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Approved Character Effy Penihatolapsoa
- Thread starter Ametheliana
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Since I'm currently also revising and helping author, do you mind if I give you some feedback on the history that you've got written based upon my own thoughts on the subject? It would be adding to a body of lore that's a current and ongoing project.
I'd also like to tag @Fred, since he's the only other elf player (out of 3, now~).
I'd also like to tag @Fred, since he's the only other elf player (out of 3, now~).
Not much that's objectionable here! Seems to have a clear head for intelligence work and there's no crazy history that needs justifying.
Is Effy an operative or an intelligence officer? Or even an electronic warfare girl? I already know the answer but her character sheet doesn't say. It's a pretty minor thing.
Unless you want her to have attended STA-Black Sands on Yamatai before going to Vicky. They're effectively the same, but it's the difference between staying on Yamatai after basic or being shipped off to a frozen secret hideout for your SAINT training. If so, though, make that note.
The history, as Nashoba said, is brief. Absent whatever additions you're making at his request, it seems like her entrance into the Star Army is recent. If it isn't, then put the year she joined and we'll deal with whatever additional SAINT history later on :^)
Is Effy an operative or an intelligence officer? Or even an electronic warfare girl? I already know the answer but her character sheet doesn't say. It's a pretty minor thing.
This should probably be adjusted a little to something like: "She was then recommended for Operative Selection, passed, and then attended INDOC on Vicky."
Unless you want her to have attended STA-Black Sands on Yamatai before going to Vicky. They're effectively the same, but it's the difference between staying on Yamatai after basic or being shipped off to a frozen secret hideout for your SAINT training. If so, though, make that note.
The history, as Nashoba said, is brief. Absent whatever additions you're making at his request, it seems like her entrance into the Star Army is recent. If it isn't, then put the year she joined and we'll deal with whatever additional SAINT history later on :^)
I've always had it in my head that Elves are savants.
My elf is a war savant leading a mercenary house, and Fred's Firiel is an extremely important NPC shipbuilder. Just based on those two examples, I'd say that your character's history is supremely tame.
Another important thing to stress would be; why did she choose to leave Xiuluria? Of the two elves listed, Firiel hasn't actually left; she only poked her nose out for a little while, to give a somewhat abbreviated speech - wowed everybody by simply being an elf (Fred's ability to describe beautiful women astounds me sometimes) and then went right back. Bhelith's reason for leaving is a long-winded tale about betraying some of her values in exchange for power and prestige, and that betrayal burdens her, almost to the point of exile. Elves need pretty darn good reasons to come out from under their rock, so I'd suggest addressing that more firmly.
Compared to the two already-in-use elves, your elf seems unspecial enough that I'd like to remark on it too; I think you're selling her short, or being a little too modest. An elvish engineer is one of the best engineers. Elvish generals, some of the best generals. Elvish wine is amazing; elvish clothing is masterful. As far as the place they're supposed to occupy in the setting, they're meant to be legends from a planet (earth we presume) so special that their simple existence is rarity itself. Firiel took people's breath away when she stepped up on stage. Bhelith holds or has held a high military or noble rank in four countries. So if I were you, I'd not hold back - really let your elf out! The thing that makes elves comparable as a species to things like Nekovalkyrja, which are impossible to kill, garts, who are robust, nepleslians, who are resilient and strong, etc. etc., is that elves are savants. Whatever they choose to put their hands to, they make it theirs, and few can (or should) be able to compete with them, at least academically speaking. Knowledge is their forte.
That in mind, I'd actually suggest filling out a somewhat more robust history, even if its short. The character you've got right now is good, but it feels like a regular character. Something else I'd like to see - play around with the idea of elvish nobility. I usually have Bhelith wearing a circlet. I figured, the more valuable the circlet (the material likely matters more than style), the higher rank of nobility the elf was. What social circle was she? If she was a high ranking elf, or if her family was hereditarily high ranking, then there could be some serious controversy about her leaving Xiuluria. Since you wrote her as a bit of a rebel (just leaving Xiuluria is a bit rebellions, is what I mean), you could also throw in that she's young, curious about the wide universe, and is 'slumming' perhaps - a tale that might actually lead to more elves leaving Xiuluria. How does she feel about that? Does she think about it, or is she young and naive?
You could also turn that earlier savant idea on its head and say (since she's only 28) that she's still searching for her 'thing' that she's good at and that SAINT is where she's starting.
Just shooting elf related ideas from the hip, here, so take what you like and leave the rest on the drawing board. Living history project, and all that.
My elf is a war savant leading a mercenary house, and Fred's Firiel is an extremely important NPC shipbuilder. Just based on those two examples, I'd say that your character's history is supremely tame.
Another important thing to stress would be; why did she choose to leave Xiuluria? Of the two elves listed, Firiel hasn't actually left; she only poked her nose out for a little while, to give a somewhat abbreviated speech - wowed everybody by simply being an elf (Fred's ability to describe beautiful women astounds me sometimes) and then went right back. Bhelith's reason for leaving is a long-winded tale about betraying some of her values in exchange for power and prestige, and that betrayal burdens her, almost to the point of exile. Elves need pretty darn good reasons to come out from under their rock, so I'd suggest addressing that more firmly.
Compared to the two already-in-use elves, your elf seems unspecial enough that I'd like to remark on it too; I think you're selling her short, or being a little too modest. An elvish engineer is one of the best engineers. Elvish generals, some of the best generals. Elvish wine is amazing; elvish clothing is masterful. As far as the place they're supposed to occupy in the setting, they're meant to be legends from a planet (earth we presume) so special that their simple existence is rarity itself. Firiel took people's breath away when she stepped up on stage. Bhelith holds or has held a high military or noble rank in four countries. So if I were you, I'd not hold back - really let your elf out! The thing that makes elves comparable as a species to things like Nekovalkyrja, which are impossible to kill, garts, who are robust, nepleslians, who are resilient and strong, etc. etc., is that elves are savants. Whatever they choose to put their hands to, they make it theirs, and few can (or should) be able to compete with them, at least academically speaking. Knowledge is their forte.
