ON:
After breakfast the next morning, Ketsurui Sora's data pad chimed cheerily at her with a message from her aunt and Taisa, Ketsurui Kotori. The message was rather short and to the point which simply read, 'Please join me in my quarters, I would like us to talk.' The young medical officer felt a swelling of giddiness as she read the short message, she hadn't gotten a chance to actually have a one on one talk with her aunt since she arrived on the Miharu and she was excited for it.
Maybe this will help me feel less isolated here since I really only have Sumaru to talk to right now. Maybe I'll get a better chance to bond with Kotori than I did with Hanako, Sora inwardly hoped as she went to Kotori's quarters, with an almost skipping pace.
After ringing the chime it wasn't long before Kotori opened the door. Sora's aunt smiled in greeting and stepped aside to allow sora entry. "I hope I did not interrupt your breakfast. Please come in."
Sora returned Kotori's smile with her own, feeling emotionally lighter today than she had been in months. "Not at all, thank you," she cheerfully replied as she entered her aunt's quarters. She took a moment to give the room a quick glance before she returned her attention to the demure figure of Kotori.
Though Kotori's brow furrowed slightly, her voice was amiable enough as she answered: "Good. Come sit with me," she gestured her along to sit with her on her couch. Kotori sat first and gestured for Sora to join her on her right side.
Sora nodded and took the seat to Kotori's right as the elder Ketsurui requested. After she sat down she smoothed out the wrinkles from her skirt uniform. "What would you like to speak with me about, obasan?"
Kotori had been puzzling over what had brought about Sora cutting off a considerable portion of her red hair, but she had to struggle not to show anything overtly to the use of 'obasan' in her regard, even in an endearing fashion. It just... had never happened before.
"Sora, I've called you because I had several concerns I wanted to share with you, some bigger and some smaller." Kotori answered her adopted niece. "I haven't had the chance to talk to you as much as I would have liked, so I thought this was overdue. Before going down to business, though, I'd like to know how you are doing. Your new hairstyle scream to me that something must be up."
Sora took a deep breath and sighed lightly, "I've been doing okay, I guess... I'm still adjusting to Ichi being gone and Sumaru being here. I hoped that maybe a change in me would help me move forward," she replied thoughtfully.
"That's all?" Kotori lifted an eyebrow inquisitively.
The younger Ketsurui took a moment to find the right words to describe the long series of emotional ups and downs she'd been feeling since Ichi left. "I never expected that letting myself get close to someone to have them just... leave would affect as adversely me as it has. It's just a necessary part of growing up, guess, but I'm still not quite sure how to feel. Sometimes, I wish I could emotionally disconnect like Ashitaka can."
Kotori inwardly stored the 'emotional disconnection' bit about Ashitaka to the back of her mind and nodded to Sora's words. "I lived through something similar," she shared.
"The ship I originally began my tour of duty on was the Nozomi scout Mikomi," Kotori continued. "Taisa Rufus Sydney came at about the same time I did to briefly fill in for the Mikomi's commander, whom had taken ill. He liked what he saw in me and invited me along back on his own command, the Sakura."
Kotori smirked at the memory. "Sydney-Taisa was attractive enough, but I was also enchanted by the opportunity to have living accomodations that wouldn't be a cramped bunkroom and to serve aboard a vessel that was more combat-capable than a Nozomi scout. I couldn't realize then, however, how the timing of my transfer would prove so pivotal."
"It was around the time we began more openly confronting Black Spiral," Kotori explained. "During that time, I rose in the ranks because I became Taisa Sydney's confidant. He made me his first officer, allowed me to be his conscience and in turn mentored me into becoming... what I am today."
"Though my memories of him today are a bit soured up, he took the roles of older brother, fatherly figure, commander and lover," Sora's aunt added. "And at some point, he was killed during the Sakura's mission to find ways to counter Black Spiral."
"We revived him later, of course, but his ST backup dated back to just when I had come aboard the Sakura. He didn't remember the time we spent, why he made me his executive officer, and why..." Kotori's voice trailed off and she said more purposefully. "He didn't know me anymore. He couldn't remember how he helped me change and grow."
"Because of the nature of our sensitive mission, he lost command of the Sakura. Before he left, he lashed out at me, slapped me across the face and stormed off." Kotori gingerly brushed her fingers over one of her cheeks as she recalled the incident. "It's the most vivid memory I have of him, the last memory he gave me of our time together."
