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  • Current IC Month: 8月 YE 42 (through November 21, 2020)

Rejected Submission VDTF Orbital Defense Star Fortress

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Ametheliana

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1) DR is not V3

2) Need text under headers, "Technical Data (By section)" and "Sector Distribustion"

3) No appearance section present.

4) How many years is the range, precisely?

5) 9.8 million Vekimen (ODSF) vs 5 million humanoid (OOSS) for a fortress that is about the same length and width and height is a little hard to swallow. I also have come to understand that you are trying to spell out that the Vekimen do not need personal space through this statement, "It however has capacity to comfortably house outside contracted help of species who require more personal space, reducing capacity down to 6 million." This statement is a little convoluted. It is both saying that Vekimen don't need personal space, that it can house other species, and that when it does house other species, capacity goes down to 6 million. Think about putting this into two sentences. When you say however in the middle of a sentence, it usually needs commas on either side of it as it is an aside.

6) "...move on nd prosper..." It is and not nd.

7) "Unlike the Origin Station, this one is built to allow for growth, and should there be an attacker, bite back." First of all, you don't link the Origin station, you don't ever mention it outside of OOC, nothing. Secondly, this is bombastic language. "Bite back" specifically. There has to be a better way to say it is weapon-equipped in the intro.

8) Is there a reason the sectors are out of order? Usually one comes first and it goes from there.

9) You write the wrong sector number in the text under ones such as sector three says sector two and sector eight says sector seven. Please rectify this and I will read through the sector information after you have.

10) Propulsion and Range doesn't have CDD speeds

11) Systems should be a bigger header and should also have text underneath it

12) "hiarchy" should be heirarchy

13) Words like Isolated and Fire do not need to be capitalized in the middle of the sentence.

14) You don't need an apostrophe on turbines.

15) "The first station uses a purchased Fusion Capable Continuum Distortion Drive (FDD) for FTL." What first station? It says earlier there are no stations, as of yet.

16) "adiquate" Should be adequate

17) "4,096 Assailant 105mm Auto-gauss Tier 6 Point Defence Canons." I need to know DR of the whole station to know if this is acceptable. Consider this a note to myself.

18) Sector nine and ten need to be up with the other sectors.

19) I and the rest of the site need to know how the Vekimen are capable of making such a thing. Explain it both in this thread and in the article, please.

I will go through the checklist after there is nothing else that stands out before approval.
 

Edto Xar'Sivaree

Lizard Freak!
Everything fixed.

How can the Vekimen build it? Easy, they have connections and money. Their arms manufacturing deal has been going swimmingly to be frankly honest. Who knew selling sturdy weapons at a dirt cheap cost would be so effective? Golly gosh.
 

Ametheliana

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1) "The Station Systems." This is not a complete sentence.

2) What makes this station able to last 75 years longer if cut off than the OOSS is capable of?

3) If you're going to have DR V 2 on here, link DR V 2 above Hull: 250 as it could be confusing if it's underneath the link for DR V 3.

4) "Sector Eight is a Research and Development lab for projects. It contains several hundred test chambers and construction bays. Its computers are segregated from the main system, to promote secrecy, and a high level of clearance must be obtained to enter Sector Seven." Please fix this error.

5) Dimensions should be its own header instead of it being arms. Arms should be underneath dimensions, not above it.

6) "First under construction. OOC Start Date February 24th. Completion Date: April 24th. This falls in line with Military build-up, and is implied in This Thread" In submission reviewers' guide it states: "[ ] The in-character year of creation/manufacture. (Should be current year. Future years not allowed)." It can be assumed that future months are not allowed, either. This is also OOC information that belongs in OOC information, not up here. Include that one is being made at this point, not the OOC information for the build.

7) Center not "centre"

8) "...Point Defence Canons." Should be Point Defense Cannons.

9) "It is the Tactical centre of the station, and of all VDTF Forces in the system and space " Needs a period and centre to center.

10) Traffic does not need to be capitalized.

11) Sector nine is mentioned but only in Sector Two's section.

12) "Massive areas to participate in simulated battles." This is not a complete sentence.

13) Turbines still has an apostrophe.

14) Sector five makes what kind of vehicles?

15) Need an appearance section header.

16) Sector Distribution is still blank under the header.

You can only make one of these if the only star system you have is Komodo, but you know that because you've read this.

By the way, where/ what is the established industrial base on Komodo? It should be on system page.

From the above link: "The system should have a decent amount of inhabitants and some industrial facilities listed on its wiki page."

The numbers add up to me, but I'm going to ping @Fred to double check DR. It has 4,096 Assailant 105mm Auto-gauss Tier 6 Point Defense Cannons on a Tier 15 space fortress.
 

Edto Xar'Sivaree

Lizard Freak!
I use British English for formal writing. Not American English. I will not correct my spelling under that. If that's a problem then I really don't know what to say.

