, in your case, there's little to review. You've written a plain, unremarkable character.
That's not a bad thing; indeed it could be approved as is. However, is it possible to add more? There's very little to go on right now — personality is undetermined, likes aren't explained, no history or family ... nothing.
If it's on purpose, could you please explain why? You're not in trouble; I want to understand the theory behind the character.
Samael
Inactive Member
* Personality is undetermined because I tend to have difficulty staying within a set personality--especially after consuming coffee or wine, so I like my characters to be 'bouncy'.
* I'm not too familiar with Star Army as of yet, so I felt it best to keep a minimal history. The less I put, the less chance there is for anything to conflict with the In-Game history.
* I read something about there being a plague killing lots of people, so I figured it would be best to say his parents were killed by that. Hm... Maybe I could make-up some names and put 'deceased'? Course, seeing as they're dead, it probably isn't even worth including.
Edit: I've added a little more to likes/dislikes if that helps.
* I'm not too familiar with Star Army as of yet, so I felt it best to keep a minimal history. The less I put, the less chance there is for anything to conflict with the In-Game history.
* I read something about there being a plague killing lots of people, so I figured it would be best to say his parents were killed by that. Hm... Maybe I could make-up some names and put 'deceased'? Course, seeing as they're dead, it probably isn't even worth including.
Edit: I've added a little more to likes/dislikes if that helps.
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Gunsight1
Potato Salad
Okay, I have had a chance to go over your character and I think he needs a lot of work. Doshii has brought up a lot of good points that need to be addressed.
I understand not wanting to be tied to a personality that you may not end up playing, I myself tend to not fully get a feel for a character for a bit and end up needing to make some adjustments as I get to know them. As written though, this guy sounds incredibly unstable, which is not a good thing for a member of the military.
Background is important, even if brief. It adds depth and something to draw upon. One's life experiences are what mold us into who we are. Lacking those details, we are just flat. Example, you mention in your post above that his parents could have died in the plague, that is a fantastic bit of detail and should very much be in his bio. Little details, no matter how inconsequential add so much more than you might imagine and that one is for sure not a little inconsequential detail. Loosing ones parents to a disease is one of those defining events that makes or breaks someone, changes them forever. That is huge, that is powerful.
Being unfamiliar with this history of SARP is ok, we all started out where you are now and can help you out with that aspect easily. What I would like you to do to help flesh out a background is to answer a couple questions in the pre RP history section of his bio.
Were his parents rich, poor, middle class?
Does he remember his parents?
If so, what was life like with them before their deaths?
How did he take their loss? Was he close to them?
Did loosing them break him or did he see being rid of them as a liberation?
Did he resent them leaving him?
Who cared for him after they died?
Was whoever cared for him then rich, poor, middle class?
What was life like with them after his parents deaths?
What was his adolescent life like?
Was he a good boy, or a bully?
Did he do well in school?
Did he have friends?
Did he have enemies?
Why did he join the military?
Work as many answers to these into a narrative background for your guy. The more real he is, the easier he will become to play, even a personality will grow for him that you will not have to worry about sticking. Just focus on background history for now, we will move on to other things like personality later.
I understand not wanting to be tied to a personality that you may not end up playing, I myself tend to not fully get a feel for a character for a bit and end up needing to make some adjustments as I get to know them. As written though, this guy sounds incredibly unstable, which is not a good thing for a member of the military.
Background is important, even if brief. It adds depth and something to draw upon. One's life experiences are what mold us into who we are. Lacking those details, we are just flat. Example, you mention in your post above that his parents could have died in the plague, that is a fantastic bit of detail and should very much be in his bio. Little details, no matter how inconsequential add so much more than you might imagine and that one is for sure not a little inconsequential detail. Loosing ones parents to a disease is one of those defining events that makes or breaks someone, changes them forever. That is huge, that is powerful.
Being unfamiliar with this history of SARP is ok, we all started out where you are now and can help you out with that aspect easily. What I would like you to do to help flesh out a background is to answer a couple questions in the pre RP history section of his bio.
Were his parents rich, poor, middle class?
Does he remember his parents?
If so, what was life like with them before their deaths?
How did he take their loss? Was he close to them?
Did loosing them break him or did he see being rid of them as a liberation?
