Death had seemed imminent--it stared Tesuro directly in his eyes. Its cold breath danced across his neck and coursed through his veins. He stood in the darkness of the bridge, surrounded only by the vast emptiness of space around him he stood in pitch black. Aware only of himself; was this real? Had the Behemoth risen? Thoughts of death flirted with his mind, but he stood unwaveringly. Fear gripped him, but not in the face of death. Death did not scare him in the least. It was not bravery or courage--no, his death would have meant nothing. His death would not save anyone; so meaningless. The horror that gripped him was his passiveness.
"Why do I not tremble? Why do I not cry? Why do I not scream? Why when all seems lost my life does not flash before my eyes--remember those who I love and those who will miss me? When God holds my life in His hand and tilts it so that I may fall, why do I not desperately cling to its folds? My palms do not sweat, my heart does not race. Even in this darkness my eyes do not widen in a vain attempt to see all that surrounds me. Those who must embrace death with me. Who do I have to be here for? What do I have remain for? But I don't want to go. There is so much to be here for; worlds to explore and loves to be shared. Does that not amount to anything? Shouldn't I care? O sweet Life, I thought I embraced you, I know I do. Please hold me and let the fear of Death make me weep and tremble. Let me fall to my knees! Please!"
The power returned. The lights flicked on, though dimly. Tesuro's hands were balled into a fist, violently shaking in an attempt to make him feel something...yet nothing came. Though the threat of death left the crew of the Yugumo, his disturbing passivism to impending doom still lingered in his mind. He looked down at the floor, horrified with himself. Very slowly he moved himself back to his terminal, having stood up, looking intently at the enlarged screen on the main bridge. "They were no better off than us...their attempt to attack shut down their systems...", he said in an unrequested report to Kiyoko. The thoughts he had thrust him out of his "soldier conditioned" mode, and his tone and demeanor returned to his normal self. Shy and distant.
"They...can't fight back any longer. We're...we're safe..." His voice was dark and disturbed. Any listener would likely assume this was because of the close brush with death, but a more attentive person would hear the deeper self-concern in his voice. He listened to Akira's opposition to Caine, increasing his admiration for the man. In the back of his mind, he wished he could be so confident as to assume that their skill was what allowed them to live. But, having felt what he had just felt, he wondered what his motivation truly was. He knew this was not a question he could handle himself, but he did not fool himself into thinking that any other could help answer his question. He could not simply sit and write down his thoughts for this--this was much more complicated.
His terror-filled eyes rose from the ground and rested on Akira. Perhaps he? Tesuro's only other option aside from Akira was to talk to Kiyoko about what he had felt. But she had so much more to worry about--so many reports to handle and important people to talk with. At this point, he did not think he was any more than a one-night stand to her...why would he be anything else? Why would she want to hear about his foolish issues?
He sighed. "Just more fucking questions..." he muttered under his breath. Maybe he could talk to Akira; somebody on his own rank and the only person he had met up to that point who he actually felt he could speak with, though that thought was never advanced upon due to the blunder at the party. Something made him feel that the man would at least hear him out--at least not judge him too harshly.
Now was not the time, however. He knew he was not the only one on the ship who had thoughts to ponder and such. Perhaps after things had settled down he would approach the man...