Sora listened carefully to Kotori's story and heard similarities to some of the things that Sumaru had described to her after she had been lost on the Plumeria; in addition to her own problems. She knew that Kotori understood her pain but she still wondered, "How did you move on again? I can't help but still feel... inadequate since I wasn't worth staying for. I wish he had done something that I could of hated him for instead of him just leaving."
That was a good question. Kotori frowned in concentration and then replied: "It wasn't the first time a relationship of mine turned sour. I think my driving force then was revenge: Black Spiral had bereft me of my mentor and my innocence and I meant for them to pay for it. It's that verve that eventually got my own command, Miharu."
"I've never really recovered, Sora." Kotori admitted. "If I would've had, I'd likely not be single. I've learned that a nekovalkyrja cannot afford waiting for the ideal partner because waiting may perhaps mean dying without having had something... but I'm still not ready to plunge myself in another relationship like that."
Sora frowned and inwardly wondered, Is there no hope for me then?. "Is it just that hard for us to find someone 'perfect' because we are theoretically by nature meant to be more free with our affections?" She asked as she thought back to how Cherry, Hanako and many other nekovalkyrja were.
"It depends on how much you wish to emulate humankind, or how much you accept being a nekovalkyrja," Kotori half-answered, half-speculated. "I tend toward the former, but I understand the latter is more gratifying on a short-term basis. I can understand the advantages, but I'm naturally more serious and reserved so I tend not to enjoy opening up to that point."
"Right now I suppose I could just caress you, lick you in soft places and try to just make you feel better," Kotori raised as an example. "It'd be easy enough, but it feels too spontaneous, too shallow to me. There are just so many other ways to get closer to people and share of yourself than that. In many ways, we nekovalkyrja seem to gravitate between extremes, rather than acknowledge smaller things."
"It's cruel for us to have been engineered this way," Sora lamented, "Why give us the freewill and still in essence force us against nature to try to achieve something greater than existing to be canon fodder and sex slaves?" She sighed again, "Is it wrong to want to be more like humanity or feel sympathy for the SMX for revolting against this sort of destiny?"
Kotori was quiet for a moment. She did not immediately reply. Finally she said: "If it would not be us, Sora, it would be humans. Humans, grown in twenty years from their helpless infant stage to a young adult stage, would go out and risk their lives exploring, protecting, conquering."
"Cruelty has always existed. The unfortunates have bemoaned 'why us?' before in history and likely still will," Kotori added reasonably. "The things you lament are in large part us adapting to the advantages and disadvantages our own existance brings about. It's a matter of perspective."
"For a nekovalkyrja whom may not live to see the next day, living day by day, seizing the moment, trying to make every present memory the best could very well be what they need to be happy. For others that are luckier, more fortunate or more capable... perhaps they can afford being more picky. Regardless of the situation, the grass will also always seem greener in the neighboring lawn."
"There is no comparing pain, Sora." Kotori finished with. "There are only our perceptions, how we cope, how we act to advance our own happiness and such. For all our differences, we are still potentially heroic beings, with our own happiness the moral purpose of our lives, with productive achievement as our noblest activity, and reason as our only absolute."
"I guess it is always harder to live than to surrender to whatever the consequences of your actions or the actions of those around you. I still can't help but feel overwhelmed by the circumstances I can't control. I want to live a nobly, fighting to protect a nation and a life worth the blood spilled but I can't help but wonder if my ideals and those of my nation aren't the same. Things have changed so much but I wonder about the sincerity of it," Sora said softly as she wondered aloud, "I don't know if the Yamatai I see now is the same one I started fighting and dying for. I could feel the warmth of the blood of the fallen on my hands and as I tried to wash it off, I felt like I was cheapening the sacrifice they had made. I have more faith in this ship and our mission than in the bigger picture we are fighting for and I can't help but feel like something is terribly wrong with me."
"People are capable of evil - great evil - to protect the things they care for," Kotori smiled bittersweetly. "Based on perceptions and needs, they will rationalize it differently. One person's hero is another's murderer. In the end, there are less moral compasses involved and more convictions and motivations."
"But - if it is any comfort, Sora - if something is wrong with you, then it would be the same with me." the amber-eyed nekovalkyrja admitted. "After I was robbed of my innocence, I recognized that Yamatai was not a place I wanted to raise my children in. Therefore, I've the ambition to one day sit upon the Imperial Throne. To one day have the experience to lead Yamatai with the nobility, the tolerance and the wisdom I feel such an enlightened culture should be able to spare."
