Jace
Inactive Member
Here's the link to my character https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=characters:yamatai:jace&#physical_characteristics if you see something wrong plz msg me about it
-
If you were supposed to get an email from the forum but didn't (e.g. to verify your account for registration), email Wes at [email protected] or talk to me on Discord for help. Sometimes the server hits our limit of emails we can send per hour.
-
Get in our Discord chat! Discord.gg/stararmy
Rejected Character My character
- Thread starter Jace
- Start date
Jace said:
Please do not abbreviate "you" as "u" for wiki articles.
Jace said:
Did his parents die while they were in the service or while he was? This is confusing. Also: how did they die? Capitalization on "mother" is required for the second sentence here.
Jace said:
Impressive, but doubtful. Knowing about what languages are in the setting and what any particular character should know is actually a huge pain for new people, so here's a good base to start with: As a Yamataian character, Jace knows Yamataian for sure, and likely Nepleslian. If there are other exotic languages you'd like, you should probably list them in specific.
All in all I'd say you should give the whole thing a once over for grammar and such. I highly recommend looking at other characters pages to get a good idea of how to diversify the writing, especially when it comes to your skills. You mention the Heartbreaker plot and that one has a good cast of characters if you want a small sample to look through in specific. Also it might help you get a good idea on how to beef up some of the shorter, more sparse descriptions.
Heartbreaker just lauched and I'm not 100% on whether Reynolds is picking up new crew at the moment. When one of the character mods hits this thread, they should have a better idea of what plots are open and seeking new members currently.
I'm out at the moment, so I was going to wait to give it a good review when I got back, but I gave it a quick glance and it's still rife with grammar issues and some spelling errors. More effort is likely going to be required at this very basic level before we can get to tips on how to improve the character.
Rizzo
Well-Known Member
this guide has plenty of helpful info but to get a good understanding of the setting you'll need to practice the art of search-fu in the wiki. Also, reading the timeline is the best way to make a character background. I'd recommend NOT making your first character a representation of yourself for many reasons, most revolving around the possibility of death. If you need any info just ask but most of us are adults with jobs so your going to have to do your own legwork but if you join the right thread it'll be very rewarding.
Reynolds
Well-Known Member
Yeah, I'm happy to welcome a new person, but there's not much I can do to help at this point. Like Revolver said, if you can't look at it and see the simple errors and fix them yourself, I can't really be too confident about your posting potential. You need to slow down and take a long look at it, compare your work to other characters (just look at the ones on the Heartbreaker or Eucharis for examples) and then make the corrections.
This isn't a problem with character idea or backstory or something, this is just a problem with basic writing and editing.
This isn't a problem with character idea or backstory or something, this is just a problem with basic writing and editing.
One thing at a time. Don't worry about rushing into things because there's no plots (as far as I know) looking to get members shoved through creation in a hurry and start. That sort of thing does happen from time to time, but you've got the freedom right now to take a breath and make a stellar character application. Rizzo had a lot of good things to say, too, so don't forget to check out that guide he linked.
Here's a good example from the Heartbreaker of the sort of thing you should shoot for, minimum. In particular, how his inventory is formatted, how his skills are listed and explained, and his history which goes into little bits of detail and meshes well with the personality section to get a good overview of who the character is. Here's another one also from the Heartbreaker. I've picked these out specifically because they're other new characters and aren't as fancy as some of the higher ranked characters in the plot that have been around longer or made by people who have likewise more insight into the background and history of the setting.
Aendri
Inactive Member
Well, since I actually have a computer for an hour or so, I'll scan through really quickly and give you at least a barebones rundown on what all needs to be fixed.
First off, headers and other fields that stand on their own, like the character card, should always be capitalized. Medic, not medic, each of the skills needs to be capitalized, and so on.
Height and weight need to include both metric and imperial measurements. We have members all over the place, so this is just a convenience thing so different groups don't have to try and track different measurement systems.
Build needs a lot more detail. Average for who? Average in what sense? You're being far too general. The goal of the physical characteristics section is that we could hand it to an artist, and they could come remarkably close to what you picture in your head.
Distinguishing characteristics should be changed. This is basically... Well, if we were trying to pick Jace out of a lineup, what physical features would stand out? What would make us remember him? Tattoos, piercings, does he wear his hair in a weird way? Get inventive, this is one of the categories where you're actually encouraged to point out the more outlandish stuff about the character.
Personality needs a lot more, I generally ask for at least 3-4 complete sentences. What drives him, how does he think? This is a great guide for helping you flesh out a character's personality, just requires you to sign into a DA account.
I'd also like to see more on his likes and dislikes. These lists can be HUGE, and are great for adding more little details to help keep a character from feeling bland. You can very nearly literally include anything here.
I'd also recommend some less nebulous goals. Think short term, not just long term. Where does he want to be in five years? What does he want to be doing? You don't have to get specific, but goals should be something that's more obtainable.
History needs a lot more fleshing out and detail. He's been around for 18 years, I'm sure more has happened to him than that. No friends? Didn't do anything in school? This is his life, fill it in.