As for weapons? Well, you can have 8 same tier weapons. Go down a tier, multiply amount by 2. 8x2x2x2x2x2x2x2x2x2=4096. You can do the math from there, it's explained very clearly on DRv3. You should know this because you've read This

Sector five makes any kind of vehicle that aren't ships, as that is what Sector three is for. This is self-explanatory. If one section focuses on starships ships, the other would naturally do everything else. I added "Non-Starship" for sake of ease.

I added a possessive apostrophe. "The Station's Systems." is a complete sentence, describing what "Systems" is about. It's about, "The Station's Systems" Honestly, it shouldn't be needed as "Systems" is pretty self-explanatory. Annoying, pointless rule but oh well right?

The station is under construction. Come April 24th, I will replace it with the year it is completed it's building. It falls in line with the Military buildup rules. That is the point.

Please maintain focus on this station. I have explained how the Vekimen are building it. They have money and Connections. They have had a Manufacturing, agriculture, and other such items for civilisation to grow given to them from Nepleslia. I will add Komodo Arms to the system. They have everything needed to build anything they need or want. Hiring outside help with the connections they have isn't hard at all. Not to mention current political workings at hand. If the site was so interested, they would read the threads I write in. It would explain a lot.

The Vekimen lived on a 15-kilometre mining station for 1300 years with their technology. This is a 50km station, with agriculture capabilities. Read section two. 80 years is actually a vast undercut. The Vekimen are accustomed to living on space stations, and Khelena is no idiot. She would want these to be a better version of the original station. Based in RP, I could realistically justify this station lasting over 1000 years with their knowledge of making life on a station last over 1000 years. I don't think the OOSS is exactly selling to people who have that kind of history or expectations.

I have fixed everything else that was simple enough.
 

Syaoran

Staff Member
Submissions Reviewer
I'm not certain because I just came here to ask what 3D program you used @Edto Xar'Sivaree, (Which I still woudl like to know if you don't mind) But I think Ame is trying to say that there is no history section for this station, like how the designs came about and how they actually got it up in space. That usually explains how the manufacturer came about to having the design they have and/or the resources to produce it.

Edit:Also if things are explained in a thread, that thread needs to be linked, but a summary is still preferred in the article, because the thread might end up lost at some point
 

Edto Xar'Sivaree

Lizard Freak!
I use DoGA Syaoran.

Linking every thread involved in the evolution and capabilities of this would take forever. Finding them all, given they are across an expanse of 3 different subforums would be difficult. Yamatai, Nepleslia, and Independent.

Adding a history to the building of each and every device that explains how or why I can build it would be redundant. I don't see a "Why can I build this" on any other device in the setting, and there is no history of the device because in all actuality it has none. This is the first large-scale space station the Vekimen have tried to build other than the Origin Station. Oh, in that regard, thank you for reminding me.

Ametheliana. The "Origin Station" was the mssive space station the Vekimen were trapped on, given it came from "Origin" which is what their homeworld was called given they don't have another name for it. Said Station does not have a page because it was a one time plot device that no longer exists. It was melted down and scrapped for parts to start building their city.

Finally, back to Syaoran, the station hasn't been built. This just needs to be approved before the 2 month marker of April 24th to abide by the Military Buildup limitations. It is in reference of one moment, under "Existing Stations" to which I have "Under construction" the date I made the post explaining it being built and the date it should be done in accordance with the limittions/
 

Syaoran

Staff Member
Submissions Reviewer
A lot of if not most of the tech articles in the setting actually do have a 'history' section of some sort. You don't have to literally explain the exact steps in building it. But just something like this is really all you need.

As for the 'Origin Station' thing. Maybe put quotes around it or something to indicate 'Origin Station' is a name not a descriptor. Cause Origin Industries has a station that is their HQ, that people could easily call "The Origin Station" because 'Origin' is the shortened name for the company.

Also thanks for the program name, you do a lot better with that program than I do though XD
 

Edto Xar'Sivaree

Lizard Freak!
It ain't hard @Syaoran to get a handle on DoGA. If you got a Skype I wouldn't mind showing you some stuff I've learned but I'm far from the best.

I have added the descriptor to the wiki article in the form of a curse over link.

I can add a simple history section once I have an official response from Gallant, though I already know he will send UOC or Garts over to help from one of Morioka's various companies or organisations. That or direct me to a Nepleslian company Morioka trusts. 225 million KS is no amount to scoff at. This thing is going to be quality.
 

Fred

Retired Staff
As for weapons? Well, you can have 8 same tier weapons. Go down a tier, multiply amount by 2. 8x2x2x2x2x2x2x2x2x2=4096. You can do the math from there, it's explained very clearly on DRv3. You should know this because you've read This
I'm not sure you realize how condescending you sound.
That is, however, accurate.

