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Approved Submission The Tsumi

IQ

IQ

Well-Known Member
Submission URL
https://stararmy.com/wiki/doku.php?id=species:tsumi
List Any Unapproved Sub-Articles
Submission Faction(s)
  1. Neshaten
Submission Terms
  1. I agree
Submission Type: Species
Template Used: Species template

Faction: Neshaten sub-faction
FM Approved Yet? No
Faction requires art? Yes(?) - Species require art nonetheless.

For Reviewers:
Contains Unapproved Sub-Articles? No
Contains New art? No - still looking for artists to at least get one piece done. Also checking and debating my funds regarding.
Previously Submitted? No

Other notes: Better strap in. This is a lengthy one.
 
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For now, there's some things I personally still need to add to their physiology, how their skin is more durable, yet extremely insensitve for example. But seeing how difficult it was to even put Teryan in a proper template currently, for me, I don't think I'll do that today. It's something I forgot to mention there.

Otherwise, it's proofreading and requesting changes when they arise. I also think my spacebar's broken Dx
 
Dabadaabaddba this submission's really big.

Hello, I am checklist!

[ ✔️ ] 1. The destination URL should be a page in the appropriate namespace and titled lower_case_with_underscores
[ ✔️ ] 2. The article is in the appropriate format and article template
[ ✔️ ] 3. The article follows our wiki style guidelines, including: No forced line breaks, text after each section header, etc.
[ ✔️ ] 4. The article is easily read and free of errors in spelling and grammar
  1. About as well as I'm making it for now. If I had time I'd clean out all the errors and stuff. I don't have the time.
[ ✔️ ] 5. Links to other wiki articles are present as appropriate
[ ✔️ ] 6. The article fits into the Star Army universe's space opera theme and technology levels
[ ✔️ ] 7. Images in the article are hosted on Star Army's wiki and sourced responsibly (contact Wes privately if there's a concern)
[ ✔️ ] 8. The article is original and doesn't contain copy-pasted content from other articles.
[ ? ] 9. The article complies with Star Army's rules in terms of damage ratings, speed limits, etc.
  1. @Wes may be necessary due to the Wraiths' ability to manipulate light to create illusions. Though that just seems like natural volumetrics.
[ ✔️ ] 10. The Faction Manager(s), if applicable, have posted approval for this article in this thread.

Here's some fixes this article still needs:

1. Possibly a re-read to help word flow.

When these fixes are made, please post a reply here so I can re-check the article. Thank you!
 
Added a paragraph I actually forgot to write;

"Tsumi have elven-like ears, reminiscent of the early days as predators. The shape of their concha was to better detect and track sound. Hair can even grown on the exterior of their ears. Another trait they possess is their durable skin and extremely strong bone structure. A Tsumi's skin is far more insensitive compared to the skin of a human or a Nekovalkyrja. Though that insensitivity is a side-effect of their extremely thick skin. Which could almost feel like leather to some. With massive concentrations of calcium and their high intake of vitamin D and K, Tsumi bones have evolved to also be far more durable than the traditional human. Though they're a tidbit less agile as a drawback."

I also read across the article and edited what I could to help the flow of it.

I haven't gotten criticism for the sub-articles, so I presume these are in order?
 
Lemme restructure that paragraph...

"Tsumi have elf-like ears, sometimes with fur growing on the exterior, reminiscent of the early days as predators. The shape of their concha was to better detect and track sound. Tsumi also possess is their durable skin and extremely strong bone structure, their skin being much less sensitive compared to the skin of a human or a Nekovalkyrja due to the thickness that feels almost like leather. With massive concentrations of calcium and their high intake of vitamin D and K, Tsumi bones have evolved to also be far more durable and heavier than the traditional human’s, weighing them down a little.
 
I also feel the need to attest art will be present, though the artist is currently colouring it. Here is a current, greyscaled drawing.

4_armed_girl_by_banzz-dcn8i07.jpg
 
META_mahn said:
Lemme restructure that paragraph...

"Tsumi have elf-like ears, sometimes with fur growing on the exterior, reminiscent of the early days as predators. The shape of their concha was to better detect and track sound. Tsumi also possess is their durable skin and extremely strong bone structure, their skin being much less sensitive compared to the skin of a human or a Nekovalkyrja due to the thickness that feels almost like leather. With massive concentrations of calcium and their high intake of vitamin D and K, Tsumi bones have evolved to also be far more durable and heavier than the traditional human’s, weighing them down a little.
Click to expand...

I refuse to change it to that blasphemy and that's final.

