It was a curious experience to watch another examine her being to say the least. Never had she anticipated that she might be privy to the process of being picked a part and examined like a curious unknown device. Even in a situation as novel as the one she was experiencing, nothing that she had ever expected or predicted, she still found the growing confusion in Kari to be something out of place. There was a certain furtive energy, like someone searching for a lost item that seemed to seep into the proceeding. The answer came intuitively and in a way it left Tamamo feeling guilty.
She could not be the person that was desired, she was something other, something that didn't fit. Then again she was used to this by now. As much as she felt sorry for presenting the Neko with something so alien, she couldn't help but feel a flicker of a familiar hurt, a hurt that was only emphasized by the request that followed.
"Fort Hankou?" Tamamo echoed, "Despite the planet's somewhat inelegant name, Ronica is very nice, especially on the coast there. The ocean is admittedly nicer to swim in than here on Nepleslia Prime. But that isn't what you're asking."
Instead she started to tell a story, faster than speech could carry, more vivid than words, a mixture of telling and showing images, memories, feelings.
***
Eyes opened, a blurry world came into view, sharpening into the interior of a hemosynth vat. A blue hand reaches out questing, pressing against the cool inner surface of the tank, fingers splayed out trembling, searching.
A muffled voice drew the gaze to a woman in a uniform, there was a lack of comprehension even though she clearly sounded alarmed.
"This one woke up early."
Awe, unfettered curiosity, a verve for life, a desire to know, to explore. This contrasted with the nervous requests from the technician (a label only learned later); move her appendages, follow a hand held light. Tamamo asked why.
More nervousness from the technician, an argument with another person not present, trying to shift the blame. The procedure proceeded, responses all green, then the activation serial, "898A0107 6FF69332 498E8921 0BF3C255 94A8AD0 0226EC14 48B89331 10A20FFC 88814A99 96349533 35D90648 756912C4 2BB15668 113AF94 116EE93 12AA99F 4668D112"
As the last digit was given, suddenly something unlocked. A package blossomed in a space that before that moment Tamamo hadn't known existed. A hunger was born with it, a ravenous desire to know, to find out, to continue learning and improving. Suddenly she had a purpose.
Though the knowledge that she was a Nekovalkyrja had also existed at that moment it had been muted. Subdued. Something that she had later learned was out of place. She was shuffled along, the last thing she heard being the words,
"Thank Chiharu she's someone else's problem now."
***
The elation in the memory.
It was the most vivid thing that Tamamo had ever expressed to another, the blinding, ringing, tingling, breathtaking euphoria. The knowledge that there was more information to learn, and the possibility that it could be learned. The raw need, the passionate lust to learn, how happy she had been for the first few days sleeping only because she had been told to.
***
Tamamo stumbled out into the large room, a room full of many like her, but unlike her. Everyone was taller, at least by a little bit. The lights were bright here too, glaring. There was a low rumble of voices, many voices. She could pick out many and track their words, quiet curiosity, worry, uncertainty. They weren't wholly sure why they were here. Something about socializing whatever that was.
Tamamo didn't much care. She filtered her way toward a corner of the room and for her third time started to re-examine all of the information she had been given. There was just so much about the world, what it was made of, what was in it, what the different things did, concepts like warm, cold, burning, freezing, erosion, gasses, liquids, solids, different textures, the words to describe them it was hard for her to handle, but still she hungered for more.
***
She didn't like being here. The others here were more interested in talking about themselves or things like food, or playing, or games. They sat together in groups and did activities, cooperating and bonding. Or so they said. Tamamo for the most part refused to participate. She didn't care about all of the others, not quite like herself. She wanted to know why things were they way they were and what other things there were that she didn't already know about.
At the moment the biggest puzzle on her mind was why she had finger nails, and why some of it was hard, but other parts of her finger were soft. What were they for? What were they made of? She had been taken away from her inquiries and brought here to be with the others again. She didn't want to be with the others. There were so many questions left to answer.
***
"She's going to have to do it again."
"She did that badly? I thought this was socializing, how does one of them mess up socializing?"
"I don't know and I don't care. With her lack of development she is she's a danger to her peers if she doesn't fall into line. If she doesn't shape up we'll run her through again."
***
She chirped false greetings, she bowed the proper amount required to bow. She laughed at the jokes when the others did. She didn't understand. She listened to stories and said that they were funny, or good, or sad the way others had. The others started smiling at her more, but they were worthless things. Why did she care if Myuki, or Kirara thought her voice was pretty when she was peppy? Why did she have to care that others thought it was cute when Yuzuki and Aiko hugged her? What was it worth when Kotenshi thanked her for sharing something she hadn't even wanted?