I use British English for formal writing. Not American English. I will not correct my spelling under that. If that's a problem then I really don't know what to say.
Do you know what to say if I say "not approved"?
Perhaps you'd like to rephrase for the nice lady trying to help you get your submission in good shape for approval.
I'll help and give you a hint: "I was writing in British English. Is it alright if I keep it that way?"
 
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Gallant

Praise the Sun!
I want to, as an aside, point out that there is a word in the english language; "niggling".

adjective
1.
petty; trivial; inconsequential:
to quibble about a niggling difference in terminology.
2.
demanding too much care, attention, time, etc.:
niggling chores about the house.

I hate to poke my nose in on this, but I have trouble believing that Edto is the only person condescending in this thread. I may be mistaken, but I don't think it's in the rules anywhere that we need to use a certain type of grammar or English; not everyone is an English major. Personally, I have arguments with certain people about the spacing after sentences. In academic writing, it's two; in journalism, it's one. It's a niggling difference and that's what I see this as. Just thank our stars that he knows some sort of formal English and grammar, and be done with it. This isn't a standard we've ever enforced. I think he's in the right to get slightly upset at it.

That having been said; Edto, you're being provocative. I know you're reading insult, and you're justified in my opinion from what I've read, but pack it in. You're in Ame's domain, so it's not as though you can act surprised and offended. You literally signed on for this. Suck it up.

I can add a simple history section once I have an official response from Gallant, though I already know he will send UOC or Garts over to help from one of Morioka's various companies or organizations. That or direct me to a Nepleslian company Morioka trusts.

Next time you use my setting elements in a submission tag me with an @ so I can see it prior to the ensuing argument.

The post you're referencing is this one, I think.

I don't mind him using those assets, but I want to notate that I wrote them with the general understanding that there are parts of the setting trivial enough to not be written; I simply assume that there's a ship class capable of tugging this thing around (the Garts, for one, have tech that can piggyback jump drives, and I'm certain there are salvage ships capable of recovering ships without FTL or whose FTL has failed), and also that there's enough general money in a mutli-national entity to procure one.

Heak, I even threw in a plot hook that they might not be there voluntarily!

It's my understanding that Edto will, going forward, turn this into some sort of properly roleplayed story in his new plot, so I've left it generally incumbent upon him to provide the exact details of how that assistance will manifest itself.
 

Ametheliana

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Edto. I did the math and knew you were within what is allowed. Please don't sell me short. I wanted to verify.

I think we have allowed alternative spellings as long as they've made it into a dictionary. Centre stays.

That footnote for the Origin Station is all we needed.

I understand that there is a need for you to describe the time of completion somewhere. But can you do it in OOC as having future timelines on the wiki is frown upon?

You have cleared up the range of this thing with me, that's enough for me.

I think we've done quite a bit of good work on this guy!
 

Edto Xar'Sivaree

Lizard Freak!
Unless it is 100% mandetory for me to change how I have my "Under Construction" set up, I would rather leave it as is, until the 24th of april, to which I will change it from "Under Construction and completion date" to "Named Station, year it was completed"

I think the rule for future stuff is more so for writing something was invented or designed in the future. This has already been designed and is in the building phase. I'm just getting the article approved so when that faithful day rolls around and I can have it completed, I don't have to worry about all this.
 

raz

SAINT Director
Site Supporter
How can the Vekimen build it? Easy, they have connections and money. Their arms manufacturing deal has been going swimmingly to be frankly honest. Who knew selling sturdy weapons at a dirt cheap cost would be so effective? Golly gosh.
I, for one, would like this expanded upon considering Edto's history of trying to technologically jump the Vekimen millennia in the span of a few months. How do a bunch of burrowing dirt lizards go from being dropped off on a planet by Star Army Logistics to having a massive space station the size and scope of which is rarely seen on SARP? Selling inexpensive guns doesn't really cut it.
 
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Syaoran

Staff Member
Submissions Reviewer
It's technically the biggest class of station, but it's not like that class of station is all that advanced. The setting just hardly uses stations because everyone has so many inhabitable worlds that stations aren't needed for long term residence. They have a lot of allies too, and probably a pretty high resource planet. So them getting the tech to build a station is rather reasonable. Just the build time is a concern, but can be remedied with a large crew and saying it was started early than when they OOCly decided to have a space station

Which I think will be answered in the history section Edto said they would write once they get their confirmations.
 

CadetNewb

Well-Known Member
Sorry I didn't post before, but as FM of Origin Industries, this has the green light. Though, I do point out it'll take a few years to complete like Dawn Station did.
 

Ametheliana

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Can you edit the article to reflect that change, Edto?

I missed this, but defense, not defence.
 

Ametheliana

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I think defence is the British spelling Ame.
Oh, I wouldn't have guessed as it's spelled as "defense" in the article and thread titles.

I will do my darnedest to make sure I double check things to see if it's just the Queen's speech or actually a misspelling.
 
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