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Approved Submission [Valsh'Nar Empire] Species

Riko

Riko

Part Time Llama, Full Time Dude
Inactive Member
Submission Type: More than likely hostile alien species
Submission URL: https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=valsh_nar-empire:species

Faction: Valsh'Nar Empire
FM Approved Yet? No?
Faction requires art? Would like some eventually

For Reviewers:
Contains Unapproved Sub-Articles? Yes
Contains New art? No
Previously Submitted? (Yes/No; explain reason if rejected)

Notes:

List of the Species that make up the VNE as well as some notes on culture and such for each.
 
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Alright, even after talking it out on the IRC, there's one all-important question that'll determine how this review is going to go, and I need an answer @Riko - is this going to be an NPC or PC faction? By default, I'd review it to the standard of a PC species, but I do not want to make assumptions. Especially since it could mean a lot more work for you.
 
I originally designed it as an Neutral/Hostile NPC faction, I was on track with you reviewing it as a PC faction
 
Ok, since we're going at this from an NPC perspective instead, the Kudah are looking alright. The biggest change you'll need to make though, is to the text box that's in there. It's pretty clunky, and can just be integrated into the rest of the text. If you're worried about key points being missed or overlooked, you could try having a few brief bullet points at the bottom. Psi abilities were phased out of the setting out of concerns regarding power gaming and so forth, but, I believe would have more use than harm.

Moving on to the Karshvick though, I think they need some more polish in the appearance section. The roach and mantis are very different in appearance, and though it's clear this one walks on two legs, we're left guessing as to how the body is shaped since both are mentioned. You'll have to clarify that. The body plates, I'm guessing are Level IIIA, Level III or Level IV in modern terms? If they're useful as armor, they'll need a DR. Next, names and leadership would go into their own culture article elsewhere.
 
OK got rid of the text box on the kudah, (spacing error was wondering how it got there in the first place) and added a PDR for the Karshvick armor and moved the names and leadership. I'm a bit confused though as what you mean by body shape?
 
The article mentions their looks are a cross between roach and praying mantis? The roach's body is fairly straightforward, but the mantis has elongated sections which are set at an angle so that it 'stands'. How is the body of the Karshvick set up?
 
ok made a few changes on the body, added that it was cockroach based in the description.
 
Alright, there's still some grammar that could use some work with the Karshvick, but the contents of the article itself are ok. Moving on to the Zazeku, I suggest not using the word 'sets'. Instead, use something that better defines the quantity such as 'pair' for an example, or just skip that altogether and say how many limbs it has. The reason for that is because a 'set' can be anything in quantity. A set of two, three, four, and so forth for an example. I also point out the same thing regarding DR as with the last one too - since it seems that armor is a major part of this, I suggest it be given one. For both, link to the DR page would be very nice as well.

As a side note, blood color for each would be a nice addition which would better flesh out how any combative encounters would go. I would also like to point out that with all of them, anything with their organ layout that's different than a human should be pointed out in the physiology section, otherwise, people will assume they're relatively human when cut open.
 
Ok added the DR to both the karshvick and the Zazeku also made a Psyiology part for the Zazeku.
 
Yes, the Zazeku is essentially a close support vehicle, abet a living one. If its too powerful or something I can tweak it
 
Well, we have several options. If it more closely fits the faction's theme to be fully organic, I suggest you go into more detail regarding the composition of its defenses. For an example, the Gwyllgi pretty much grows ballistic polymer like it's keratin or chitin, both of which are naturally occurring polymers. Alternatively, you could have a much lower ADR rating of around 5, and have that supplemented by suits of armor when in combat similar to how some GMs have portrayed Mishhu Crabs - tough to start with, and even tougher when serious.

I also suggest checking the DR link to make sure it works, and have it separate as a bullet point at the bottom of the paragraph.
 
sorry for the lack of getting stuff worked on but had a busy holiday week(s) with well holiday and starting a new job. I should have some stuff done this week.
 
ok fixed that section by adding a blurb about their molecular structure helping with it, also dropped the dr from 20 to 15 (then back up to 20 with the adding of extra armor respectfully). Also added the DR correctly, was missing a bracket set on each.
 
@Riko

Ok, starting off small, I just noticed something on the splash page with the species listed. You'll want to clean up the final sentence there for the Zazeku since it's a bit jumbled. Of course, this is also the opening sentence to their actual page as well, so you'll need to fix it too.

Next, you'll have to take the physiology and DR stuff out of the appearance section and put it into the physiology, since the appearance is supposed to just focus on how it looks. The natural armor is getting there, but it's still pretty unclear just why it's as tough as it is, as well as what it even is. You don't need to go into extraordinary detail, and we don't want to leave it too vague either. We're looking for an in-between. Assuming it's chitin for an example, you could say that it's either been modified to grow to this toughness, or has evolved to this point. The technobabble regarding its molecular structure and all that is simply decoration or fluff and isn't the most important part. Keep in mind that defining or comparing the armor to something gives it more perspective, since the key is knowing what it is like when RP'd.

Additionally, the steel equivalency you included will have to change, since the stuff in the setting is quite a lot tougher than that. I suggest comparing it to durandium or ADNR for an example.
 
Ok made a few changes, tried to get an in between on the description and also changed up the wording on the splash page/zazeku page.
 
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