Did he resent them leaving him?
Who cared for him after they died?
Was whoever cared for him then rich, poor, middle class?
What was life like with them after his parents deaths?
What was his adolescent life like?
Was he a good boy, or a bully?
Did he do well in school?
Did he have friends?
Did he have enemies?
Why did he join the military?
Work as many answers to these into a narrative background for your guy. The more real he is, the easier he will become to play, even a personality will grow for him that you will not have to worry about sticking. Just focus on background history for now, we will move on to other things like personality later.
Samael
Inactive Member
1. I honestly don't know.
2. Sure, I guess... I didn't find anything about a Star Army mind-wipe policy yet.
3. Boring. Sam had food, clothing, and shelter. That's pretty much it.
4. Sam took their death's pretty well actually. It wasn't much of a change after all. His parents didn't really play much of a role in his life while they were alive anyway. As an accidental birth, he was an unwanted child. He was never held or given affection of any kind.
5. Their deaths neither broke him nor freed him. They rarely spent any time with him or told him what to do. As such, he was usually alone.
6. No, Sam didn't resent them for dying. However, he did resent his mother for giving birth to him. What purpose was there to make a child one did not even want?
7. Sam pretty much took care of himself until the Yamataian government intervened and put him into the Star Army Academy.
8. I assume anything run by the Yamataian government would probably be rich.
9. Life was pretty much the same. Sam still never received any love or affection. However, being in a military academy, he probably had most of his freedoms stripped away and was constantly ordered about.
10. Sam's adolescent life was nonstop military drills and training.
11. Sam wasn't a bully. However, I wouldn't exactly describe Sam as a good boy. He just sat in his desk and kept to himself, never bothering to interact with anyone unless ordered to.
12. Considering that most Sam's free time was used for studying or training, I can only assume he got good grades. He wasn't retarded or anything.
13. Sam had no friends.
14. Sam had no one he considered enemies. However, it is possible some students were jealous of his good grades and hated him.
15. Well, Sam recently graduated from a military academy, so it seemed like the logical thing to do.
However, this seems to indicate that they were wealthy.
2. Sure, I guess... I didn't find anything about a Star Army mind-wipe policy yet.
3. Boring. Sam had food, clothing, and shelter. That's pretty much it.
4. Sam took their death's pretty well actually. It wasn't much of a change after all. His parents didn't really play much of a role in his life while they were alive anyway. As an accidental birth, he was an unwanted child. He was never held or given affection of any kind.
5. Their deaths neither broke him nor freed him. They rarely spent any time with him or told him what to do. As such, he was usually alone.
6. No, Sam didn't resent them for dying. However, he did resent his mother for giving birth to him. What purpose was there to make a child one did not even want?
7. Sam pretty much took care of himself until the Yamataian government intervened and put him into the Star Army Academy.
8. I assume anything run by the Yamataian government would probably be rich.
9. Life was pretty much the same. Sam still never received any love or affection. However, being in a military academy, he probably had most of his freedoms stripped away and was constantly ordered about.
10. Sam's adolescent life was nonstop military drills and training.
11. Sam wasn't a bully. However, I wouldn't exactly describe Sam as a good boy. He just sat in his desk and kept to himself, never bothering to interact with anyone unless ordered to.
12. Considering that most Sam's free time was used for studying or training, I can only assume he got good grades. He wasn't retarded or anything.
13. Sam had no friends.
14. Sam had no one he considered enemies. However, it is possible some students were jealous of his good grades and hated him.
15. Well, Sam recently graduated from a military academy, so it seemed like the logical thing to do.
Yoshi's rather blunt about it, but I support the point.
There's nothing really stopping this character from being approved, no matter how plain/Kirk he is ... but for what it's worth, you do your fellow players a disservice by giving them nothing with which to work. There's really nothing to look forward to with a character like this. I applaud you not taking chances with the history, but we're flexible enough to manage with some embellishments from you.
Give it a shot. Try some things out.
There's nothing really stopping this character from being approved, no matter how plain/Kirk he is ... but for what it's worth, you do your fellow players a disservice by giving them nothing with which to work. There's really nothing to look forward to with a character like this. I applaud you not taking chances with the history, but we're flexible enough to manage with some embellishments from you.