I'd also think twice about the hospital stuff. He wouldn't have been allowed to assist in a hospital, especially in this future level. Even the most basic nurses require schooling to work, and there is more than enough automation to help in most cases medically. There would be no reason for them to risk letting someone with no training or background in medical stuff help out.
Skills, same general idea. Flesh them out, at least 2-3 full sentences where you can. Explain what he can do. Under medical, does he just know first aid, or first responder stuff? Does he know how to do surgery? Tell us what he actually knows, not just the name of the skill. Communication and Fighting are both included in the Common skills, as well, so you don't need to list those unless you're adding something specific to the training. You should also link to the common skills if you're just inserting that, not just say he has them and leave us to guess what they are.
You need the standard inventory listing as well, either on the page itself, or a link to the standard equipment list. This is the inventory page, I leave which system you want to use up to you. Either way, you should list the extra inventory items in the same manner.
The AI needs more detail, both for the AI itself, and for the body it uses. What is the body capable of, what is the AI capable of, and so on. Honestly, I'd... skip out on that unless you absolutely need it for the character. We don't recommend trying to make technology for the setting for at least your first couple of months, just so you can get the hang of things, and that's basically what you'd be required to do for this.
Just in general, as has already been said, you need to work on the spelling and grammar for the page as a whole. I usually recommend putting the article through M$ Word or OpenOffice Writer, just for the sake of saving you time. The entire article also needs to be written from an outside, factual perspective, just like an actual Wikipedia article. Phrases like "and that's where we are now" and "like I said" don't belong in this. Think of this as god's character sheet, not a discussion.
Annnnnd... that turned out a lot bigger than intended. Don't sweat it too much, mot of it is minor stuff. Just work it out bit by bit and you'll get it taken care of.
This character submission is in progress.
First off, headers and other fields that stand on their own, like the character card, should always be capitalized. Medic, not medic, each of the skills needs to be capitalized, and so on.
Height and weight need to include both metric and imperial measurements. We have members all over the place, so this is just a convenience thing so different groups don't have to try and track different measurement systems.
Build needs a lot more detail. Average for who? Average in what sense? You're being far too general. The goal of the physical characteristics section is that we could hand it to an artist, and they could come remarkably close to what you picture in your head.
Distinguishing characteristics should be changed. This is basically... Well, if we were trying to pick Jace out of a lineup, what physical features would stand out? What would make us remember him? Tattoos, piercings, does he wear his hair in a weird way? Get inventive, this is one of the categories where you're actually encouraged to point out the more outlandish stuff about the character.
Personality needs a lot more, I generally ask for at least 3-4 complete sentences. What drives him, how does he think? This is a great guide for helping you flesh out a character's personality, just requires you to sign into a DA account.
I'd also like to see more on his likes and dislikes. These lists can be HUGE, and are great for adding more little details to help keep a character from feeling bland. You can very nearly literally include anything here.
I'd also recommend some less nebulous goals. Think short term, not just long term. Where does he want to be in five years? What does he want to be doing? You don't have to get specific, but goals should be something that's more obtainable.
History needs a lot more fleshing out and detail. He's been around for 18 years, I'm sure more has happened to him than that. No friends? Didn't do anything in school? This is his life, fill it in.
I'd also think twice about the hospital stuff. He wouldn't have been allowed to assist in a hospital, especially in this future level. Even the most basic nurses require schooling to work, and there is more than enough automation to help in most cases medically. There would be no reason for them to risk letting someone with no training or background in medical stuff help out.
Skills, same general idea. Flesh them out, at least 2-3 full sentences where you can. Explain what he can do. Under medical, does he just know first aid, or first responder stuff? Does he know how to do surgery? Tell us what he actually knows, not just the name of the skill. Communication and Fighting are both included in the Common skills, as well, so you don't need to list those unless you're adding something specific to the training. You should also link to the common skills if you're just inserting that, not just say he has them and leave us to guess what they are.
You need the standard inventory listing as well, either on the page itself, or a link to the standard equipment list. This is the inventory page, I leave which system you want to use up to you. Either way, you should list the extra inventory items in the same manner.
The AI needs more detail, both for the AI itself, and for the body it uses. What is the body capable of, what is the AI capable of, and so on. Honestly, I'd... skip out on that unless you absolutely need it for the character. We don't recommend trying to make technology for the setting for at least your first couple of months, just so you can get the hang of things, and that's basically what you'd be required to do for this.
Just in general, as has already been said, you need to work on the spelling and grammar for the page as a whole. I usually recommend putting the article through M$ Word or OpenOffice Writer, just for the sake of saving you time. The entire article also needs to be written from an outside, factual perspective, just like an actual Wikipedia article. Phrases like "and that's where we are now" and "like I said" don't belong in this. Think of this as god's character sheet, not a discussion.
Annnnnd... that turned out a lot bigger than intended. Don't sweat it too much, mot of it is minor stuff. Just work it out bit by bit and you'll get it taken care of.
This character submission is in progress.