All she cared was that
they were watching, and
they liked it when she acted like this. If she did this maybe they'd let her back on the network.
***
Disappointment with the socialization had turned to a bitter resentment of her peers and the training staff at Fort Hankou by the time they had been told that they were proud graduates of the socialization segment. They said it had only been a month, but to Tamamo it had been a lifetime of suffering and boredom. Free from the daily requirements of socializing Tamamo had pounced on the chance to spend her free time as she saw fit once again finding joy in the archives that she had access to, answering the ever multiplying array of questions.
When infantry training began, Tamamo was quick to brush off her peers, slipping away from them, refusing to go do things together, and kicking invading Neko out of her bed in the barracks at night when she was trying to read. Even though she was smaller, she didn't let them in, why would she? She was learning both in classes, and out of them now. She was content.
***
Praised by her instructors for her uptake of new skills, and the mastery of drills, she was also chided for failing to connect with her peers. Punished for asking 'why' and sent off. Many tried to get her to warm to them, Aiko, Haru, Izumi, Chiyoko, Kirara, Hanae, Kanon, and especially Yuzuki, gifts, overtures of affection, following her, complimenting her, asking her things, slowly wearing her down. Why couldn't they understand that she just wanted to be left alone?
She started to flee, some chased, others started trying to be at the places she fled to, always they suggested that she lighten up and have fun. But she was having fun, just not when they were there to harass her. Why couldn't they see that?
One night Yuzuki tried to hug her in the showers, murmuring about sharing time together, fun, mutual pleasure, and feelings of passion.
Tamamo had fled into the night, still mid winter she hadn't cared. Weaving through the buildings before finally collapsing on top of one of the armouries, huddling up against a ledge she stared at the sky through tear blurred eyes and cried. This was just one of many similar nights in a place where she didn't feel she could be respected for who she was.
***
They were in high orbit, training in the provided Mindys a rote exercise to prepare for their time as space borne infantry. Tamamo scored a kill, and then... Euphoria. She felt her thighs tighten and the hemosynth insert begin to massage, attempting to loosen the tensed muscle, as her abdomen quivered in reaction.
What had happened?
Another kill, another shot of euphoria. Panting, she surged forward,
what was wrong with her suit? Was this a part of the training program? She couldn't tell. She was afraid to risk asking. She had been taught that she asked too many questions already.
Restraint blurred, pushing the training Mindy harder and harder. The simulated ASBR light in her hands dancing from target to target, weaving between enemy fire and other environmental threats. She killed, and killed, she lost track of the intended goal all that mattered was that it come to an end, or did she want it to end? It was bliss, every kill a surge of euphoria again, it was all blurring together, snuffed lives, pleasure, the goal, what was the goal?
***
She had barely been able to walk after. After she'd hobbled away on trembling legs to find a place to collapse, she'd later be diagnosed as having had a nervous breakdown. Apparently she'd been praised in her absence by the instructor. The best performance seen by a trainee in that scenario to date. Or so they said.
Poor Noa had been the one to find her. After being mauled by Tamamo in a fit of hysteria the poor girl had to be treated for a broken arm and torn muscles in her legs, Tamamo had gotten a week in solitary for it.
Later she'd learned that Shiranui, Miiko, Kotenshi, and Miyuki had been assinged to hard labour as punishment for tampering with training equipment.
***
By the time she moved into specialist training as a medic, and later a technician, many of her initial unit had moved on, scattering to the stars on their own assignments. As well her reputation had solidified, to some this meant a challenge. Neko and Minkan trainees, or even soldiers taking the isolation as a challenge, seeking to claim the title of the one who found the 'dere.' Others turned to whispering and spreading rumours of the mechanical Neko, as efficient as the AIES they used in combat, but as cold and hollow as an empty Mindy.
In the months leading toward the end of her tenure at Fort Hankou, the paranoia had set in, the colour bleeding from her memories as despair, depression, and resignation bleached her perceptions. Everything in the last couple of months to the point that she ended at, her entry to Tenbun Starport was greyed out, muted, and fuzzy. The only sharp points being the chastising of her instructors, telling her that she needed to reach out and connect with others, and that she was throwing away her bright career.
As the stream of information, and memory came to a close Tamamo sighed, attempting to purge the after effects of the recollection.