Give it a shot. Try some things out.
Koenig808
Inactive Member
Hi, Master of Metaphors here.
Say you're a sculptor. You're hired to design a statue that is meant to represent the history of a people.
You think "Well, lets keep it simple" and draw up a design that just amounts to a marble plaque that reads "We Rock"
Simple, but controversial in the fact that it ellicits a response of "Well what the hell are we supposed to do with this?"
My advice? Go with the craziest idea you can think of that interests you, thus we have more of something to chip away at and make it believable.
Say you're a sculptor. You're hired to design a statue that is meant to represent the history of a people.
You think "Well, lets keep it simple" and draw up a design that just amounts to a marble plaque that reads "We Rock"
Simple, but controversial in the fact that it ellicits a response of "Well what the hell are we supposed to do with this?"
My advice? Go with the craziest idea you can think of that interests you, thus we have more of something to chip away at and make it believable.
Samael
Inactive Member
I want Sam in your plot because it is one of only two 18+ plots that are still open for new players. If Gunsight1 feels Sam would be a better fit for the other one, then that's fine as well as he is the GM for both.
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The Great Plague of YE 08
Current Year YE 36
36 - 21 = YE 15, so plague idea won't work.
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Yoshi
Inactive Member
well i can tell you as it is now, Sam isn't a fit for either...
you lack of wanting to expand on your character just screams: I'm going to do the least i can do."
The Sakishima is a good plot. Being the one who plays the ship's captain, I know the plot well. I'm also the Co-GM of the Sakura. As it stands I can't advise Gunsight to accept you on either plot.
you lack of wanting to expand on your character just screams: I'm going to do the least i can do."
The Sakishima is a good plot. Being the one who plays the ship's captain, I know the plot well. I'm also the Co-GM of the Sakura. As it stands I can't advise Gunsight to accept you on either plot.
You need not worry about adding in something specific about the plague. People die. It happens in any way you can imagine.
What we're saying is that this is a chance for you to try some things out, to add some life and pizzaz to the character, to give him a springboard toward uniqueness and, more important, to give a GM options about how to handle said character.
What we're saying is that this is a chance for you to try some things out, to add some life and pizzaz to the character, to give him a springboard toward uniqueness and, more important, to give a GM options about how to handle said character.
Gunsight1
Potato Salad
So the intent if my previous post was not for you to post a list of answers here, but to have you craft more detail into youre character's background and flesh them out, make him more real. As it stands though, you don't seem interested in doing so.
As Doshii said, the bio, as written could technically be approved for the plot, but there is nothing to work with. No history, no personality. Your character is a cardboard cutout extra, not a main character, let alone even a supporting character.
If you are to join the Sakura, I want to see more effort put into your submission. Everyone else on the plot work hard to create a character that is unique and special in their own way. It's a disservice to roll in and not at least try and do the same.
Please take a couple of days and rework your character, take the advice and suggestions everyones given to heart and finish your character and I will review him again then.
As Doshii said, the bio, as written could technically be approved for the plot, but there is nothing to work with. No history, no personality. Your character is a cardboard cutout extra, not a main character, let alone even a supporting character.
If you are to join the Sakura, I want to see more effort put into your submission. Everyone else on the plot work hard to create a character that is unique and special in their own way. It's a disservice to roll in and not at least try and do the same.
Please take a couple of days and rework your character, take the advice and suggestions everyones given to heart and finish your character and I will review him again then.
Samael
Inactive Member
Sorry, I didn't mean to do a disservice to anyone. It is unfortunate you have decided that Sam isn't a fit for either. I apologize for wasting your time.
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It seems editing the title of this thread in the first post is impossible, so I will have to post a new thread in order to make a request with a new plot.
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It seems editing the title of this thread in the first post is impossible, so I will have to post a new thread in order to make a request with a new plot.
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Gunsight1
Potato Salad
You're going to be asked to add the same details we have asked you to add to your character here by any GM on this site. Simply resubmitting them in the current incomplete state will not guarantee aprooval elsewhere.
Since you are unwilling to make the additions asked for, I am rejecting your character for the Sakura
Since you are unwilling to make the additions asked for, I am rejecting your character for the Sakura
