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Star Army

Star ArmyⓇ is a landmark of forum roleplaying. Opened in 2002, Star Army is like an internet clubhouse for people who love roleplaying, art, and worldbuilding. Anyone 18 or older may join for free. New members are welcome! Use the "Register" button below.

Note: This is a play-by-post RPG site. If you're looking for the tabletop miniatures wargame "5150: Star Army" instead, see Two Hour Wargames.

  • If you were supposed to get an email from the forum but didn't (e.g. to verify your account for registration), email Wes at [email protected] or talk to me on Discord for help. Sometimes the server hits our limit of emails we can send per hour.
  • Get in our Discord chat! Discord.gg/stararmy

Awesome Quotes

Radar Operator: [Noticing Dr. Evil's spaceship on radar] Colonel, you better have a look at this radar.

Colonel: What is it, son?
Radar Operator: I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant...
Jet Pilot: Dick. Dick, take a look out of starboard.
Co-Pilot: Oh my God, it looks like a huge...
Bird-Watching Woman: Pecker.
Bird-Watching Man: [raising binoculars] Ooh, Where?
Bird-Watching Woman: Over there. What sort of bird is that? Wait, it's not a woodpecker, it looks like someone's...
Army Sergeant: Privates! We have reports of an unidentified flying object. It has a long, smooth shaft, complete with...
Baseball Umpire: Two balls.
[looking up from game]
Baseball Umpire: What is that. It looks just like an enormous...
Chinese Teacher: Wang, pay attention.
Wang: I was distracted by that giant flying...
Musician: Willie.
Willie Nelson: Yeah?
Musician: What's that?
Willie Nelson: [squints] Well, that looks like a huge...
Colonel: Johnson!
Radar Operator: Yes, sir?
Colonel: Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this.

-

Austin Powers, the Spy who Shagged me.
 
"You have lost your left arm, but I have lost my right..."

- General Robert Edward Lee before Thomas Jonathan "Stonewall" Jackson's death.
 
Siamese Cats have a way of staring at you. Those who have walked in on the Queen cleaning her teeth will know the expression.

- Douglas Adams
 
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you...

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

I just thought I'd get my Jack Handy out of the way now and spare the post count.
-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
 
"One time I told my friend to cut the pizza into 4 slices because I wasn't hungry enough to eat 6."
 
Ian Hislop: I think this is a thing about party funding.
Paul Merton: This has been one story of the week hasn't it, but the one I'm really interested in, Angus, is... [audience laughs] Now, you and this prostitute. How did you manage to get off paying her?
Angus Deayton: Er, she didn't tell me she was a prostitute.
Paul Merton: She didn't tell you.
Ian Hislop: You must have paid her for the article. I mean, I don't want to dwell on this but... [pulls copy of the News of the World out from under his desk] "He made me groan all night?" What were you doing? Reading the autocue? "Angus was the best lover I've ever had" and you didn't pay her! This is just unbelievable. "We could have kept going till breakfast." What were you doing? Talking about football?
Paul Merton: I suppose you didn't know where to put your face really once you'd heard the story. Or did you just take it on the chin?
Dave Gorman: Oh, hang on, hang on. [points at newspaper and Angus] That's him!
Ian Hislop: I wondered if she was wired. Do you think she was wired?
Paul Merton: I don't think she was the only one that was wired.
Ian Hislop: Is there an agency called Slappers "R" Us and you ring them up?
Angus Deayton: There are a few, yeah. Is that it, or do you want to er, because obviously there was another question that I...
Ian Hislop: [flicks through newspaper] Oh, there's a world war breaking out in India.
 
XENON ON A PHONE: "A barrel roll!"
TOM GREEN: "A barrel roll."
XENON ON A PHONE: "A barrel roll!"
TOM GREEN: "A barrel roll."
 
mine "cant burn bridges of stone" (find the deep meaing!)

"its not that I dont like you, its that I fucking hate your guts!"
a freind of mine

an army XO and a FNG

FNG uhh weres my canteen?

XO you look hidraded

FNG my ammo?

XO hads him 5 rounds.

FNG my gun?

XO Do I look like im made of money!?! its the soviet army for god sakes! NEXT!
 
After losing a game of Warhammer 40k to some Eldar, a Banshee(Eldar Melee Unit) screams before the games abrupt stop:

"You are inferior!" - Banshee
 
Hgfsd fiyufeh: I heard dhfifuodvbosdsvnvoasvnovbvhvbdvdv
Hgfsd fiyufeh: And I thought DoW was possesed or something
Koku Aki: Well at least me and Davis or someth- CHAOS, WE MUST CLEANSE YOUR COMPUTEER IMMEDIATELY.
Koku Aki: *Put's a Lasgun hole in it*
Click to expand...

Koku Aki: Well, I'm going off to do southerner stuff.
Davis Bailey: Masterbating?
Hgfsd fiyufeh: UNEXPECTED MANEUVERS
Davis Bailey: PROMOTION!
Click to expand...

Koku Aki: Hey
Koku Aki: No.
Davis Bailey: Hmm?
Davis Bailey: Yes
Koku Aki: No, No, NO.
Davis Bailey: Yes yes yes
Hgfsd fiyufeh: What?
Davis Bailey: :P
Click to expand...

Ah. DoW buddies. Gotta love 'em.
 
Duh-duh-duh-duh-Double Post for great justice!

If we can build a bomb, can't we build heaven too? Nah, let's make life a living hell.

-Hell on Earth by Big D and The Kids Table.
 
Borat: [while driving] Look, there is a woman in a car! Can we follow her and maybe make a sexy time with her?
Driving Instructor: No, no, no, no, no, no!
Borat: A-why not?
Driving Instructor: Because a woman has the right to choose who she has sex with.
Borat: [stunned] WHAT...? You joke?
Driving Instructor: It must be consentual. How 'bout that?
Borat: [turns to Instructor, pauses] Ahahahahaha!
Driving Instructor: That's good, huh?
Borat: [pause] Is not good for me.

I think we all know what movie this is from
 
"That's funny... I don't remember ramming a skewer into my head." -- Neil, The Young Ones.
 
RPG-D RPGfix
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