Thanks for immediately pointing that out- changed it ^^

nerd
 
I'm okay with this so long as there's no major objections from the SARP population regarding these dudes.
 
I have technical/grammatical problems as I read:

"6 - Four arms, two legs"
Usually in one piece of rhetoric, you should refer to numbers in one form or the other, not flip flop. I think there's further rules, like, "use a word for numbers below 10 and numerals for numbers 10 and above." I won't make you adhere to that, but you need to choose a numeral or word, especially in such an important page as a species page.

"White, grey, black. Deep brown, maroon, crimson and navy blue." Don't chop this up into two sentences. This is a running list, so use commas where you have that period, then lowercase 'deep'"

Smaller articles I might not notice something like this, but this is already very polished -nice job to the mods and IQ on that- and looks great to me, otherwise.

Warslave physiology (Capitalize the P)

" attached to the spine" (how so? You described the other prrocess, so describe the exact bodily structure here (ie is it just connected through soemthing like a brain stem attaches to the spine? Or is it more like a nervous system is connected to the spine?)

"While there is no legal age, it is often frowned upon in Tsumi culture, and even considered a sin in the Saweyan church. To have intercourse with Tsumi that are younger than the age of twenty. " (Combine these sentences or make each an actual, stand-alone sentence. Neither is a full sentence with each part of speech present.)

"...with the aforementioned unspoken rule." (Is it really unspoken if it's considered a sin? I'd consider deleting the word "unspoken" or rephrase something else a bit.)

I think you should wikipedia "theocracy" when first used in your article. The code will be shown down below if I remember.

Modern Karrak is bada$$ and I don't curse often!!!

"Wraiths, from birth on, are trained warriors, assassins and soldiers. Their only directive is combat, serving as the elite gaurd of the Sovereign." (should this be past tense, considering the Wraiths modern application? Also guard is spelled wrong here [in the article], I only just noticed.)

I'm only halfway done, but I will double post ^^
 
"This can take the shape of, but is not limited to claws,.." A piece of punctuation needs to come before 'claws'.

Your OOC Notes need clarification. Say OOC Note: or OOC: beforehand

"...bare-chested african women..." (Capitalize African or delete the word as it's not wholly necessary.)

"...are small enough, yet potent enough to fuel any personal..." (This should be: "....are small enough, yet potent enough, to fuel any personal..."please.)

"...for anything that glows, anything that is bombastic and thus, have various cosmetic..." (You could probably separate these statements into their own sentences, because the punctuation is lacking rn.)

"With metal projectiles, blackpowder and shell casings." (This is not a complete sentence, please add on where you were going with it.)

vaccins (vaccines)

"..., as well as devour entire cities." (This could be its own sentence with a bit of explanation added.)

"It infects the hosts and feeds from them much like a parasite. Causing cancerous growths between organs." (Should be: "It infects the hosts and feeds from them much like a parasite, causing cancerous growths between organs."

"Until the host is torn apart from the inside and becomes an abomination of flesh." (You don't have a complete thought in this sentence. You need a main clause [subject+verb+express a complete thought] or else this subject is a fragment. The reason for this is you started it with a subordinate conjunction "until" which could be deleted in its entirety [the word "until"] and the sentence would become a complete thought.)

"And it's theorized any living being will be remotely recognizable to their original species. " (Same sort of thing, but different terms. Delete "and" in this sentence.)

Wikipedia link to Patient X as a lot of us know what/who this is, but not everyone.

It seems like I am done. Here is how to link in wikipedia, off the top of my head:

Code: 
[[wp>ametheliana|Ame]] [[wp>ametheliana]]

If I had my own wikipedia article, this code would link from our wiki to wikipedia's article on me. The first example, the link on our wiki would just say Ame.

I think you might have lower cased grief war a few times and capitalized it in others, maybe make that more uniform? Not necessitated.

This is a cool species and I am glad I looked this article over, as now I know about them for when they become widespread or just in RP I'm in. Awesome creation, @IQ! I definitely tried to catch everything-ish, so I'm sorry if this list sucks to see. A lot of players will be referencing this page, though, and it should be tip-top. I am sure Meta can continue on with the review, unless it's over? I just needed to make sure this article is all it can be, though!! Great concept and I really like the cool intrigue around them that I am picking up, despite you explaining them well on this wiki page. That isn't easy to do!
 
You see why I gave up doing EVERY LAST THING in the grammatical corrections. XD

If I had my way there would be so many word flow fixes you don't even know. But that would drive me insane. Really wish I had a few extra people helping me with the repair at the very least, so yay thanks for your work.
 
RPG-D RPGfix
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