That in mind, I'd actually suggest filling out a somewhat more robust history, even if its short. The character you've got right now is good, but it feels like a regular character. Something else I'd like to see - play around with the idea of elvish nobility. I usually have Bhelith wearing a circlet. I figured, the more valuable the circlet (the material likely matters more than style), the higher rank of nobility the elf was. What social circle was she? If she was a high ranking elf, or if her family was hereditarily high ranking, then there could be some serious controversy about her leaving Xiuluria. Since you wrote her as a bit of a rebel (just leaving Xiuluria is a bit rebellions, is what I mean), you could also throw in that she's young, curious about the wide universe, and is 'slumming' perhaps - a tale that might actually lead to more elves leaving Xiuluria. How does she feel about that? Does she think about it, or is she young and naive?
You could also turn that earlier savant idea on its head and say (since she's only 28) that she's still searching for her 'thing' that she's good at and that SAINT is where she's starting.
Just shooting elf related ideas from the hip, here, so take what you like and leave the rest on the drawing board. Living history project, and all that.
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Late thought; she seems rather young for an elf. If you're going for someone who's been an accomplished statesperson, in Xiuluria, you should probably shoot for 45-80. They're savants by comparison, I'd think, but relations would be more equal in an elvish settlement. That's also still young enough that she would have been born after the presumed 'creation story' of the elves (pre YE calendar, but post that).
For age examples, Bhelith is ~140 and Firiel is...
Actually, I don't know what the hek she is. FRED, WHYY?
Ahem. Anyway, after that, the only other thing that now stands out to me is the reference to the Emperor. I had to clarify the Lord Emperor thing with Wes when we were writing the history (it confused me too), along with the council of admirals; that's an oversight on my part (page under construction). The Lord Emperor was Uesu, and the admirals were from a pre-Star Army time. Currently, the Elves are run by a council of Elders, one of whom participates in the Yamataian Senate. Otherwise, I like your interpretation of interhouse politics. She sounds like a character that would fit right in, in SAINT.
Thank you for allowing me to read and comment on this; like I said in chat, it's helping develop the species.
For age examples, Bhelith is ~140 and Firiel is...
Actually, I don't know what the hek she is. FRED, WHYY?
Ahem. Anyway, after that, the only other thing that now stands out to me is the reference to the Emperor. I had to clarify the Lord Emperor thing with Wes when we were writing the history (it confused me too), along with the council of admirals; that's an oversight on my part (page under construction). The Lord Emperor was Uesu, and the admirals were from a pre-Star Army time. Currently, the Elves are run by a council of Elders, one of whom participates in the Yamataian Senate. Otherwise, I like your interpretation of interhouse politics. She sounds like a character that would fit right in, in SAINT.
Thank you for allowing me to read and comment on this; like I said in chat, it's helping develop the species.
I wrote that she was born in YE 10 and got told I need more history for someone so old, and now I'm getting told I need her to be older for someone with so much history?
You just completely eradicated her reason for joining SAoY ^-^;
You just completely eradicated her reason for joining SAoY ^-^;
The line about how others thought she was "wise for her age," I think, explains her age well. If she had any more history of grandiose accomplishments she'd probably end up becoming an officer. How you've expanded it makes her exactly the kind of candidate SAINT looks for; she's basically a young, smart, ambitious city commissioner who wants to explore and serve her Empire.
That is to say, no new complaints from the SAINT angle other than those minor fixes we talked about. The added history actually makes her a much more fleshed-out character/operative candidate without going overboard.
That is to say, no new complaints from the SAINT angle other than those minor fixes we talked about. The added history actually makes her a much more fleshed-out character/operative candidate without going overboard.
Got them down on paper! Want to check her out, now?
Otherwise, I'm fine with her.Sorry for ignoring this thread for a minute; I had other threads that I couldn't ignore and I've finally come out of the other end of them.
The reason I said that about the age was because of the contrast - I doubt someone so young would be able to completely run an elvish city or suburb, considering the bevy of people who would have been much older, I presume, so that's why I mentioned that. Elves don't readily die. She would likely have been competing with people in their 100's, as a 20-some year old, so I figured that bore mentioning.
Ultimately it's your character. The history and culture of the elves isn't set in stone, so we're writing it. It could be her 'thing'.
Wes is also correct - there's got to be non-notable elves out there. It's only their contrast to other species that makes them notable!
I've run the history section over again, noted the changes, and I have to say that I like her. I've no authority to approve or deny whatsoever, but she looks very elfy to me. Good job. :3
The reason I said that about the age was because of the contrast - I doubt someone so young would be able to completely run an elvish city or suburb, considering the bevy of people who would have been much older, I presume, so that's why I mentioned that. Elves don't readily die. She would likely have been competing with people in their 100's, as a 20-some year old, so I figured that bore mentioning.
Ultimately it's your character. The history and culture of the elves isn't set in stone, so we're writing it. It could be her 'thing'.
Wes is also correct - there's got to be non-notable elves out there. It's only their contrast to other species that makes them notable!
I've run the history section over again, noted the changes, and I have to say that I like her. I've no authority to approve or deny whatsoever, but she looks very elfy to me. Good job. :3
I'll begin RPing with her, now, as a lead-up into Aeon as it seems I only needed Nashoba's sign-off on it.