"On the way, I have learned to be cruel, to be ruthless, to be the things I considered evil - but meeting those dilemmas have in turn taught me how precious and rare the qualities I yearn for are," Kotori added. "My hands have been drenched in blood, but I have learned the lesson that it is better to have the blood of my enemies on my hands, than having the blood of those I care for on theirs."
Sora found herself about to smile softly again, "One day, Yamatai will be as we want her to be. I guess all we can really do is just keep to our ideals and keep fighting to change it from within. Leaving won't fix the problem but maybe they'll eventually sincerely change for the better. I don't think I am really strong enough to carry the burden of fixing Yamatai, so I can only pray that it doesn't fall to me until I am mature enough to lead."
The young Ketsurui sighed again, "I guess for now, I should just stick to my personal problems before I try to fix the Empire. I have no idea what to do with Sumaru since I really still hold some hope for Ichi to come back to me, even though I doubt that will ever really happen. But there was some other business you wanted to talk to me about?"
"Can I speak frankly on that subject?" Kotori asked.
Sora didn't like the sound of that question but whatever Kotori had to say was probably extremely important to her as an officer on this ship, "Of course."
"I'll admit I am biased." Kotori started with. "I've thrived for much of my life into becoming more human-like... so I find it baffling to have a human sink down to the level of a nekovalkyrja. Furthermore, I'm not comfortable either with the idea of a male nekovalkyrja or of an individuals accepted in the Ketsurui Samurai whom was not born a samurai."
"But, wether I like it or not, two samurai I've respect for have vouched for Sumaru and Empress Himiko nodded along to his appointment... so there's not much else for me to say there," the raven-haired neko continued. "But what I have left, Hagesawa's service record, still leaves me uneasy."
Kotori's stare turned very serious. "Sora, the achievements this man has done in order to come by your side have been enormous. His behavior seems to go beyond duty, to the point of obsession. Now, I know we're talking about honor-bound Ketsurui Samurai but I've sometimes had this gut-feeling that Hagesawa Sumaru was somekind of glorified... stalker."
The Taisa took a deep breath and pensively joined her hands together before adding: "My being judgmental aside, I would like your version of that story. I want to know what you think of him, and what you want - especially if his presence is something that is imposed in your life, rather than something you would've desired. A Ketsurui princess having a samurai yojimbo is a priviledge, not an obligation."
Sora stared at Kotori for a few moments at the question. Stalker? She turned the word over in her head a few times, Is Sumaru stalking me? I never thought about it before but.. no, I don't think that's true, she thought. "Sumaru is my friend, he was with me on the Plumeria and we had talked a great deal before I died in that first mission. But, something I said to him between that last back-up and my death moved him in such a way that motivated him to strive towards becoming a 'knight'. I guess hadn't thought too much when he told me he wanted to become a samurai to protect me. I thought it was a romantic ideal and the great honor of aspiring to such a lofty and unreachable goal was something worthwhile for him to achieve.
I was so naive and I am still but I can see how I must've felt something for him even though I was still with Ichi and even now I still very deeply love Ichi. I'm still confused by how exactly I really feel towards Sumaru but every time he's asked me if he could come back to me, I've always told him 'yes' and meant it. It was painful to leave Sumaru behind before but we both had work to do When he joined me after Ichi left, I couldn't help but feel jealous of how much he had accomplished while I was here. I felt like I'd been left behind and I was unworthy of the devotion that the man possessed.
I was also reeling from how the man I loved could just leave while my friend could fight against all odds to simply be by my side. I think I hated him for loving me right then and his romantic ideals since my perception of romance had been ripped away me from me and was raw. In a way, I partially resent Sumaru for being here but I don't think I could really bear to send him away after all we've been through together. I know I feel something for him, I'm just not sure what it is right now since my heart is still too full of the memory of Serizawa Ichi.
But no, I don't think it's fair to assess that he's a stalker when I encouraged him to follow this dream, to become my knight when I foolishly still believed that love could conquer all and I could still have a 'prince charming'. I want to be strong enough to save myself but I still can't do it alone. He can't save me from myself but he can still live his dream and serve the nation he loves and believes in. I just am not the princess he thinks me to be."
Kotori nodded slowly. Apparently willing to move on after Sora vouched so adamantly about Sumaru, Kotori asked: "how do you feel about being a Ketsurui princess?"
"I feel like I've lived in a gilded cage for most of my life so being here means so much for me to have been able to make the choice to serve and to live outside of the academy and the palace. It's a pretty cage but I want the skies beyond, to eventually find a place to settle down where I can just be me and not Yui's granddaughter," Sora replied thoughtfully. "I know that she must not be happy with my decision to not be revived in the event that I should die again but I wanted a chance to live a life worthwhile without the fear of living in the shadow of my own memory."
