Dragon_God
Inactive Member
Edit: @Arbitrated I've added the reasoning for Elysian DNA in the History and added the Crimson Virus into the 'Footnote'.
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Approved Character [Independent] Azazel Titan
- Thread starter Dragon_God
- Start date
Arbitrated
The Smollest Smol
Nice! ^^
(A fun tip: If you put 2 sets of parentheses around something, it'll make an "actual" footnote!)
(A fun tip: If you put 2 sets of parentheses around something, it'll make an "actual" footnote!)
Dragon_God
Inactive Member
Thank you for the tip!
Dragon_God
Inactive Member
May I please get a reviewer?
Dragon_God
Inactive Member
Technically he’s an independent, though he is in my plot at the moment, so I would be the one to GM approve then.
Dragon_God
Inactive Member
Can I have a reviewer?
-Azazel Titan is incredibly intelligent, however, due to his lack of experience outside of a lab; along with never being told about anyone other than those he was suppose to kill. He has no knowledge of many phrases or of most common sense.
There are several grammar errors. As with the last article of yours I worked on, you don't seem to have a grasp of what makes a complete sentence. I made the article on the wiki for you, but it might help if I note your reoccurring mistakes are using unnecessary verbs, switching tenses (present from past), and adding unnecessary words like "though" which necessitate another clause in your sentences that you drop often. It helps me when writing full sentences to think, would someone say "huh?" at me if I said this in a conversation. Are you conveying everything you meant to? And if you change where you were going with your sentence toward the middle or end, go back to the other parts of the sentence to fix them up to match the latter parts. Without further ado.
Change to something like:
Azazel Titan is incredibly intelligent. However, due to his lack of experience outside of a lab and never being told about anyone other than those he was suppose to kill, he has no knowledge of many phrases or of most common sense.
-Giving him the blend of Elysian DNA to add their regenerative abilities and wings.
Change to something like:
They gave him a blend of Elysian DNA to add the species' regenerative abilities and wings.
-They created Azazel to be a instrument for their biological warfare, as well as being a person designed to pleasure them at their whim.
Change to something like:
They created Azazel to be a instrument for their biological warfare, as well as a person designed to pleasure them at their whim.
-however not being well educated on history or basic social skills.
Change to something like:
however was not well educated on history or basic social skills.
-This lead to him
Change to something like:
This led to him
-Checking in with his Lieutenant whenever it was convenient.
Change to something like:
He was to check in with his Lieutenant whenever it was convenient.
-Being separated from his main battalion and regiment, in order to be more flexible.
Change to something like:
He was to be separated from his main battalion and regiment, in order to be more flexible.
or
Being separated from his main battalion and regiment made his role more flexible.
-Azazel having learned both from Dovania.
Change to something like:
Azazel learned both from Dovania.
-Not being extensively skilled in many areas, although having a diverse knowledge on the entirety of biology upheld by modern standards.
Change to something like:
He is not extensively skilled in many areas, although has a diverse knowledge on the entirety of biology upheld by modern standards.
-Though he is more skilled in the topics of microbiology and genetic engineering.
Change to something like:
He is more skilled in the topics of microbiology and genetic engineering.
-Along with his education was mathematics, being able to calculate equations effectively to assist him with the other subjects that he used. Specifically overlooking the mathematics for schematics and personnel armor for the cult, assisting in modifying and designing their armor.
Change to something like:
Along with his other education, he learned mathematics. Learning this led to him being able to calculate equations effectively to assist him with the other subjects that he used. He oversaw the mathematics for schematics and personnel armor for the cult and assisted in modifying and designing their armor.
-As well as a few AI attempts to use for their ships.
Change to something like:
He also worked on a few AI attempts to use for their ships.
His training also includes a few acrobatic maneuvers he can do for performances that they would have (end this sentence with a period)
He was apart of the engineering team (apart is different than a part. It's actually the opposite, so this common mistake is one I wish happened less. Use the words "a part" here)
Can you link Trade?
Think about making a page for Opšti, please. Not required for this character.
There are several grammar errors. As with the last article of yours I worked on, you don't seem to have a grasp of what makes a complete sentence. I made the article on the wiki for you, but it might help if I note your reoccurring mistakes are using unnecessary verbs, switching tenses (present from past), and adding unnecessary words like "though" which necessitate another clause in your sentences that you drop often. It helps me when writing full sentences to think, would someone say "huh?" at me if I said this in a conversation. Are you conveying everything you meant to? And if you change where you were going with your sentence toward the middle or end, go back to the other parts of the sentence to fix them up to match the latter parts. Without further ado.
Change to something like:
Azazel Titan is incredibly intelligent. However, due to his lack of experience outside of a lab and never being told about anyone other than those he was suppose to kill, he has no knowledge of many phrases or of most common sense.
-Giving him the blend of Elysian DNA to add their regenerative abilities and wings.
Change to something like:
They gave him a blend of Elysian DNA to add the species' regenerative abilities and wings.
-They created Azazel to be a instrument for their biological warfare, as well as being a person designed to pleasure them at their whim.
Change to something like:
They created Azazel to be a instrument for their biological warfare, as well as a person designed to pleasure them at their whim.
-however not being well educated on history or basic social skills.
Change to something like:
however was not well educated on history or basic social skills.
-This lead to him
Change to something like:
This led to him
-Checking in with his Lieutenant whenever it was convenient.
Change to something like:
He was to check in with his Lieutenant whenever it was convenient.
-Being separated from his main battalion and regiment, in order to be more flexible.
Change to something like:
He was to be separated from his main battalion and regiment, in order to be more flexible.
or
Being separated from his main battalion and regiment made his role more flexible.
-Azazel having learned both from Dovania.
Change to something like:
Azazel learned both from Dovania.
-Not being extensively skilled in many areas, although having a diverse knowledge on the entirety of biology upheld by modern standards.
Change to something like:
He is not extensively skilled in many areas, although has a diverse knowledge on the entirety of biology upheld by modern standards.
-Though he is more skilled in the topics of microbiology and genetic engineering.
Change to something like:
He is more skilled in the topics of microbiology and genetic engineering.
-Along with his education was mathematics, being able to calculate equations effectively to assist him with the other subjects that he used. Specifically overlooking the mathematics for schematics and personnel armor for the cult, assisting in modifying and designing their armor.
Change to something like:
Along with his other education, he learned mathematics. Learning this led to him being able to calculate equations effectively to assist him with the other subjects that he used. He oversaw the mathematics for schematics and personnel armor for the cult and assisted in modifying and designing their armor.
-As well as a few AI attempts to use for their ships.
Change to something like:
He also worked on a few AI attempts to use for their ships.
His training also includes a few acrobatic maneuvers he can do for performances that they would have (end this sentence with a period)
He was apart of the engineering team (apart is different than a part. It's actually the opposite, so this common mistake is one I wish happened less. Use the words "a part" here)
Can you link Trade?
Think about making a page for Opšti, please. Not required for this character.
Dragon_God
Inactive Member
Every character I’ve ever made, I was never required to link the language. Why now.
Dragon_God
Inactive Member
So you want me to copy and paste all of the edits that you’ve made?
Sure, that works. Try to remember what I said about complete sentences going forward.
Dragon_God
Inactive Member
Edited and updated.
Alright, thank you. Can you unlink any wip articles? I noticed you linked the language of Dovania recently and put it up for submission, but unapproved articles shouldn't be linked in approved articles. Thank you.
Dragon_God
Inactive Member
I've removed the WIP link on the article.
Approved, thank you for making changes!
