What's new
  • If you were supposed to get an email from the forum but didn't (e.g. to verify your account for registration), email Wes at [email protected] or talk to me on Discord for help. Sometimes the server hits our limit of emails we can send per hour.
  • Get in our Discord chat! Discord.gg/stararmy
  • 📅 May and June 2024 are YE 46.4 in the RP.

Approved Character Amelia Weynolt

Hello, and welcome to SARP! Glad to have you with us! ^_^ Let me introduce myself, I am Fay, and I am just another player, but I do enjoy reading these bios and helping them along whenever I can. :) Here are some problems that I see so far:

1. Having most/all of your family (especially your parents) dead is kind of cliche and looked down upon around here. If it is completely necessary for her personality and growth to not have any parents, then I completely understand. However, how they died should go into the history.

2. Based on her physical attributes, she sounds like more of a Geshrin, then a Nepleslian. However, I'll leave that up to Kim and Doshii to speak with you about.

3. History needs to be expanded by a lot. More meat, please! :3 Why did this Ou Fang kill her family? How did she and her sister survive? Did he allow them to live? Where is her sister living while she is in the military? What was her childhood like before the murder? Stuff like that makes for interesting reading. *nod nod*

4. There are currently two Nepleslian plots: Cirrus Station and NSS Nerkat. The plot for the Nerkat is under tight wraps, but it is a pure combat plot. The Cirrus Station's plot is based around marine guards of a research station... mostly social, but with some combat.

5. Skills are a little bony, too, but I know how hard it is to get more then basic on them. I like the Singing bit, though. ^^

6. Salary is 50 DA, and she'd have 3000 DA instead of KS. DA = Nepleslian money, KS = Yamataian money. However, we don't generally force people to calculate their funds too much.

7. Please put the scar on her chest in her Distinguising Features section, but make a note that it is mostly hidden. Unless you let us see it, we can't ICly know about it without metagaming... or stripping your character... ^^;; That doesn't usually happen... usually. >.>;;

Great start! Keep up the good work! Good luck with this character! :mrgreen:

Edit: Almost forgot! Please place your contact info in here if you haven't already. Also, please create a profile on the wiki and link the url to here. Thank a bunch. ^_^
 
Hooray for four hours of sleep and an overdose of caffene making most of my thoughts incoherent.

I know it's not very detailed, but I was a bit rushed. I've some time now so Ill make some changes now.
 
No worries, Dragonnova. Like I said, it is a great start. We here at SARP always prod our members to take the extra mile in detail.

Also, if you don't already have a Yahoo Instant Messenger account, I'd suggest you get one. Other then the IRC channel, it is the main way for members to communicate with each other off-site.
 
Alright. Hopefully that's a -little- bit better. I obviously have no clue what I'm doing with the inventory, but I've an errand to run now... as well as letting the caffene OD wear off. :|

Edit: Ok... Im back... now for the remaining mistakes... *Rubs eyes*
 
Opening comments:

Any real details about her family beyond "living"; "deceased"; "missing" shouldn't be in her stat table- that's what history is for.

Bra size: To be a 36C (A C cup denotes 3 more inches from the diameter of the woman's ribcage) her bust measurement would be 39 not 36.

http://www.wikihow.com/Measure-Your-Bra-Size

Skills:

Over all, fairly basic skills BUT certain things are missing from the required boilerplate text- mostly being about to communicate in Nepleslian; using hand signals, using radios etc. And being able to use a power armor.

History:

I need to better examine this when I'm not on the way out the door.


Basic starter inventory:

Military, Standard Issue

*
2 Women's Pullover shirts, green, with rank patches on shoulder pads, an army patch on the right arm and a name plate on the left breast

*
Army Patch on right arm

*
4 T-shirts, white
*
4 underwear, white
o
4 bras, white
*
2 Khaki cargo pants
*
1 Beret, green, with flash patch
*
1 pair gloves, leather, black
*
1 pair boots, black
*
6 pair boot socks, white
*
1 Belt, dark green (pants)

Physical Training Gear

*
2 green running shorts
*
4 short sleeve t-shirts, green
*
4 sports bras, white
*
1 pair, running shoes
*
4 pair, white ankle socks

Military Weapons, Weapon Accessories

*
1 Pistol belt, black, with holster
*
1 Pistol, semi-automatic, .45 caliber, with 2 extra magazines

*
1 pistol cleaning kit with 1 bottle of CLP
*
1 combat knife in sheath

Military, Miscellaneous

*
1 pair identification tags, metal, with "name, hometown" written on them
*
1 Canteen, 1 quart
*
1 Rank Patch, Private 3rd Class

Personal Hygiene Items

*
1 bottle of shampoo
*
1 bottle liquid body soap
*
1 stick of deodorant
*
1 toothbrush
*
1 hairbrush
*
1 tube of toothpaste
*
2 washcloths, white
*
2 towels, white
*
1 pair of shower shoes, flip flops

This review is in progress. The reviewer has begun examining the content of the character submission for approval and will finish it when there is more time to examine the content.
 
