Jace
Inactive Member
Here's the link to my character https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=characters:yamatai:jace&#physical_characteristics if you see something wrong plz msg me about it
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Rejected Character My character
- Thread starter Jace
- Start date
Jace
Inactive Member
@Nightowl we have only discovered ones that have been raised on their own you would never know if they could be nice because their living on one rule right now survive what if that wasn't a issue then they actually might be some what nicer especially if he was raised to be nice by some one else who isn't a rixxcor
Jace, you might want to talk to Wes about that before you overturn the purpose that he created the species for. If you want to play "nice PC", then maybe you might want to choose a "nice" faction instead? You ever watched the movie "Firefox"? To use the weapons of the plane, the protag had to "think Russian". If you want to play a Rix, you'll have to "think amoral". That is why it is called "Role Play", not "Me Play".
Character history is a bit sparse. Unlike a Neko this character has been alive for 18 years. We have nothing listed except for the last year. Where was he born, you say his parents were in the service. How present were they in his life. These are things that shape a person.
Personality is likewise very sparse. You are describing his mood and basically that fits for most people. Most of us are in a good mood until we aren't. Personality should reflect some of the things that molded him. If his parents were away in the service, did this help to make him an independent person. Or did he resent their being away, making him not fond of the military.
Skills definitely need fleshing out. I made a link to the common saoy link. Things like your Combat skill should say something like In addition to the training he received by the SAOY he has been trained with a Katana.
Communications can be removed because the SAOY common covers it. The only reason to keep it would be if he was proficient in some other languages.
Hand to Hand - Remove its part of the Common skills
As for the medical, two things, if his mother was teaching him that should mentioned in his history.
I suggest that you look at https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=guide:skills on how to write skills you will find one for medical there.
Personality is likewise very sparse. You are describing his mood and basically that fits for most people. Most of us are in a good mood until we aren't. Personality should reflect some of the things that molded him. If his parents were away in the service, did this help to make him an independent person. Or did he resent their being away, making him not fond of the military.
Skills definitely need fleshing out. I made a link to the common saoy link. Things like your Combat skill should say something like In addition to the training he received by the SAOY he has been trained with a Katana.
Communications can be removed because the SAOY common covers it. The only reason to keep it would be if he was proficient in some other languages.
Hand to Hand - Remove its part of the Common skills
As for the medical, two things, if his mother was teaching him that should mentioned in his history.
I suggest that you look at https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=guide:skills on how to write skills you will find one for medical there.
Rizzo
Well-Known Member
Greatest SAINT agent EVER
@Jace I know this seems like a daunting task, and it kind of is. Creating a person is not an easy thing to do. I don't mind current character is it 100% complete, time and thought into his history. You could use mine as an example(and only an example) to get an idea of what it should look like when mostly completed.
@Jace I know this seems like a daunting task, and it kind of is. Creating a person is not an easy thing to do. I don't mind current character is it 100% complete, time and thought into his history. You could use mine as an example(and only an example) to get an idea of what it should look like when mostly completed.
Rizzo
Well-Known Member
Also, refer to the timeline. your character doesn't need to play an influential role in the history leading up to our present year, but if he was born before an event happened odds are that it will have affected him in some way. My character was not exposed to all of the stuff that happened before the current year but he was involved in some of it.
Rizzo
Well-Known Member
My character is approved, but when I say that it isn't done what I mean is that I have a tendency to change things more frequently than necessary(its format, not information). Go ahead and use that character sheet as an example of what your history should look like.you need information for your characters background because he wasn't just doing nothing his entire life. For example, in my characters background he was once in the military but then went to work as private security. He is now reenlisted in the military.your background needs to have some information to it. Tell us about his life, what employment he's had, events that shaped him. Stuff like that gives a character depth
Fred
Retired Staff
This thread is now over 50 posts long.
This is actually a good thing. I commend the newcomer on his open mindedness and being so receptive to feedback.
I also commend everyone whom has come to lend an hand in making his character both a reality and help make him belong in this universe.
Well done. Keep it up
This is actually a good thing. I commend the newcomer on his open mindedness and being so receptive to feedback.
I also commend everyone whom has come to lend an hand in making his character both a reality and help make him belong in this universe.
Well done. Keep it up
OKay, I have corrected the Inventory and added a Personal MT-G1-1a PHC, having deducted the cost from his starting cash.
I also moved his 'robot' dog to Personal.
Since Jace is going to be carrying a Medical kit around he has a PMS-1 which he can use for diagnostics so Rex doesn't need that function.
