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Approved Submission USC awaiting approval

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@Ametheliana I'd like to informally request another NTSE member to review the submission as per site rules as told to me by @Jack Pine . This decision is based upon potential bias on both parties given this thread was the reason we had an issue in the past anyways. In the spirit of objectivity, I believe someone else should do the review. @Syaoran
 
Does the setting need a random generic human space empire? As a community member, I'm concerned that this sort of thing might "unbalance the setting or overshadow the played factions" — which is something our faction page's guidelines advises against — due to it being created with a population of 5 billion with a bunch of constituent worlds. Additionally, a lot of its description has real world comparisons and references rather than original ideas, which seems kind of lazy. If it's meant to be an offshoot subset of the civilization that is stuck in the SARPiverse, then maybe write it from the perspective of where they are in this universe rather than the parts we'll never see. From what I understand, it's based out of a small fleet, so there's no need to talk about 5 billion citizens in the infobox or talk about their government in another galaxy. Who governs the fleet? What's this fleet's culture and population? Stuff like that seems more relevant because it doesn't circumvent the faction buildup guidelines.
 
The later portion of what Raz says is actually what I'm going to get at @Rascaldees . I am aware somewhat of what the plan is from the faction, having a small portion of the original USC enter SARP and start to grow into a faction. There is nothing wrong with that, but as Raz mentioned, you need to write the article as relevant to SARP, not things that aren't here. You can mention the stuff they hold in in the parallel universe in their history and talk about how big it used to be other there. But everything other than the history section should be in the state you have planned out for when they start their existence as a faction in SARP. This might require a little future planning, but for the most part you should have planned out already what that is going to look like.
 
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans. - Unknown

I plan to add to their history and compound it with the history they bring from their universe. The idea of their history is that other players may glean what they are like so they may make their own characters.

With that in mind would it be more prudent to add history as it comes and shelf the faction... template... for now? By that I mean have it approved later when they have more history here in this universe?
 
History is something that frequently updates for factions. So add the stuff that has already happened. Even if ICly no one knows it in setting, the wiki articles are supposed to be 'omniscient'. The rest of the article though needs to be what you want the 'starting state' of the faction to be.
 
Okay starting from the top. For formation year, put when it was formed in SARP. Also you reference the NDC, but you never link to it's article, so people aren't going to know what that is. Next the species...you don't need to finish them before submitting, but every species you have is going to need to have an article to get approved. The next big concern is government...the way it's written is not concrete. Like the history and numbers you need to write that as it's going to be once the faction is approved. It needs to be something concrete about what the running government is like. Lastly for big things, the history. You're gonna need to write more about their past, if you're going with the alternate universe angle you need to talk about What they used to be there and how they got here.
 
  • None of what we went over is in the 'government' section did you not update it with the stuff you wrote out?
  • In culture, technically everyone is 'alien' so the word doesn't really fit. You can say something like it 'centers around human culture with other species having a heavy influence' or something like that.
  • Also I'm not sure but I think there is some comparative language about the schools reference earth standards. "...teachers are hired more cheaply but have much more complex equipment than most publicly offered schools. " As earth doesn't 'exist' in this setting there is no comparison for this and causes confusion. For this statement and the rest of the article, try to write it without comparing things to 'earth standard'
  • The last paragraph of culture, which is the stuff that was missing in government. As mentioned in discord, portions of that belong in government, not all of it is culture. The first sentence doesn't even belong, and if you feel it must be kept that information needs to be in history.
  • History, you don't need to go into the specifics of what was put up in the agreement, nor do you need the specifics of the time it took to construct the station (which would likely change anyway once we know the exact data on said station)
  • The fifth paragraph of history and on is government data
  • General: Links to all factions (NDC, Yamatai, Dovania) mentioned in the article need to be added.
  • The founding year needs to be set for when it was founded in SARP
  • The species in the faction are all going to need to be linked to their appropriate pages (so species that do not have pages yet you might want to remove until their pages are done, and just list something like "several other species" and just add them as you finish the pages(make sure to post here when you add them
Because there is so much that needs to be forked on in terms of content, I have yet to do a grammar and spelling run, because of wording is going to change.
 
Edited again. The government area specifically is giving me trouble but I think it's working now. The rest has also been updated.
 
Rascal the reason I suggested rewriting the government section in discord is because you cut paragraphs from different places over the page so they do not flow together naturally. It is hard to put into words how to fix the different parts, but the way it is currently written feels very haphazard and there doesn't appear to be an 'order' to which you go down through the explanations. I know it feels like I'm asking a lot, but it's one of the most important spots on this page to understand clearly.
 
Are you looking for subheaders within the government section, @Syaoran ? Ones that delineate things like the government in this universe and the government from their home system? I feel like that would be a good step towards finding order within it, but if there's anything else specific you have in mind, I think Rascaldees is all ears.
 
Page updated. I hope it helps. On a side note I think I should mention that the UCS intend to keep their style of government the same.
 
Alright first the government part
  • That first sentence under government header. You can remove that. Instead use that section to explain how many 'members nations' are currently part of the government. It's also an option to just move the Overview up here and use it as a summary before explaining in detail.
  • Second paragraph under federal; The phrase 'supreme law of the cosmos' either needs to be removed, or made clear that the document it actually titled "Supreme Law of the Cosmos; The Constitution". Otherwise it sounds like you're calling your government's code better than the rest of the ones in the setting.
  • Second paragraph under federal; "With this they use the Marine Corps and the Navy." Is a bad sentence It just doesn't flow, attach this information to another sentence or expand this sentence t have included context. These are the kinds of sentences I was talking about that don't make it flow and things should be rewritten.
  • Second paragraph under federal; You don't explain what the purpose of the Marines and Navy are really. Technically this should be under military info but it's not there either. The details about Local government armies should be there too.
  • First paragraph Local government; First sentence just plain has no closure to it. I know it's the Solaris system, but this sentence doesn't say that, and leaves itself unfulfilled
  • First Paragraph Local Government; "Citizens can expect to live in a world where the merits of their work are what matters most and where the hardest workers can achieve whatever they desire. " has nothing to do with government
  • First paragraph Local Government; you mention planetary and system governments, but you do not explain their relationship to one another.
  • Second paragraph Local; "instead being given the task of influencing other politicians to convince them that their represented peoples are right in order to send them back to their own peoples to convince them that the other side is correct if a law should be passed or not. " this sentence in unclear, are you saying that their job is to convince other politicians of the same level to get the citizens they represent to vote the same way? Or are you saying they are convincing higher tier politicians to try and vote something into law at a higher branch of government? This might require changing up the wording in the first half of the sentence for clarity.
  • Second Paragraph local; "This law of course, will not be present over the entirety of the planet but instead that local area. " Change the start of this to be more clear that you're talking about a law passed the way of the previous sentence.
  • Thrid paragraph Local; This is federal information, why is it in the local section?
After the government section is fixed up the next thing will be describing the different military forces in the UCS. It doesn't have to be full details but you need to summarize the different levels (faction, and local) and their purpose. This can be put in smoothly into the military section. And you can tell us which military does the listed stuff belong to.
 
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