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Abandoned Character (ISS Brimstone)Maxim Kalashnikov

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Other then some areas needing filled out a bit more, and some easy grammar edits needed. This is looking to be coming along quite nicely.
 
I made a number of spelling, grammar, and link fixes. Please review these to make sure nothing is amiss.

There are a few things about that this strike me as not quite right.

YSS Charleston is a Yamataian starship. Do you mean NSS instead of YSS?

"...his second-in-command, the twins Arnold and Renold Cage..." Those twins would occupy two different occupations, not one. Perhaps they are his right hand men? Or second-in-command and, perhaps, head of engineering?

If he's not old enough, he's not old enough. Rule bending/breaking isn't really something I am looking to approve for Nepleslia for this character, especially since it is said he was accepted based on his family, but it sounds like his family left their military force on bad terms/ the Nepleslian military wasn't even formed when they served for them to have sway in it.

"...left to rot on the planet by the native scavengers..." were the twins native to this planet? The phrasing makes it sound like the native scavengers left him, when I think you mean he was left with them.

Please use the appropriate skill areas, found here.

He should 6000 DA, not KS.
 
I made a number of spelling, grammar, and link fixes. Please review these to make sure nothing is amiss.

There are a few things about that this strike me as not quite right.

YSS Charleston is a Yamataian starship. Do you mean NSS instead of YSS?

"...his second-in-command, the twins Arnold and Renold Cage..." Those twins would occupy two different occupations, not one. Perhaps they are his right hand men? Or second-in-command and, perhaps, head of engineering?

If he's not old enough, he's not old enough. Rule bending/breaking isn't really something I am looking to approve for Nepleslia for this character, especially since it is said he was accepted based on his family, but it sounds like his family left their military force on bad terms/ the Nepleslian military wasn't even formed when they served for them to have sway in it.

"...left to rot on the planet by the native scavengers..." were the twins native to this planet? The phrasing makes it sound like the native scavengers left him, when I think you mean he was left with them.

Please use the appropriate skill areas, found here.

He should 6000 DA, not KS.
Done,Done,and Done.
Just one more fix to go.
 
For some reason I had a notification pop up that your post just now had mentioned me, @Jack Pine which is bizarre
(I won't say anything more on the matter, do not wish to derail this thread but I found this amusing)

Very Nepleslian name btw, love the combination of firearm-related words
 
Seems to be missing the skills section of the page, unless that is not a requirement @Ametheliana ?

https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=characters:yamatai:kessler_ryzka#skills_learned here is an example of a skills section if that helps.

Other then that, this page is spot on so far, looking very nice. Also just a heads up, but the player of this character will need 18+ site permissions to join the selected plot, also meaning the player needs to be 18 or older. No biggie, just need to contact @Wes and ask for them, and make sure your age is correctly listed on your account.
 
RPG-D RPGfix
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