Jace,
As for skills a character can start with up to seven, the Standard SAOY count as four, and the medical you added takes you to five. Cooking makes it six. So you have one open slot, but you do not need to choose that now. I would suggest that you might want to add some additional verbage to the cooking. For example. Jace is proficient in cooking basic meals and some complex dishes. He knows how to plan a menu, and adapt to what ingredient he has on hand.
Other than that, this character is pretty much ready to go.
I also moved his 'robot' dog to Personal.
Since Jace is going to be carrying a Medical kit around he has a PMS-1 which he can use for diagnostics so Rex doesn't need that function.
Jace,
As for skills a character can start with up to seven, the Standard SAOY count as four, and the medical you added takes you to five. Cooking makes it six. So you have one open slot, but you do not need to choose that now. I would suggest that you might want to add some additional verbage to the cooking. For example. Jace is proficient in cooking basic meals and some complex dishes. He knows how to plan a menu, and adapt to what ingredient he has on hand.
Other than that, this character is pretty much ready to go.
Reynolds
Well-Known Member
Alright, starting from the top...
- You need to create the 'jace' user page and fill it out.
- You need to put in the metric conversion of his height and weight.
- The species, organization, occupation and rank should all be links to the proper wiki entries.
- The personality section needs to be at least a few sentences longer. "Doesn't like it when some one he get close to dies." That is pretty generic, and I'd be surprised if it doesn't apply to almost everyone.
- There are still lots of capitalization and spelling/grammar mistakes. "To make it on the heartbreaker and to be as efficient as can be while on it, make as much friends as possible..." That's just an example, they're all over the place, and you really need to look through everything and correct these mistakes. This is one of the first things I pointed out and hasn't really improved.
- How did his parents die? Were they Nepleslians, Geshrin, Minkan, etc.? What's his chef friend's name?
- I would really appreciate more history in general, another couple of sentences would be nice. Unlike a Neko, he's been around for 18 years. There's been several wars fought during that time.
- The Inventory section is messed up at the top, look at Candon's to see how it should appear.
- You need to edit Rex's description to remove the information Nashoba already pointed out was unnecessary.
- Again, please, please, please go through and fix the capitalization, spelling and grammatical errors. We're communicating solely through writing here, so if you can't spot these problems and fix them, it's going to be a problem.
Yoshi
Inactive Member
After reading this whole thread, I have a few questions. I first made a few inquiries via PMs to a few players, I have to wait to see their answers.
I would like to know a few things from you:
1. Why the sudden change of heart on what plot you are applying for?
2. I see information for only 17% of his life. He was born. He went on a trip, and got a AI dog. Learned to cook. Family all died suddenly with out reason. Worked as a cook. Joined the Military. What about school? Childhood friends? Illness and injuries as a child? Did he graduate high school, or attempted any college?
3. I was the first to respond to your thread here, just over a week ago. I mentioned you needed a user page, (the red link at the top of the page that has your name on it.) This has not been completed. This is a requirement for all players.
4. There has been at least three posts in this thread about what you need to fix, and though you have fixed some, the grammar, punctuation, and capitalization has not been fixed. I am not the best in those fields by a long shot, but I do expect at least high school level grammar, punctuation, and capitalization, which can be easily accomplished if you did, like had been suggested to you by a few others, copy and past your writing into a word processor. (AKA Win Word, MS Office, Open Office.) This causes me to be concerned that you don't want to take the time to fix it for your character sheet, you won't even remotely bother when you are posting in the plot. Is there a reason you have been ignoring or skipping this step?
These must be addressed before I continue looking at the character page. I apologize if this is blunt, but I hate ambiguity and want to get right to the core of the matter.
I would like to know a few things from you:
1. Why the sudden change of heart on what plot you are applying for?
2. I see information for only 17% of his life. He was born. He went on a trip, and got a AI dog. Learned to cook. Family all died suddenly with out reason. Worked as a cook. Joined the Military. What about school? Childhood friends? Illness and injuries as a child? Did he graduate high school, or attempted any college?
3. I was the first to respond to your thread here, just over a week ago. I mentioned you needed a user page, (the red link at the top of the page that has your name on it.) This has not been completed. This is a requirement for all players.
4. There has been at least three posts in this thread about what you need to fix, and though you have fixed some, the grammar, punctuation, and capitalization has not been fixed. I am not the best in those fields by a long shot, but I do expect at least high school level grammar, punctuation, and capitalization, which can be easily accomplished if you did, like had been suggested to you by a few others, copy and past your writing into a word processor. (AKA Win Word, MS Office, Open Office.) This causes me to be concerned that you don't want to take the time to fix it for your character sheet, you won't even remotely bother when you are posting in the plot. Is there a reason you have been ignoring or skipping this step?
These must be addressed before I continue looking at the character page. I apologize if this is blunt, but I hate ambiguity and want to get right to the core of the matter.