Hooray, more coffee induced mistakes. *lays head down* Ill fix em. Thanks for the inventory deal though. Again, I obviously had no clue what it was I was doing.

EDIT: Ok, I get the communications thing... but the power armor... where would I put that under?
 
Thought so... Ok. Added a few missing things to the skills, fixed the thing about measurements (I honestly don't know what made me get that wrong... coffee can do anything to me I guess...) Cleaned up the inventory mess, though I still didn't know what the hell to put for weather gear. (Answer is probably right in front of my face too.) and corrected the family info.

EDIT: (*Checks the profile one last time, then goes back into the OCD habit of correcting spelling errors on the wiki pages*)
 
Actually... I'm not sure what Nepleslia uses for weather gear. probably a nice green jacket or something.
 
We're soldiers, we don't get weather gear. If it rains, we get wet. If it snows, we get cold. If a tornado appears, we run as fast as we can. >.>
 
At this time, Nepleslia doesn't have any standard-issue weather gear. If they're cold, they probably acquire whatever's around.
 
I just imagined Rose running from one of the other Marines in the snow telling her, "Look I made a Neko hat!"
 
Communications:
She also learned quite a bit more about the Nepleslian language in the process, as she herself did not receive schooling because of her family's situation.
Click to expand...

This phrasing leads me to believe that she doesn't natively speak Nepleslian. Does this mean that despite being Nepleslian she natively speaks Yamataian? Keeping in mind that we're calling the game's version of English, "Nepleslian" and our version of Japanese, "Yamataian".

Aside from this, and some minor grammatical errors- the non-standard wording for the skills is pretty good and fairly basic for a marine just out of boot camp.

History:

I like the fact that you were trying to describe what happened but not give the exact specifics of "why". But I think that the "play by play" of what happened to kill her mother and create each of her scars was a little excessive; but, that's more of a writing preference that doesn't really count against this character's approval.

I'm rather curious why she has a Nekovalkyrja style prosthetic hand though- Yamataians aren't big on cybernetics like Nepleslians.

This character is pending approval for ic-usage once the person submitting the character biography clarifies some of the points that the reviewer has specified.
 
I had actually meant that she only spoke it on a basic level before she joined the military... I really wasn't sure what to put and yeah, I know.... a lot of things I say don't make sense... *Rubs forehead* I really don't know... Look, what SHOULD I put for that? She is supposed to speak Nepleslian... but... agh.

That... is a quirk of mine. I actually had to tone it down from what I was originally going to put. (Im used to writing injuries or fighting in excessive detail I guess....) As for not 'why'.... That is something that I just don't feel like letting other players know. I mean, yeah... I know exactly why, but I tend to leave a small factor of 'grey area' for others to make their own assumptions... I know I probably shouldn't do that, and I've not been able to break that habit for a while...

Neko-what? *Goes off to read the relevant article, once again feeling like an idiot.* Honestly? It's just her personal preference. Again, it's just another quirk of mine... I can get rid of that if it's a problem...

EDIT: *Looks over her post* Agh. Im sorry I sound so annoyed... I'm not feeling good at all and I'm basically confined to my bed... (Yay for laptops.)
 
To answer your question on languages, she would know how to speak, read, write and cypher in Nepleslian, which is also commonly referred to as the Trade language. Basically, it is English. Yamataian, the official language of the other super -power in this setting, is basically Japanese. Since Earth doesn't exist in this setting, we decided to change the language names, too.
 
*Slaps forehead* I got that, thanks.... What I had meant was that my mind refused to help me come up with something to put under 'communications'... so that half-hearted phrase was born...
 
Ah, well, just have her...

She is familiar with basic radio operation and procedures and can make transmissions to and receive transmissions from other characters through headsets, starships, power armor, and shuttles in both combat and non-combat conditions. Your character is fluent in Nepleslian. She can speak, read, write, and cypher both correctly and efficiently and can write reports, fill forms, issue orders under fire, etc.

This is basically an edited version of the example given in the CCG. It should be good enough, I'd think.
 
RPG-D RPGfix
Back
Top