Kotori was listening until a point, where she scowled. "Hold on. What?"
"Which part did I lose you on, obasan?" Sora asked with a sigh making a mental note to be less dramatic next time.
"The part that if you die, that I can't have you revived," Kotori replied plainly.
"...I wrote a will before this last mission stating that I did not wish to be revived in the event of my death," Sora responded, surprised that a copy wasn't forwarded to Kotori by Yui.
Kotori hardly looked pleased, but took a moment to digest the news. "I do not like it. I will explain why. In the first place, it was always my expectation that as long as my ship's computer survived, that my crew by extension could recover from the consequences of any steep risk I asked them to undertake in my behalf."
"It was an handy safety net for me," Kotori elaborated. "A net that helped me come to term at least a little with having to order people to get into situations whom could have them potentially die. That convenient illusion being broken for me, however, is my problem."
The Taisa continued with: "What I find wrong, though, is that there are three important repercussions I feel you might not have had considered before. The first, is what would become of Sumaru if he survived you."
"The second is that I have to weight need against your personnal choice. I might at some point absolutely need to have a medic on hand to care for my wounded. Depending on the need of the mission at hand, I might have my hand forced and need to revive you anyways."
"The third is how this places me in a very awkward situation - though I expect any commanding officer you'd serve under would have the same uneasy predictament. If you die under my command, under my responsability... then there would be the stigma of having a princess perish under my command. How willing do you think this would make me to not put you at risk, something I would ask from another soldier?"
Sora toyed with a couple of strands of her short hair as she tried to come up with a better argument for her selfish reasons why she wanted to not be revived. Practicality was the name of the game. "...personnel has a tendency to lose things from time to time and it takes such a long time for news to get back home. If something happens and you need me, I'll forgive you. I did what I did for my piece of mind, but I wouldn't want anyone to die because of a choice I made because I was emotionally distraught and angry at my family."
Kotori sighed. "Sora, you have a right to expression and decision, I am, however, often put into situations where I have to wring every little advantage I can get out of situations. It does give me a very pragmatic outlook on things, yes."
"If you would not be serving on the frontlines and would retire to a deskjob or civilian life, I would not be balking so much. Can you tell me in detail why you wrote that will, while still intending to serve in the military?" Kotori then asked.
"Life without true consequence takes away some of the meaning of living. I feel that what I am doing is the right thing so dying in service to my country is a sacrifice I feel is worthwhile, it is a risk I am willing to take. Why should my service to my country mean any less or be any less worthy if it means I might truly die? I feel that dying for my ideals makes them more meaningful. I ...think we've lost something that death is an inconvenience rather than something more meaningful. I wrote it knowing full well that I could very well die inside of a Mindy or a Daisy in the middle of nowhere. Why should I be any less willing to die than before? There is always a chance that I might not come back, something to happen to the SS pod or the back-up could be damaged, any number of things could prevent me from being revived. But these are worthy risks to take since what we do is meaningful and worth bleeding, dying for."
* * *
The argument went on for a bit longer, with Kotori eventually putting it to a stop since she had work to do, notices to send, and so forth.
When her niece stepped out the door, Kotori gave a sigh and went to sit at her desk. That had not gone as well as she had hoped and now uncomfortable choices were presented to her.
As she had outlined in the last mission's debrief, she wasn't comfortable with Sora being an officer. Despite Sora's successes, Kotori did not feel that the younger Ketsurui nekovalkyrja had the degree of professionalism required to do maintain the authority her rank represented and do her job adequately at the same time. It felt to Kotori as if Sora was adjusting to too many things at once.
She seized a datapad and glared at it, considering her course of action carefully. As Miharu's commanding officer, it was her task to ensure that her ship ran well so that its objectives could be completed - she couldn't afford much in the way of weaker links in her chain of command.
As Sora's aunt, she also had the responsability over Sora's welfare. That welfare did not necessarily mean that keeping Sora on Miharu as things were and try to keep her contented like that was the best thing to do. Sora wanted to branch out, Sora was adapting from losing contact with her previous lover and Sora was adapting to a friend devoting his life to selflessly protect her. All of that along with Sora's desire to learn how to broaden her fields of specialization, mde for a lot.
Feeling some what bitter about being in such a role, Kotori began writing new orders to Sora, orders she knew Sora would be unhappy with and perhaps resent.